If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

I'm not interested in your little secret.

Maybe the others in this thread are .

Hellen
Im sorry I have taken out things on you.
I get jealous of people who have NT kids or even those with ASD but get a ‘happy ending ‘
Essentially this has shown me I need to stay. Can’t disrupt the kids.
But the overwhelming opinion of those that are overweight is ‘love me as I am ‘
‘Physical appearance should have no impression on Sexual attraction’ which I’m sure he’d say ( slightly easier as I’m same size and weight since pre kids)

I don't think it's 'shallow' , DH has gone up 1 waist size since I first met him. If he put any more weight on I'd tell him he needs to eat less and move more (and have done when the pounds have started creeping on in the past) I don't personally think there's any need for it. I've carried and birthed 2 children since we got together and I'm still a size 8- so he doesn't really have any excuse!
I don't think there's anything wrong with not fancying your partner any more If they pile on weight for no reason, I think it's quite insulting if a partner gets complacent and doesn't bother with their appearance once they get comfortable!

Totally understand these sentiments. Surely if you love someone as much as they love you, you'd want them to find you sexually attractive? I would be mortified to become an obese or even just fat woman, overeating and lazy (as OPs DP is). DH is quite happy with my baby tummy and less than perky boobs, as we have lovely DCs as a result, but grossly fat would be a turn off for both of us. We would still love each other I think, but the attraction wouldn't be so strong.

Oh darling that's just not how it has to be though!

I really do get how you feel . Our kids find their own way I promise and after years and years of worrying I've realised that!

You honestly do have choices. X

I think you’re reading things into the thread that aren’t there. As an overweight person on the thread all I’ve mentioned is how my partner feels about me and tried to explain some of the complexities around obesity. I’ve repeatedly said if you don’t fancy or love him that’s fine. I’ve reported posts where people were nasty to you. Ultimately your choices are you have to take him how he is and hope he changes and that even if he does it’s not too little too late or bite the bullet and separate. I’ve got an autistic child too who I could never move from his school and unsettle so I absolutely get that. Good luck with whatever.

Op
You are me 15'years back .

All the worries make no difference. Our kids find their way. Honestly they do even if
You think they can't . They do.!

Then it will be your turn rightly or wrongly.

My heart actually hurts for you because I remember so clearly how I felt thE same .

It honestly gets better for them . As they get older and mature. My boy clearly thought it easier to be pointed at for being western than being pointed at for being a bit odd....China accepted him . His wife looks after him. They find a way ! All the worrying I did - honestly! And he's just fine! He's in a cruise right now!

Your boy will find his place.

You can say your relationship doesn't fulfill you. It's allowed. X

You can stop fancying your other half for all manner of reasons I guess, be it a change in personality, looks, attitude or your own personal tastes changing.

Hey
I’m sorry to anyone ive offended on this . I’m not that great myself and my husband is a very good person
I really appreciate those who have given advice. All of it has been really helpful to me x

Love you honestly haven't offended me .

I desperately want you to be
Happy .

Your boyo will be ok . They have a habit of surprising us!

Then it's you needs sorting. Your happiness matters. X

@Farrowandbrawl Yes, @Rainbunny makes a good point. I’m not saying your DH isn’t selfish. In a way, separation or having a break might give him the wakeup call he needs. Is there somewhere you and the kids can stay for a few weeks?

I am surprised when you say you still love him and like him though. The way you have spoken about him and your reasons for not getting a divorce are completely at odds with this only being about his weight. From what you’ve said, you’re literally only still with him for stability for your children and for monetary reasons (and because he won’t agree to unreasonable behaviour).

This is not the attitude of two people who both love and like each other. It just feels like you’re not being honest with yourself.

I'm in a similar position OP and it has killed things for me. Like you said, certain positions are uncomfortable with a big belly and it's REALLY off-putting. It sounds awful and I'm riddled with guilt but I cringe at sex sometimes. Lights off and on top for me .

I keep myself fit, slim and I eat well. I wish he'd do the same but he's just not interested. He's loves excessive eating/drinking and has gained 4-5 stone since we got together. I've never said a word about his weight because I don't want to upset him.

