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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

505 replies

Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:24

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

OP posts:
ListsWonderfulLists · 23/08/2019 17:13

YANBU in my opinion. Very much in the same situation. My DH was slim when we met but has put on nearly 5 stones since then. I'm still a size 8-10, after having 2 children. I don't expect people to never change - expected wrinkles, grey hair, a bit of weight gain - the normal stuff which comes with ageing. But the amount of weight my DH has put on is seriously unattractive to me. I wish it wasn't. I still love him and want to be attracted to him but I'm just not :-( He knows this and has tried to lose weight a few times but not particularly hard. He has very little willpower. I agree that the laziness and lack of care he takes in himself compounds the unattractiveness. If he was full of energy and out exercising then I probably wouldn't care so much, even if he was still the same weight. But he doesn't make any effort in terms of his appearance and that lethargy really gets to me. I don't know if he'll ever change now - the thought of him getting even bigger really frightens me. The only possible glimmer of hope is that we suspect he has untreated ADHD (he has all the symptoms and our DS has just been diagnosed) and we're on waiting list for assessment and then hopefully medication. That might be something which helps him address it. But otherwise I don't know.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 17:13

Well this has been interesting... for these who CBA to RTFT

MN women usually are able to remain sexually attracted to partners regardless of their appearance
MN women mostly ( on this thread ) have partners who fancy then exactly the same despite weight gain
Sex isn’t that big a part of marriage
Being overweight is nothing to do with eating and lifestyle and everything to do with MH/trauma / illness and pregnancy ( even if you are a man)
You probably are a troll / man if you work, cut the grass and maintain the car
Women should accommodate men’s sexual needs but ignore their own
I wish I was a mumsnet woman life would be a lot more simple

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 17:20

Sadly opp I agree with you . Take heart from those who actually agree with you - you are not alone . Mn is weird sometimes.

Alsohuman · 23/08/2019 17:24

Thing is the more you nag most people, the less inclined they are to do what you’re nagging them to do. If I lived with someone who nagged me to do anything - especially to adjust my appearance - my response would be a mental “Fuck you”. Maybe if you got off his case, he might do something about it.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 17:24

I also had a pal who was size 22 but her dp was bigger- they ended up
Splitting and she told me after their sex life died a death because she could no longer even fit him between her legs .

She lost a shed load of weight and got a younger bloke .

It's sad when people just give up
And make zero effort and it kills moe
Than just sex .

chickenyhead · 23/08/2019 17:26

If he knows that it is impacting his marriage and what he is able to do with his children, the onus is on him.

IHateUncleJamie · 23/08/2019 17:35

Well as you say @Farrowandbrawl all I know of you is what you write here and you’ve only previously mentioned “being squashed” so me not being a mindreader, I have to make some assumptions based on what you’ve said.

I haven’t gone back and read all Rainbunny’s posts, no; does she answer the point about you disliking your husband and him picking up on that? Or the question a pp asked you about whether you would suddenly like, love and fancy him if he did lose weight? Because nothing you’ve said so far implies that there’s much, if anything, you love about this man. I can’t help feeling that his weight is not actually the issue here.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 17:36

Op

What would happen if you simply told
him sex is now uncomfortable due to his weight and stopped....put the ball in his court?
Would he attempt to lose weight then?
Or would your marriage just die ?
Worth seeing? Then you know what you need to do

As an aside - I do wish my super slim dp would help me sometimes and help me cook super healthy meals (we take it in turns to cook) and maybe exercise with me instead of zooming off and leaving me (if we cycle for eg)
Have thought about doing some healthy stuff together? Would he? Does he want to?

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 18:04

would argue that he is being selfish by not attempting to address it, he has children who need a father to be around for as long as possible and it is stopping him from actively participating in their upbringing and in his own marriage. This leaves the OP to pick up all the slack of doing activities with the children and chores requiring exertion and also limits how they spend time together as a couple, yet he doesn't sound at all bothered by the consequences of his lifestyle.

This is the post Jamie ...interested in your thoughts

And I do love him
Many things I like about him
Would likely fancy him if he wasn’t overweight

OP posts:
Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 18:09

hellenbackagen

He knows it’s uncomfortable.. sometimes says he’ll lose weight

But if we don’t have sex he comes so moody 🙄

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 23/08/2019 18:21

But if we don’t have sex he comes so moody

Whatever the other minutiae of your relationship, you know that’s not ok right?

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 18:30

JacquesHammer

Yes... but remember this is someone who won’t do anything active with the kids , won’t help with thr garden, wont ever deal with car shit. He’s really not going to care if he’s moody with me 😂

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 23/08/2019 18:31

Yes... but remember this is someone who won’t do anything active with the kids , won’t help with thr garden, wont ever deal with car shit. He’s really not going to care if he’s moody with me

But you don’t want to leave him....?

What exactly are you getting from the relationship?

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 18:32

Ok so let him get moody. He needs to learn he doesn't get it all his own way all the time and you matter too.

Ride it out . What incentive does he have to change?

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 18:33

I’m getting stability for my children
They won’t have to move house
Possibly move schools

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 23/08/2019 18:37

I’m getting stability for my children
They won’t have to move house
Possibly move schools

And they’re seeing a father who cares so little for them he isn’t willing to make adjustments to his lifestyle?

Have you seen the stats on parental obesity and effect on children?

I can say from experience that a marital split handled the right way doesn’t automatically mean an unstable life.

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/08/2019 18:40

I can see why you take these reasons into account @Farrowandbrawl but what your children will experience is:

Less time with their father because he is to fat to join in.
A poor relationship and conflict between you, children always know.
That women should put themselves last.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 19:43

Op I agree with you but you also seem to make excuse after excuse as to why nothing can change.

Irony eh?

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 20:21

hellenbackagen

I’d say it’s not excuses . It’s reasons. Even with both our incomes we cannot run 2 hours holds unless this house is sold .
I can’t force that unless through divorce
I cannot divorce unless living apart or say unreasonable behaviour which he’d never agree to.
dutinh arguments when I say I want to split he says he will give up work so he will get custody of kids. As he looks after them as much as I do I won’t be seen as primary career and so will be innhis favour
I’d never ever be a dick over acces / money . Genuinely I’d love him to meet someone who makes him happy and wants to do stuff.
On the other hand I’d have no interest in anyone else. I just want a quiet happy life

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 23/08/2019 20:22

He doesn’t have to agree unreasonable behaviour.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 20:25

Ok reasons

Lots of reasons you can't change anything.

Just like your dh.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 20:27

Op If you can continue to find "reasons "
Then accept he can too.

6 of one and half dozen of the other.

hellenbackagen · 23/08/2019 20:29

My empathy and sympathy has just dried up.
You can change it but you're inertia is as bad as his .
Get real.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 23/08/2019 20:31

hellenbackagen

Yeah course... Cause not having a spare 250k is same as not stuffing your face 😂👌🏻

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 23/08/2019 20:33

Come on OP, you don’t need £250k to call time on a marriage. If you did, there wouldn’t be many divorces.