AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

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My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

As others have said you basically have a choice between him finding out when young and always knowing, or finding out in a big shock when older and unprepared that you lied to him his entire life.

Your choice of course but to me it's a no-brainer.

I wouldn’t mention this at all. I can’t see a point where it would even dawn for him to query his parentage. The only point would be if your husband said it in a fit of anger or brain freeze. They would just assume.

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

I think Ellisandra has good advice.

Is it your husband who’s resistant to telling him the truth?

I would mention is very casually when he is about 7-8ish. At that age, he might just be able to grasp some of the concept.

Really, I wouldn't. At 7 or 8 he's too old for it to feel casual.

It's amazing what children do grasp. My DD is two (28 months, to be precise) and she knows that she has two mummies and that most children have a daddy. She knows that babies grow in a mummy's tummy. Etc.

All the research points to it being better if a child learns about these things without ever remembering them seeming like a strange thing, or a thing that needed explaining. That means doing it very early.

Op you are being v v v unreasonable and also unrealistic about the prospects of your son finding out whether you tell him or not.

I’m DC. My parents lied to me about it and I found out by accident. It’s complicated because I had a terrible “dad” anyway but it was devastating. My relationship with my parents was never the same again.

It is also vital that your son has access to full medical history of his biological father. If you don’t have this via the clinic you need to get it. Your son’s health may depend on it. If you think I’m being over-dramatic, just imagine that bio-dad is diagnosed with a cancer with a genetic component. Something similar happened in my family.

Don’t hesitate. Tell him now so that he doesn’t remember ever not knowing.

Wow ok so overwhelmingly - yes we should tell him! We happen to be in the midst of trying to conceive another child which is now looking very unlikely. The thought of having this conversation with one child seems a lot harder than having it with two. But you’re absolutely right SarahAndQuack - why would this knowledge reduce this wonderful bond we have

I’d suggest reading Inheritance by Dani Shapiro, it’s the story of a woman who finds out as an adult she was conceived by donor sperm and the impact it has on her.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep these kinds of secret from your child

Maybe not at 3, but he needs to know eventually. He may need that information for his own medical records one day.

As the father of a non biological child, I'd strongly suggest telling him as soon as he asks where babies come from.

I left it a bit too late (he was 7) and it kinda felt like a big reveal. I feel like it should have just been something he always knew, rather than something he found out when he was old enough to know it was something important.

Congratulations on your son! I know from personal experience what a strain fertility treatments can put on you.

I think you meed to tell your son and sooner rather than later.

I have three adopted children and we told them a child appropriate story introducing the information that they were adopted when each of them were just babies so they never remembered not knowing. Now adoption is different to your situation because family, neighbours, work colleagues etc all knew we had adopted and could have told them. My oldest has actually ended up being very good friends with the son of someone I worked with before he was born. We probably couldn't have got away with keeping the circumstances of their birth secret while you could.

But, here's the problem. Whenever any of them have any health issues they are asked about the family background, they instinctively think of us and say no heart disease, no cancer etc. I have to remind them to say 'I don't know.' In some situations keeping your son in ignorance of his background could have serious consequences for him and maybe even his future children.

You will always be his parents. But hard as it is please tell him for his sake.

I think you’ll have to tell him. To not do will definitely involve you lying sooner or later and that would be unforgivable.

Thank you cp3u it’s wonderful to hear from someone who has actually been through this.

I think you should. As PP have said, in these days of genetic ancestry testing and that sort of stuff, the chances that he will find out are quite high. And you've told your parents, so you're now in the situation where you'd be keeping secret from him something immensely important to him, while having told other people, which I think is unfair (possibly my view here is coloured by the fact that one of my friends is doing just this to her daughter - having told several of her friends that she had to use donor sperm; I hate the idea that I know stuff about her daughter's parentage that her daughter doesn't.)

Basically you have two choices.

One. Tell him right from the start in an age appropriate way - friends of mine have gone for "to make a baby you need mummy ingredients and daddy ingredients - and daddy didn't make very good ingredients, so a nice doctor helped them use another man's baby ingredients to make you. But a daddy is the person who loves you and cuddles you and tucks you up in bed at night and reads you stories - and daddy does all that for you." That way there's no huge moment where the big secret is revealed, it's just part of his story from the very beginning.

Or two: hide it, he finds out (blood test, DNA ancestry kit, whatever happenstance) and feels incredibly hurt and betrayed and it really screws up your relationship with him as adults.

I know which I'd choose.

(Further disclosure - my parent hid a big family secret from me - not this precise one, but of similar magnitude. The knock-on lies they had to tell to keep it from me left some big elephant sized unexplained holes in my childhood story, which - because this is what children do - I tried to fill from my imagination. I created worst-case explanations of what it was they were hiding, which really screwed up my relationship with my mum through my teens. Trust me, you do not want to go down this path, it will not end well.)

