Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

153 replies

user1488038434 · 22/08/2019 21:55

My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 23/08/2019 12:17

Why on earth would you tell him at 18 or even at any older age and shake his whole world up?
He will feel that you have lied to him his whole life, even if it is by omission. How will he be able to trust you on anything else you have ever told him or will ever tell him? His whole life will have been based on a lie.

If they just grow up knowing it, that is their normal and really not a big deal.

I remember a boy at school finding out by accident that he was adopted when we were about 16. I wasn't even a friend but it was obvious how it messed him up.

Vilanelle · 23/08/2019 12:21

Plenty of books around www.dcnetwork.org/catalog/books-children

RedCowboyBoots · 23/08/2019 12:22

Or is genetic origin considered the most important truth of all?

Yeah, I'd say so. After all, your genes have a massive hand in who you are and are incredibly important. Lying about where half your DNA comes from... I mean, can you think of a more important truth? Sorta pales in comparison to Santa.

RedCowboyBoots · 23/08/2019 12:22

*Santa sorta pales by comparison, I meant to say.

CornishMaid1 · 23/08/2019 12:27

I do know someone who is currently trying to conceive with donor sperm for azoospermia. Only a couple of people know and they are adamant that they are not going to tell the child. If the child brought it up they would be honest, but they have decided they are not going to say.

I am not sure that is the correct decision, but they will be the parents and that is their decision to make. The advice from the counsellor they say was to be honest about it in an age appropriate way (there are books that can help tell the story) so that it is not built up into a massive issue for the child.

BarbariansMum · 23/08/2019 12:44

if their child brought it up they would be honest

Yeah right. When he's 16 and going through a tough time and wonders why he's not tall/athletic/good at maths/whatever, like his dad, or feels his dad hates him, they're just going to drop it on him, are they?

Or only if he asks them directly and exactly? In which case let's hope he never suspects as he's likely to go through a lifetime of uncertainty rather than dare ask the question. Or as a pp pointed out, he may just come to the conclusion that he's the product of an affair.

MaryTeenOfScots · 23/08/2019 12:49

I know someone who found out in her early twenties that she was conceived by donor sperm, it came as a big shock to her. And recently at work we were talking about genetics lessons at school and a couple of my colleagues had classmates who found out they were adopted that way. With the rise of genetic testing I think there would be quite a big risk of him finding out by accident if you don't tell him. It's good you're thinking about this now while there's still time for it to come up naturally and not be a big reveal.

Derbee · 23/08/2019 13:14

I’m horrified by the posters who seem to think that 18 is a perfect age to have such a bombshell dropped on them. How awful.

Glad you’re thinking about how to tell him OP, and have ordered the book you were recommended. I think it’s never too early to arm your children with age appropriate truth. Especially when it concerns where they’re from, and how they came to be.

What a lovely thought that it never comes out as a massive revelation that rocks his world, but instead he grows up knowing how special he is and how much his mum and dad wanted him, and all the things they did to make sure he got here. It can be a lovely story, not a devastating and confusing one in many years time.

SeaWitchly · 23/08/2019 13:25

You can also access specialist fertility counselling via BICA.org.net.
The emotional and ethical implications of using donor treatment are two very good reasons why pre treatment counselling is strongly recommended in the UK and Australia.

Vasya · 23/08/2019 13:43

I think you should tell him. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and there's every chance that in this day and age he will one day find out. That would be much worse than him just growing up with it as a normal fact of his life.

Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 13:49

YABU. I have year old twins conceived by egg donation. I intend to start talking about their origins as soon as possible in an age appropriate way.

At three he is old enough to start an Initial conversation and there are books you can buy to help.

Do not keep this a secret OP. Your son deserves to know the truth.

apairofblueeyes100 · 23/08/2019 13:50

You HAVE to tell your son the truth regarding his conception. As he is only 3, not quite yet, but definitely at a time when he is old enough to understand but young enough to accept it. As long as he is loved that is all that matters.

