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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to travel home with us?

264 replies

Lenny1987 · 22/08/2019 21:44

Going on holiday to ireland on Saturday. Husband is irish, so we are spending the week in his village. We are travelling back the following sunday, all ireland final day. His team is in the final. When we were booking the flights I mentioned this to him, and he said his team wouldn't get there, and he had enough on that month (a stag weekend, and a weekend in dublin at the hurling final). Now the time has come, his team are there, and he wants to spend £200 on a new flight later that night so he can watch the match. This means I am travelling home from an 8 day holiday with all our stuff and a 10month old baby. He asked my opinion, and now hes annoyed that I dont think it's ok. His team get to this match regularly and he has been to it before. I have suggested not looking at social media and watching immediately as we return.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 11:44

The question is not whether she could do it but whether she should have to

He said it was ok, he is already clearly spending money on himself but has now decided that he should spend more and leave the OP to sort it.

Why should she just say ok who has made him in charge of everything and just leave responsibility for everything to the OP

MrsFezziwig · 24/08/2019 11:58

I’m ignoring the smugards who can easily do round the world trips with four children, six suitcases and a camel in tow. Your experience is irrelevant.
I’m looking more at the overall picture - so the husband in question has already had two weekends away in the last few weeks and the baby is not yet a year old? So in other words he is just continuing to live the life he had pre-child, where indeed it would be feasible to change arrangements and spend money at the drop of a hat.
Short-term solution - get the luggage couriered home - it’s not as expensive as you think.
Long-term solution - you need a major discussion about how both your lives have changed and this requires an adjustment on both sides, not just on the part of OP.
Oh and lastly, I consider myself to be fairly well educated but had never heard of the All Ireland final, so with regards to its importance in the world order, a lot of you need to get over yourselves.

Aridane · 24/08/2019 11:59

You go home with baby, DH sorts luggage

ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2019 12:04

I would like to think that those saying OP should let him go, would at least expect their DH to step up with travel arrangements with their partner to make things easier for their parter and baby. This does not seem to be the case here.

As I have said before some people really set the bar low when it comes to men. I am glad I didn't when I married DH

LittlePaintBox · 24/08/2019 12:30

God the fucking smugness on here is quite bizarre.

Agree. The question isn't can one person manage baby, luggage, etc, it's about whether she should have to manage in these circumstances.

@Lenny1987 - I'd also check about whether you can take your husband's luggage in the hold if he's not travelling, as a PP has suggested. Our last flight to Belfast was delayed by quite some time because someone had checked in their luggage and then didn't board the plane, so their luggage had to be located in the hold and taken off the plane again. I don't see why he can't come with you to the airport, put one of the cases in left luggage, and pick it up on his way home, TBH.

Howyiz · 24/08/2019 12:38

I would be really pissed off with him OP. However they have a stored luggage facility at Dublin Airport. So I would tell your DH that he needs to go to the airport with you. Leave the luggage in stored luggage and then you take the little one in the pram by yourself and let him bring all the luggage with him.
Let him organise and pay for the stored luggage and make him go to the airport. All that luggage with a child will be a nightmare.

Original poster
Lenny1987 · 24/08/2019 13:35

@TheStoic

Reasons why I begrudge this particular moment of happiness are already outlined.
How do we reverse this then, I make no fuss about him doing this because I love him, but I'm pretty certain he wasnt thinking of me and how much he loves me when he decided to do this.

I have high expectations of love and support and consideration in a marriage. Because we love each other it is ok to voice unhappiness when you are not being considered. But apparently some have low standards of their expectations of a husband and wife partnership.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 24/08/2019 13:50

How do we reverse this then, I make no fuss about him doing this because I love him, but I'm pretty certain he wasnt thinking of me and how much he loves me when he decided to do this.

If the situation was reversed, or if you can think of a similar situation where you wanted to be selfish, would he happily do this for you?

If not, or if you can’t even imagine that scenario, then THAT is the issue you need to tackle.

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 13:58

By telling him that and getting him to sort the luggage. Get him to see exactly what he is asking you to do

By the way can you even take both suitcases most airlines allow for one bag per person and the fact he isn’t on the flight would invalidate it

Witchinaditch · 24/08/2019 14:02

Try and travel as light as you can, and let him stay! It’s a one off.

