AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

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My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

How would you feel if today you found out one of your parents wasn't your parent?

Your child has a right to know about his origins. Apart from that, what about when he is giving his medical history to get an insurance policy? What if he meets and falls in love with a sister?

He needs to know at some point.

You need to tell him. If you both die before he knows he will imagine all sorts of reasons why dad wasn’t his biological father. Grief is hard enough to deal with without compounding it.

This was my thought too. If you tell him in the next couple of years that Daddy wasn't able to provide the 'baby ingredients' (as a PP put it very well), so another man kindly helped out, that will be no big deal and his normal.

If you don't tell him whilst he's a child, chances are you never will get around to it or find 'the right time'. It wouldn't surprise me if genetic testing became the accepted norm for everybody - maybe even become compulsory by law for various reasons.

If you are both gone when he finds out, he will think about all eventualities. Maybe you had an affair and he was a result of a sordid marital infidelity (and thus probably not particularly wanted) rather than a medical procedure entered into by you both, because you really wanted him.

He'd probably then go on to wonder if his Dad ever knew that he wasn't his actual father - and whether he would have loved him, stuck around and brought him up as his own if he'd known that he wasn't his biological Dad (and that his wife/the boy's Mum had been unfaithful).

Honesty or else you'll be worrying about this when he's grown up and it will come as a shock to him if he finds out. 3 isn't too young to start telling the story of how he came to be, in simple terms, and he will just accept it.

I'm adopted (as is my brother, diff biological parents) - he has always been ashamed of this and as a result didn't tell his DCs. My DCs came along a few years later and I decided to be open with them as soon as they started asking questions about babies etc. I remember it clearly, DD was about 3/4 and said "daddy grew in nana Bs tummy didn't he and you grew in nana As tummy", I was about to reply "Yes that's right", then thought this is an opportunity …. so replied "daddy did grow in nana Bs tummy but mummy grew in another lady's tummy who was very young and wasn't able to look after a baby properly so she gave me to nana A to bring up" ………..... I was very pleased with myself, thinking this is great, planting that seed early etc etc. DD just looked at me and wandered off, not interested at all . But gradually she and her sister brought the subject up as they grew up and it was all very normal, as it should be. Unlike my nephews who were told in their teens.

Slightly different scenario to yours I know, but the earlier the better, kids just deal with these things, take it in their stride.

YABU He needs to know, and as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be a big sit down "serious" discussion, he needs to grow up with it being something he's always known. If you start dropping it into conversation at 3 it wont devastate him at all, finding out at 7 or 8 will.

Have a look at resources for adopted children. There are lots of books a out families being made in different ways. Maybe you can read him one of those then talk a bit about his situation at the end. 2 minutes will probably do it at his age. Then a few months later, mention it again. Then, as he grows, answer questions as he has them.

I know 2 families with boys conceived using donor sperm. Both had big issues w it as they grew up but neither had a dad on the scene which didn't help. Your ds has a father so hopefully will be more accepting but I'd be really surprised if it didn't rear its head at some point.

SarahAndQuack I don't blame the OP for choosing sperm donation.

My initial reservations stem from a friend of mine at school who had always known she was adopted herself but her friends became aware at 16. Lovely girl with lovely parents. She suddenly seemed quite lost and ‘went off the rails’ and described feeling quite distant from her parents

There can be attachment issues in adoption that only arise many years later. That’s not likely to be the case in your situation.

I think you should tell him.

I just imagine a situation where he may be years older and happens to find out and may feel resentful that you and your partner kept the secret.

Tell him when he's older and it'll be a big deal. His world will shift seismically from under his feet. Tell him now in a matter of fact way without making it a big deal, and he'll grow up knowing and it will be his normal.

My DP was told when he was about 11. He wishes that he wasn't, that no-one said a thing.

At his current age no but in a few years yes. As the child who found out aged 9 dad wasn't dad because a family member slipped up I didn't know who I was and it was awful. Even if no body slips up what if in later life dc needs say a kidney and you have to then explain why dad and family are not being tested as a match. Be honest with your child it does not mean you have to tell the whole world.