I think he should know imho. Hopefully it wouldn't change anything but I think everyone has a right to know where they started off from.

And as for ‘counselling’ if you’ve had any experience with a private IVF clinic you’ll know their focus is on assembling the best component parts to achieve a successful pregnancy. They leave you to navigate through the aftermath of a positive result. They are well oiled commercial machines (which of course helped to make our dreams come true)

If you are honest and open, hopefully at best you will just be asked questions and can explain them in an age appropriate way. But if you was to keep secret you would be possibly dealing with resentment, feeling like their life was a lie. So you're doing the right thing telling. I'm not sure on what age, I would say around 8/9 when they can grasp the idea of reproduction etc.

It will absolutely not reduce the bond you have, no!

I really don't think it needs to be a hard conversation. That's why we keep on with a series of very tiny conversations. 'Your donor ... the donor ... well, we needed some help ... the person we always feel grateful to ...'. You keep using phrases and slowly you find you're answering questions. DD has just started to ask us a few.

I know I am guessing, but I would imagine you could do similar and just use casual language that lets your child know that his mother and father had some help from someone else.

For me personally, it's been nice to be active in talking about DD's biological parent. Your DH might find this too. Initially, with a tiny baby, you feel a bit like a fraud when you say 'oh, the baby isn't biologically mine, you know!' But the more it goes on, the more fun and fulfilling it is to be able to say 'yes, I'm not the biological parent, but I couldn't love my child more'. It's great.

Of course you should tell him. It's the same as not telling a child they were adopted. Very unfair. He may find out himself which would be devastated and really affect the trust between you. And there are health reasons he may need to know - heath professionals often ask about the history of both parents. I can't believe you are thinking of not telling him!

Don't leave it too late either. He's more likely to take it as matter of fact the earlier you tell him. The older he is the more of an "event" it will be. Don't leave it till he's a teenager. That is already a very difficult time when you are working out who you are, your identity separate of your parents, and your place in the world - he doesn't need a bombshell then! He obviously needs to be old enough to understand what you are talking about though!

There are too many ways that your son can find out. It’s not worth risking your relationship it’s him if he finds out he’s been lied to. Not sure how best to explain it to him, but I think if he grows up just always knowing from as long as he can remember, it doesn’t have to be a big revelation or a big deal.

We had counselling at our private fertility clinic. They insist on it prior to donor conception.

I would definitely not keep it a secret. I have a son from donor sperm, he has two mums so it was never going to be a secret, but it’s amazing how he can understand the basics as we’ve always explained to him how doctors help us make him using seed from a man, we took an egg from mummy’s tummy, the doctor mixed it with a seed and put it in Mama’s tummy. He’s 5, and completely comfortable with that.

DH and I have a donor-conceived child, my egg, donor sperm to avoid an inherited disease. We have always told him in age-appropriate ways. He has never worried about it. As he gets older the penny drops in different ways, like when he started to understand DNA, etc.

The advice is to tell, and right from the beginning.

We have just said that when we wanted to have him the doctor's found out daddy had the wrong type of seed so a very kind man gave us one of his.

If you had treatment in a UK fertility clinic then obviously your DC has the option to contact his donor at some point in the future, so presumably you don't want him to miss out on that chance to understand his own origins.

There's nothing to hide. My DS was at one point one of 4 donor-conceived children in his class!

Just tell him now .Tell him daddy was ill and he was made with help. Drip feed so it’s completely normal. The logistics of it will come to him when he’s ready. Just don’t “ pretend”. anything.
It won’t matter to him as he knows no different to you two. He can get used to the idea of a biological dad and a real dad.
Don’t project. He is here and loved. The truth never hurts as much as being lied too.

I think you should tell him, after all your son is a fully grown adult with cognitive thinking and has enough life experience to be able to make sense and rationalise your reasons..

We had counselling with private ivf before having our donor egg children. We told them at around 5 In an age appropriate way, which seemed early enough to not be a shock to them. They accepted it and since then have asked more questions over the years about things like genetics, bit always in a curious rather than concerned way.

I would be mentioning this now, and I'd also mention it to family. Why wouldn't you? Secrets are never a good thing when it comes to identity. Also, whatbif at some point in the future he has the same condition as his dad but had found out about the sperm donor when he's older? He'd feel like it was a really bad thing because you'd kept it from him.
You've done what thousands of people have done in order to have a child.
However... YABU to say WE got pregnant. Only you got pregnant, men can't. You both have a child. You didn't both get pregnant. 🤷🏼‍♀️