Atalune · 24/08/2019 14:04

He’s behaving so selfishly. I’d be livid.

Pack a small bag for you and the baby and leave him to it!

butteryellow · 24/08/2019 14:13

Find somewhere he can leave the two suitcases - left luggage at the hotel, hell, get a day pass for a gym and put them in lockers - something.

I travel with kids alone fairly often, and a 10 month old (in a buggy? Walking?) and 2 suitcases is going to be tough - if they're in the buggy, how are you going to wheel it and two suitcases? If walking/in a carrier, they're going to get squished (I've done it). You're basically dependent on the goodwill of other people (admittedly, people have always been super helpful).

Yeahnahmum · 24/08/2019 14:44

Let him do it. But let him bring home the luggage

And the babyGrin

EL8888 · 24/08/2019 14:50

Breathtakingly selfish husband lm afraid. A reverse of situations is always worth considering with these kind of thing. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be happy for you to do the same for something he considers us not important e.g. shoe sale at local shoe shop, netball match of a team you used to play for. Yeah l get the All Ireland is a big deal (lm half Irish) is some people’s opinion but it’s not in the real world. People may well wade in and say they have done similar and were perfectly fine with it. Well done for being a doormat and a martyr 🤔

EL8888 · 24/08/2019 14:51

As an aside he must have money to burn going away so much and lm assuming OP being on maternity leave

beanaseireann · 24/08/2019 15:48

Lenny1987
Yes it's a massive pain in the butt that he's changed his mind and now wants to stay for the match.
It will be historic if Kerry beat Dublin and prevent Dublin from getting their five in a row.
Id offer it up for this year but insist you get to something you really want to see or do. He owes you big time. Wink
I'm in Dublin and dh's Kerry relatives will be up in force.

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 16:04

I don’t think it’s the staying that’s the issue is the assumption that money can be spent on it and the OP will just deal with the inconvenience of getting home. At no point has he thought of his wife or child in this. Unlike the OP who asked him originally what he thought
He should be coming up with ways of coping with at least one suitcase, working out if either of them can actually take two etc. He hasn’t he has just focused on the bits that he wants to do to achieve his aim
Totally selfish and disrespectful

RocketRacoonsFurryBalls · 24/08/2019 17:15

I would ONLY be taking my own stuff and the baby and its gubbins.

Is it possible to leave a case of your husband’s stuff with him? Up to him what he does with it, and if he forgets to bring it home, that’s his lookout. Then you’ll have some idea what you’re really married to.

He does sound like a massive spoilt child.

ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2019 19:09

This isn't on.

And I love how the assumption is always that YOU ahould take the baby, because XX fucking chromosomes!

I'd tell him I cannot take the luggage and the baby, and I'm taking the luggage.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. But you know already.

Point out that if you are having to act as a single parent in your marriage, you might as well be a single parent without the baggage of a marriage.

category12 · 24/08/2019 19:15

She takes the baby cos he was going to watch a game in a pub - it would scarcely be sensible the other way round.

0hT00dles · 24/08/2019 19:25

Oh Christ! Sorry but I'd have said no. Kerry are not destined to beat Dublin this year unfortunately(and I'm a dub and would like someone to beat them so the sayings can stop now and it was a better competition)!

But he's booked it now. Could he not take the bags?

Just make sure you've everything packed and ready and all things you need reachable.

What will he do if his county wins? (Hrtft but assuming Kerry!) will he make the flight? As the celebrations will be plentiful if they do win. If it's Dublin that wins, it will be non eventful.

NeverTalksToStrangers · 24/08/2019 19:58

I think the reason so many people are saying "let him do it" is that the all Ireland is just as big a deal over here for women than it is men. I've been at every final my county were ever in. Easily 40% female crowd. So we don't see it as a thing men are stereotypically selfish about iykwim?

ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2019 20:11

But @category12 he was the one who poo-pooed her querying it earlier. In my book, this means his child is now his responsibility.

Stardustmoon · 24/08/2019 20:13

No way can you take baby and 2 suitcases!

itiswhatitis12 · 24/08/2019 20:18

Yabu
The all Ireland final is way more important than life and death!

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