The evidence overwhelmingly shows that children cope better with full honesty rather than an, inevitable, revelation later on. In fact, the evidence has been used to remove donor anonymity in many jurisdictions, so your DS (if in the UK) would have access to identifying information on the donor at 18yo.

Make the information part of the story you tell him at different ages. At 3yo I would say that babies come from the mummy's tummy and are made up of the mummy's egg and the daddy's sperm but in some cases they need a bit of help from a doctor who can use another man's sperm. His daddy is his daddy and will always be his daddy, there was just a bit of help at the beginning from another man.

Hi
My ds is donor egg conceived, 2 years old,i use stories to tell him at the min, so that he grows up always knowing. It would be awful finding out by chance.
The donor conception network have loads of info on this.
Best wishes

YABVVVVVVU
You should have told him already, there are plenty of children's books out there for this situation.

Just normalize it. It's not that uncommon and there is no shame in it. Just start the convo about how babies are made (spoiler alert) in many different ways and if it's something he's always known, it's a non issue. Hell take your lead on his feelings around it so get your thoughts and emotions around it settled first.

Honesty is best as early as possible. You can frame it however you want to-'you were extra special because doctors helped us make you' or whatever is enough for a three year old. As others have said, he will most likely find out.

my son was conceived with donor sperm. You need to tell him! Please visit the Donor Conception Network website as they have books you can use to tell your child the story of his conception.

I think you need to be honest from as early as possible in a very matter of fact way. Young children just accept things

Once you start to get the ‘where do babies come from question’, tell him within that. So from a young age when DS asked, we told babies grow from a seed and an egg, then it was seed from daddy and egg from mummy, then when he asked more it was how did the seed get in mummy’s tummy - daddy put it there. No doubt he will ask soon enough how daddy put it there.

You could tell him that daddy’s seeds didn’t work very well so he got one from someone else so you could grow him. Suitable for a very young child as soon as they start asking questions. As they get older and start asking more in-depth questions, you can expand upon this.

The only thing I would say is that DS is likely to repeat what you tell him to other people, so you are unlikely to be able to keep it private

My DS6 is donor conceived. I've got one of this set of books The Pea That Was Me which I've read to him lots over the years as if it were any other bed time story book. I've heard him tell others, very matter of factly, that he doesn't have a daddy, he has a donor. No big deal, no shame.

As other PPs have said, research suggests it's the secrets and lies and big reveal that is damaging in these kind of situations. Not the fact that they are donor conceived.

Your boy will find out one way or another eventually. It's never a good idea to lie to children about their parents. You can trust me on that one.

break it to him gently now while he's young. He'll absorb the information and it probably won't mean much to him now if he's quite young, but he WILL find out sooner or later, so if you don't tell him now you're going to have some major explaining to do when he's older.

I think he needs to know for his future health and that of possible future children. How much info do you get about the sperm donor in terms of knowing about their health/family history/inherited diseases etc? It’s important that he knows that, if the information is available. I wouldn’t worry about telling him at 3yo though, it can wait until he is likely to have more understanding.

The danger in delaying until he's old enough to understand is that you're likely to misjudge it, leave it a bit too late, and there will be a point at which a fundamental part of his world gets suddenly changed. It's much better trying to convey it casually at an early stage even if it turns out he's too young to understand despite some age-appropriate dumbing down. At some point his understanding will catch up with your explanation and he'll grow up having always known and it won't be a problem or even very significant. Much better that than your disclosure catching up with his understanding after he's already working on a misapprehension.

I guess those of you who consider that I’m ridiculous to think otherwise don’t keep any secrets from your children? Or your partners? Or is genetic origin considered the most important truth of all?

OP there is no bigger secret than not telling your DC their biological parent. I don't consider telling DC harmless fibs to be in the same realm of withholding how they were created. Of course your husband will always be his Dad, but he also has a biological father and he has a right to know that and investigate further if he wishes to when he's older. As you say, families come in all shapes and it would be boring if we were all the same!

I wouldn’t tell him till he was 18.

The point of starting early is so you can practice using the words and it becomes normal. We received our treatment (donor egg) at a foreign clinic so we gave DD a middle name from that country so it would come up naturally in conversation regularly. We have the pea that was me book too. How does your DH feel? I know I felt very bad about having poor quality eggs.