He's also very arrogant and will not accept criticism so I don't think it would go well. I can guarantee that if things were the other way around he would hate it too.

It's crap

@IHateUncleJamie

The thing is on a forum like this you can only post a snap shot of ones life . Ive posted about what I see as the biggest problem in the relationship because of how it impacts in sex and ability to do stuff with the kids as well as thr example it sets

Unfortunately I have no where we could stay for a while, and even so it’s s big upheaval for the kids to move out of their home

@Orangepancakes my sympathies to you. It’s just so depressing isn’t it 😔

Would you stop fancying your dp if they dyed their hair a funny colour / it all fell out? If they started dressing dramatically differently? Grew a beard? Became ill and their physical appearance changed?

I think a long term relationship is a commitment to be together regardless of those things?

It sounds as though you have bigger problems in your marriage than your dh’s weight.
Seek legal advice about the financial side of leaving if you’re unhappy?

So the issue is that you want to leave your H but are paying for your son (with additional needs) private education, and this would no longer be affordable if you had to maintain two households?

You can't help who you fancy or not so if weight or height or a small penis etc is a turn off then so be it.

I think your husband’s weight is only the tip of the fatberg.

He’s basically refusing to take care of himself. (Think what little patience MNers have for eg a cocklodger who refuses to look for a job or pay his way.)

Would it be possible to frogmarch him to the GP for a health check?

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell him you won’t even consider sex with him until his BMI is under 25.

You might have to clear all the junk food out of the house and have everyone eating healthier.

If there IS an underlying cause for the overeating/unfitness, it’s absolutely up to him to take steps to sort it and talk to you about it.

I’m sorry things are so hard for your son.

However, you have to make plans and take action if your husband is unwilling to change.

An ultimatum without consequences is, after all, nagging.

Hugs though, it sounds rubbish.

I think the OP’s son has a place in a special school, Loopytiles and the OP thinks she can’t leave her husband because she can’t afford to buy a house in the catchment.

However, she could rent. She could speak to the school about the situation. She could look at other special schools with different catchments that might meet his needs. I doubt every parent at that school owns a 250k house.

OP, I think DH’s weight is a side issue, or a symptom of what you’re unhappy with, a general attitude.

My dp is very overweight. I find her very attractive because she is her. I would find her attractive at any weight. There’s no way I could fall out of love with her based on weight and if you have, there’s a bigger problem than weight imo.

Obesity is so complicated. It’s not a case of refusing to look after yourself or not caring. People can be trying incredibly hard and not getting anywhere because they’re trapped in the diet cycle.

OP how are you feeling?

I put on 6 stone purely through over eating and being lazy. My partner never stopped finding me attractive/ wanting to be intimate with me. It’s one of the reasons I adore him because he’s shown that he doesn’t just find me attractive when I’m a skinny Minnie.

For all the pps claiming their OH didn't mind or find them any less attractive? How can you be sure.
Most OHs in this situation still care deeply for their partner and will put off being honest as it is such an emotional subject.
I've had the conversation with DP in the past, I went down the for your health route, I didn't to hurt him to say his belly gets in the way, it is a turn off.

OP, there’s such sadness and resignation in your posts. You can’t change your husband. He has to want to make the changes for himself. But you can make changes to shift the way you feel. If there are practical constraints to moving out, maybe look into a separation agreement where you continue to co-habit? That might mean having separate bedrooms, cooking separate meals and not doing each other’s laundry.

Can you talk to your husband about how sad you feel at the moment without reference to his weight or his attitude and suggest separate rooms and separate routines as a trial separation, to see how that impacts you both?

If you don’t feel able to have that conversation with him at the moment, at the very least don’t give in to his moodiness by having sex with him when you don’t want it. I think that’s the saddest part of all you’ve written, that you still continue to have sex with him to avoid his moods.

He knows you don’t enjoy it but puts you under pressure to meet his sexual needs. No matter what his size or weight, the fact that he knows you’re not a truly willing participant but persists in putting you in that position speaks volumes about his character.

I think his weight is a red herring and you have plenty of reasons not to be attracted to him.