If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

you should instead doubt her affirmation that it is down to laziness, obesity really almost never is, and this myth is hugely damaging for people who suffer from it

I'm not doubting you, I don't really know. But I'd like to see some evidence for your assertion.

I appreciate that it's a sample size of only one but ..... my own obesity was caused by laziness.

I think becoming fat (through no health issues) demonstrates unhealthy habits and laziness which are traits I am not attracted to. So no YANBU in that sense.
The actual physical side of it doesn't really bother me but I'd like to think the person who is going to be a role model for my children and life long partner would care about their health.
My DH has put on nearly 5 stone in the 4 years I've been with him, I am not attracted to him in the same way I was when he was fitter but I still love him unconditionally.

I think becoming fat (through no health issues) demonstrates unhealthy habits and laziness

Certainly what happened in my case. I have zero health issues. I just put on weight until I slipped into obesity. No good (in my case) looking for anything or anyone, other than myself, to blame

I do act happy in front of the kids. I mostly act happy in front of him.

Even dogs and cats can tell if someone dislikes them. If you’re willing to talk about him in such strong terms here, I can’t believe your OH hasn’t picked up that you find him repulsive. Even a trained actor would struggle to hide that 24/7.

Re the sex, why do you always have to be underneath, out of interest @Farrowandbrawl?

**IHateUncleJamie
Where did I say I had to be underneath?

But why should sex ever be uncomfortable because of something changeable?

Are you suggesting that because my husband won’t lose weight I should only have sex in positions to stop me being squashed?

Is it really too much for you to consider he could do something to help out here ?

IHateUncleJamie

Any comments on post by Rainbunny
She puts it far more eloquently than I

It sounds more like he is a lazy, disrespectful arsehole, rather than his weight, that is merely a symptom of the bigger picture here.

Let us say he was stick thin but refused to wash, would this be ok?

He seems to think he can settle in to a life of the couch potato, and that is fine, except he is married and OP may want more from life now and in the future.

A friend of mine has recently gone to a personal trainer in her late 40s lost lots of weight and is now a size 6/8, she wants her husband with her on their future adventures, but he had similarly given up. She booked in the personal trainer and gave him the hard truth, he has been going because it is costing him 270 a month whether he goes or not. They either work together or they ultimately separate.

I am overweight, but I am single and have my reasons which really aren't relevant.

It is your marriage and it sounds like time to put the writing on the wall in giant letters and give him the choice to join you or ultimately get left behind.

As sex takes up less than 0.1% of my yearly time, I find what they are like the other 99.9% more important. Obviously I would expect personal hygiene to be good etc

@SBT1234 agree with this so much

SBT1234

Maybe ... but sex is a huge part of a relationship!???
What’s the point otherwise you may as well just be friends?

You only ever mention being squashed. That’s why I naturally assumed that you only ever go underneath.

Due to endometriosis and back injuries I have always found some positions very painful so over the years DH and I have found plenty of ways to avoid me being in pain. You only mention sex with your OH as “not wanting to be squashed”.

My husband has loved me at several sizes - relating to having kids.

He would probably be happiest on a shallow level if I was my pre baby weight...but we are 3 years on and I'm currently 2 stone over that! He isn't complaining...

I will get there. My health is important to me. But would he rush me? No.

Has he stopped having sex with me or being affectionate? No. He's still as amorous as hes always been. And that's because he fancies me at all my shapes and sizes.

If I really piled it on he would probably mention it but more out of a concern for my health.

As sex takes up less than 0.1% of my yearly time,

I've no idea how much of my time it takes up. I know how much it helps me feel close to my DP, how much we both enjoy it and indeed crave it and how loving and close we feel after it. I don't think time is the only valid measurement of something

Farrow- it’s not a huge part of a relationship to everyone.

@Farrowandbrawl surely there is more. Is he a supportive partner? can you confide in him about your troubles? do you enjoy the same books, movies, hobbies? do you enjoy just snuggling up in front of the tv feeling the comfort of each other? does he look after you if you are unwell? is he a good father to your children who backs you up? can you have interesting discussions with him? surely that is more important then sex

demureandgraceful - my friends do pretty much all of the above. The difference between them and my partner is that we also have sex. And yes, sex is mega important if you're a sexual being. I'm not fucking asexual. To have sex with a huffing, sweating, red-faced obese man would be torture.

@LaVieilleHarpie I feel I am much closer in these aspects to my partner then to my friends where it rarely goes beyond superficial small talk other then thr select few and even then I don't feel as close to their company as to DP and I don't know if it is just me and my friends but none of us snuggle up to each other then watching tv or a movie 😳

Sounds like you need better friends then.

@LaVieilleHarpie but I get all that from DP so why should I invest time in connecting with people when DP is my ptefered company in the first place.

Preferred

**IHateUncleJamie

That’s why you shouldn’t assume.

Actually when someone is very fat sex from behind ( like spooning) is uncomfortable as their stomach gets in the way. Giving a blow job is pretty rubbish too again forehead/ stomach . Anyway sitting down .. not great.

But anyway- why do I need to compromise!! Would it not be better if he lost weight?
Or should I give up ever having decent sex ( not him just me )

Anyway Jamie ...

You you clearly think I’m unreasonable but the debate is interesting and I appreciate your views that’s why I’d been keen to know your perspective on what Rainbunny said ......

I think if someone's appearance changes a lot during the course of your relationship, and particularly if it's due to their behaviour rather than something that is out of their control (illness, accident, etc), then no YANBU to no longer find that person attractive. We all change over time and no one looks exactly the way they did when they got married decades later, however well they look after themselves, natural ageing occurs, skin sags, etc. In your position though I would not be happy OP and tbh I wouldn't expect my DH to still find me attractive if I binged myself to a very large size and didn't do anything to remedy it. You can love someone and still find them unattractive, the same way you can still find someone attractive who you don't love.

I think this is where us ugly people really win out. Nobody ever fell in love with us for our looks...as a result we can can get fat, and even (heaven forfend!) old without our partners finding us less attractive.