My friend's son was conceived in a similar fashion to your family circumstances - by sperm donor as her husband was rendered infertile following cancer treatment - he sadly died. She never told her son about the sperm donor and he found out by accident aged 18. This caused horrific rows and recriminations throughout the whole family circle and they were unfortunately estranged as a result until her death last year.

Good luck x

sawyersfishbiscuits · 23/08/2019 13:59

www.facebook.com/bbcnews/videos/507357620011635?s=733677026&v=e&sfns=mo

Hope this link works. If not there's a video on the BBC news page about this very topic. It's quite moving. Worth a watch OP x Do tell him when he's older in a natural and simple way.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/08/2019 14:22

@user1488038434 Adoption is very different. I was fostered because I was too old, but there's a lot of attachment issues in adoption. Someone generally gave you up, which makes it tough to believe the next lot won't. You won't have that, thankfully!

I'd just start introducing it into conversation now. Make it something he feels like he's always known, and it won't be a big deal.

Elllllle · 23/08/2019 14:35

I think it's all very well for a lot of people who have no experience of this, to give their opinions. I would listen and perhaps speak to those who have been through similar and noone else. It is a deeply personal thing.

LividLaughLove · 23/08/2019 14:39

My clinic made counselling a condition of treatment with donor gametes.

There’s lots of research on this (look at the Donor Conception Network) and your son absolutely needs to know BEFORE it’s a big deal.

RedCowboyBoots · 23/08/2019 14:41

I would listen and perhaps speak to those who have been through similar and noone else. It is a deeply personal thing

Except:

  • there may well be people who have personal experience of this on here who don't feel like sharing
  • there may well be people on here who do not have personal experience of this but feel like lying to add strength to their argument
  • research on this has consistently shown better outcomes when kids are told the truth early on. Poster X's aunt Sally's kid who wasn't told and it all turned out fine doesn't change that one iota.
DonorConceivedMe · 23/08/2019 16:34

Well I am donor conceived but you don’t have to believe me — look at anonymousus.org/ for lots of stories from other people who have been donor conceived.

SarahAndQuack · 23/08/2019 22:42

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG, you said 'you made a decision to go with sperm donation without doing the most basic research'.

You did blame her.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 24/08/2019 13:51

SarahAndQuack I blame her for not bothering to do basic research, yes. Not for making the decision itself.

SarahAndQuack · 24/08/2019 22:23

Oh, I am sorry! I really didn't read it like that and was a bit shocked.

Though, she's doing it now, so it's not the end of the world, I'd hope?

Happygilmorelove · 24/08/2019 22:33

I have friends who are using donor eggs to concieve, and they plan to tell their child as soon as he or she can understand, from an early age. This was advice given by their counsellor at the clinic. There are apparently children's books that can be read to kids as young as 3 that explain the subject and talk about different families etc

Crunchymum · 24/08/2019 22:41

He's 3. You don't need to say or explain anything. You do need to decide how you are going to play it when he is older / asks questions.

Ishtar6 · 24/08/2019 23:10

Hi,
I have 4 children born through egg donation from 3 different egg donors. My oldest are nearly 9 year old twins.
I decided early on to be open with my children. By the time they were 3 we spoke about the egg donor and how mummy couldn't make.eggs so a lady gave me some. So they have grown up with the information. My daughter is vaguely interested my son couldn't care.less. they still view themselves as part of my family ( which they are) and know they were very much loved and wanted. They also know a different donor was used for their sister ( 4 ) and their little brother .
I think as others have said there will be a very high likelihood he will find out even if you don't tell him. And all the evidence is it is the lies not the fact that destroys trust.
My children's father and myself are apart now and the kids all live with me virtually all the time. They know I am their mum but they also understand that they don't have the same genes as me. They will see your husband as their dad if he raises them - the sperm donor was just that - a sperm donor.
Good luck

wigglybluelines · 25/08/2019 10:21

As he is only 3, not quite yet, but definitely at a time when he is old enough to understand but young enough to accept it. As long as he is loved that is all that matters.

I'd say that age is quite soon. 4 year olds are very inquisitive! He needs to be told the truth as part of the story of how he got into the world from the start, not be told the usual route and then later told, actually, he got here differently.

Swipe left for the next trending thread