A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

OP, you sound reasonable to me.

I would msg MIL and put her off. (Whatever happens, you definitely don't want a younger child there.)

Maybe she could be available by phone on the night instead?

I would also reassure her that you'll be watching via camera.

I would also make sure DS knows not to have any friends round.

@MilDog: my parents were in a similar position. An absolutely daft dog but had a bad experience with a kid on a scooter. They were always very careful around children but it was just this one action that made him skittish. They ended up asking their dog trainer (they were in training classes as he was a rescue) and they did some private sessions to help his fear and he was much better afterwards

PS....if you are going to check on them via phone camera best let your DS know 😉

I honestly think I wouldn’t leave a 12 year old alone with a year old dog that was too strong for him to control, regardless of the circumstances, so I can see why mil’s worried.. I hate what ifs, but what if someone rang the doorbell and the dog got overexcited and bonkers? What if the dog asked to go out?

Having said that, bringing a small child into the equation is just daft. If you’re really happy with leaving the boy alone with the dog, reassure mil that boy will ring her if he needs any help. Which presumably as she’s local she knows anyway.

• I hate what ifs, but what if someone rang the doorbell and the dog got Presumably both these scenarios have happened previously and didn't cause the dog to go full on savage...

I also agree to just tell your MIL no. Bringing an anxious DN into the situation is likely to change it from a relaxed atmosphere to a tense one and dogs pick up on that. I don't understand the people that think this is reasonable? Are they now saying your DC shouldn't ever get to stay home alone? That's a little OTT. I mean just the fact that you are having your dog walker come and not having your DC walk the dog tells me you've thought this yhrough and are making a reasonable and responsible choice.

“* I hate what ifs, but what if someone rang the doorbell and the dog got Presumably both these scenarios have happened previously and didn't cause the dog to go full on savage...”

I’m sure they have and i’m sure they didn’t. But has the child had to deal with it on his own before?

Oh and i wanted to add your poor pup! What a shit that kid was. I remember my friend's kid (ADHD and young) whacked my puppy across the face with a tennis racket. I loved my friend but wanted to absolutely strangle the kid. I had a word (not very friendly word, but not yell or anything. Juust firm) with the boy and cried to his dad. Luckily his dad just said, hey how would YOU feel if someone bonked you with a racket? Kid still sulked but i knew to keep a better eye on him in the future.

I'd say no to MIL she doesn't need to check in however I would crate the dog whilst you are out. If anything your son does reminds him of that child running into him (could simply look at dog similar) the dog could snap.
Child is 12 not, 18

Just realised I should have put apostrophe after 'does'. Should make more sense if u reread

I think you need to tell MIL that to have DN over will be detrimental to your sons future safety with the dog. Explain that the dog had a frightening experience with a strange child therefore having DN around ddog withoit you there will scare the dog further making the problem worse. Tell her you trust your son as he understands the dogs body language and knows how to properly train the dog.
You are being very sensible having a behaviourist to ask how to help ddog.
I hope your behaviourist/walker is properly qualified. Anyone can call themselves a behaviourist so double check that they are up to date on proper advice. You should be recommended to do desensitisation work on having things touch his paw and slowly reintroduced to being calm around children on scooters. If they recommend corrections or punishing ddog then get yourself a new walker.
Good luck with MIL situation

When dogs snap, there's always a reason. This poor dog was hurt by a child on a scooter and rightly, reacted to protect himself the next time the same threat occurred.

Has he shown any other signs of aggression. No. Do dogs react like this for no good reason. Very rarely.

Tell MIL, thanks but no thanks. You trust your DC and your Ddog and you know them best.

Not sure what MIL is thinking if she thinks your dog can't be trusted but wants to bring a younger child into the situation. I'd tell her that the situation in is hand and your DS will be fine.

The dog growled and snarled, i.e. warned off, a strange child that intentionally caused him fear and pain. He hasn't bitten anyone.

Pretty certain my small inoffensive dog would react in exactly the same way if the same thing happened to her. And whilst I understand that a large dog could potentially do a lot of damage to the child the dog didn't attempt to attack, so it's size is irrelevant. It was reacting in a restrained and controlled way to an attack on its person. That's how dogs communicate.

If a strange kid ran at me and ran over my foot, I'd be bloody cross too.

If the dog went in and bit with no warning, then I would agree, it's dangerous. The dog didn't it gave a good warning.

I suspect that most of these cases where a dog attacks a child and the adults around it say it happened without any warning, they have no idea about dogs' body language and have allowed their children to climb all over the dog and pester it while they completely ignore the signs the dog has been giving out that it isn't happy.

Look at all the 'cute' videos on you tube of kids climbing and bouncing on the family dog. It's not cute and in many of them it's clear the dog is unhappy. But the parents go on letting their kid abuse the dog not having enough sense to realise that one day that dog may have had enough and snap.

To be honest the real issue is that you’re willing to leave a 12 year old alone in the house all evening.

You shouldn’t be leaving a 12 year old at all, no matter how close other peoples houses are. Especially not with a dog whilst these issues are being smoothed out.

I think the fact that everyone seems to be missing here is that the MIL has genuine concerns here, she’s the one that knows the breed and what type of temperament it has. The OP must have had some concerns regarding leaving it alone with DS after this incident as she would have just told MIL to butt out and not ask strangers on the internet who have no vested interest in her son or real knowledge of the dog.

It’s totally up to you whether you leave your dog and your son together. Fair enough if your MIL is slightly nervous about it, but it’s none of her business. Like you say, you need to pick your battles. But this is one I’d pick. For many reasons.

1. she is undermining your sons relationship with the dog
2. she is undermining your decision as parents
3. she is potentially causing risk/misunderstanding by taking DN to spend the evening with your dog, without your supervision
4. she is undermining your sons independence to show he can be left alone

I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you are leaving son and dog, and that’s that. She is not to come and bring DN, she is not to even come and check on him.

If she does decide to pop in to check on him, it blurs the boundaries of leaving your child alone and telling them not to open the door to people. It shouldn’t matter who it is, if I was telling my 13 year old not to open the door if he was home alone, I would be pissed off for his GP to put him in a position where he has to decide whether to send her away, or disregard my instructions.

Some things are fundamental parenting decisions, and only the opinion of the parents matters. This is one of them, IMO

You know, a mil could raise concerns about leaving a child alone with a 30ft boa constrictor and Mumsnet would say None of her business.Parents know best. Nip ir in the bud. She’s overstepping. She’s had her turn. Put her in her place, And so on!

I also don’t care who is is, or what the relationship is. I would not be ok with people making plans with my CHILD to come to my house and spend time with them, without my involvement. You don’t invite yourself to people’s houses behind their backs. She should have discussed it with you, the homeowners/parents.

Genuinely surprised no one is fussed about leaving a 12 year old alone all night.

5.5 hours for a sensible 13 year old is reasonable in my book.

Quite BertrandRussell, I think the fact it’s the MIL in question here is clouding people’s judgement. I think if it were reversed and it were MILs dog and the OP was worried about her child going to her house the responses might be different.

“You don’t invite yourself to people’s houses behind their backs. She should have discussed it with you, the homeowners/parents.”

Jesus Christ- she’s his grandmother, not a double glazing salesman!

Since when has 6pm to 11.30pm been all night? A 12 year old (and in this case read the OP, the child is 13) shoulod be fine on their own for this length of time.

When mine were that age, we had agreed rules about whether to answer doors, and so on.

Not relevant that she’s his grandmother. There’s another thread where the grandparents have taken the child on a weeks holiday without the parents permission. Being a grandparent doesn’t give you carte blanche to do what you want.