A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

HiJenny35
Get off your dog-hating horse and pipe down

@MilDog
The only time the awful phrase known for aggression is used is by rags like the Daily Fail, no dog is predisposed to aggression.
I own bull breeds and they are trained and completely bombproof as they work with other dogs but still they get judged and avoided, sadly as this thread shows too many people claim to know dogs but in reality they don’t. Why should we expect to tolerate abuse and harassment by kids? Some PP here who have dogs I’m concerned what they put their dogs through 🙄
You sound a very responsible dog owner, it’s our job to protect and keep them safe and you should tell Mil to butt out, it’s none of her business and if she’s that concerned why is she bringing DN along? She sounds very pushy.

Just say no to your MIL.

I wouldn't be happy with her bringing you nephew over who is afraid of dogs when you are not there. You don't know how he will react to the dog, your MIL will deal with the dog or how the dog could deal with them if they mishandle the dog.

@NoSauce
I’m pretty astounded you own dogs, you have a complete lack of knowledge dog behaviour. You the type that match them to the vets for the slightest wrong?
Waste of time trying to get through you 🙄

The vast majority of owners with big powerful dogs train them well - they NEED to be bombproof because they are so large, unlike your average snappy chihuahua that gets away with it.

This is exactly why we specifically chose a dog walker who is a trainer and behaviourist and has experience of similar breeds so that we could work with her and her with him from day 1 when we got him to make sure he is well trained and impeccably behaved.

He's still young and learning (and a bit stupid on occasions)

Your dog sounds fantastic for a year old.

As MIL hasn't done you the courtesy of talking to you about it, I'd just leave DS home with the dog and tell him he's not allowed to open door for anyone as it's not safe

Is MIL experienced with dogs? Bringing DN into a home where she believes there is a dangerous dog is very irresponsible.

I don’t understand why you started this thread OP if you’re certain you’re in the right here.

Look, you have variously described the dog as “young, silly, stupid, hyper” so it’s clear there’s a lot of work for you to do as owners here.

In those circumstances I probably wouldn’t leave the dog alone with my child, no. And I say this as a dog owner and a parent.

Say no.Its not up to her to decide if the dog is safe with your ds 12 or not,and as you've already said they are best mates.

Dog professional hat on...

Your dog reacted understandably to try and keep himself safe in an identical situation to one in which he was frightened and physically hurt.

And yet he did NOT bite that child - he could have, and no matter how well you know your dog or how fast your reactions, had he WANTED to bite that child, he would have done so.

Your dog has in fact shown extreme restraint and unwillingness to actually bite.

I see no unreasonable risk in leaving him with the dog as you have planned - there will ALWAYS be a risk of course, there'd be risk if you left him without the dog, its your job to determine if the risk is appropriate.

However I actually think adding the MIL and the DN to the situation would INCREASE the risk of your dog becoming over aroused, anxious or worried, which increases the risk of growling/snapping/biting.

One of the common triggers for dog bite incidents in the home IS adding new people or people known to increase arousal, and changing the dynamic (remove normal resident adults, add unusual non resident humans).

Stick to your guns and tell MIL she is NOT to turn up (better yet, tell her its cancelled and do it another night if possible so theres NO risk of her showing up unexpectedly).

I'd love to see a pic of your dog op,my guess is a Rottie.

I guess Rottie too! Would love to see a pic. I think he was very well behaved when brat ran over his foot. I have had terriers. They definitely would have snapped.

You know both your dog and your child well enough to know if this is a good idea, your MIL is less qualified to make that call!

Side note though, I would attempt to find out who this child is and make his parents aware! He can't do that, one day he may either seriously hurt a dog, or be seriously hurt by another dog if he's doing things like that!

It doesn't matter what breed of dog it is. All dogs can be dangerous, it's not down to specific breeds. The dog was hurt and reacted. And to the poster that said they bet it was a staffie, clearly you haven't met many of that breed! I've had/worked with staffies most my life. They are lovely dogs!

OP, you know your dog best. If you are comfortable leaving your DC with the dog for the evening, tell MIL thanks, but no thanks. She doesn't get to dictate matters with your son.

Of course it matters what the breed is. A dog that is a 100 pound would do far more damage than a 5 pound one

@nosauce
OP stated about 30kg, breed is irrelevant, you’re clearly frothing at the mouth for a breed rant.

You’re the one frothing and picking at everything I post Bookworm. I know the OPs dog isn’t 100 pound, I was responding to the poster that said it didn’t matter what the breed of dog was, which imo is wrong and that a much larger dog will do more damage than a very small one! It’s not rocket science.

But breed is irrelevant. When a dog is aggressive it can do damage regardless of breed. I've been bit by a small breed and had to go to hospital. OP isn't asking anything about the breed of dog, she's asking about a situation with her MIL. At the end of the day, she clearly trusts her dog and knows it better than anyone here, so she is the most qualified to make that decision.

In this particular case breed is irrelevant. Because you already know it’s a big dog - knowing what breed of big dog is not going to change the answers to the dilemma, or shouldn’t, anyway.

Ridiculous to have a strong and potentially dangerous dog in the first place. So many breads that don't pose a life altering threat.

Stupidest comment of the week so far 😂

What’s with the obsession of knowing the breed? So people can go ‘Oh yeah, one time a (insert breed) bit me’? Pointless. Worst dog I knew was a lab, vicious bastard it was, over 30kg, show type, huge head.

Anyway, tell your mil not to come, although as you’re out, what will you do if she comes anyway? Shame for your ds to have his adult evening spoilt by granny coming to babysit him.

Tell her no,back your dc up as they want their own plans. Miles sounds an ass not lovely!!

Oh OP I would love to know what dog it is. Especially if they’re a rarer seen breed. Rhodesian ridgeback? I would LOVE one!

As far as I’m concerned that little shit, is just that. That child is more of a danger than your dog. You are doing all you can do. Dog most likely won’t be fully mature due to size until approx 3 years? That’s when my Girl will be. She’s 1 1/2. Dog is teenager, was scared, didn’t feel comfortable in the situation and rightly so. My Ddog, who has shown she would never hurt a fly, In many many situations, dislikes some people will bark at them and act very frightened and she has never seen them before. Some dogs can just sense bad. And regardless of the child’s age, the fact it will attack an animal in such a way speaks VOLUMES. Maybe look out for his name in the paper in 10 years time.

I would get DC to ask MIL to not come around as it’s his night. After all she said to him she would come around, he can ask her not to.

I don’t understand why you started this thread OP if you’re certain you’re in the right here.

Where did I say I'm in the right?

I've repeatedly said I keep second guessing and wondering what if, and that my MIL is a lovely sensible woman so maybe I should listen

I was fully prepared for the majority of posters to come on and flame me and say "wtf are you thinking OP, you shouldn't even be leaving a 12yr old alone anyway never mind with a dog" in which case I would've given my head a wobble and just let MIL do what she wants.

I was seriously questioning whether I was maybe "that owner" and being blinkered by my love for my dog - but a lot of posters have made me feel better and given some good suggestions.

I'm very conscious of the reaction he gets from people based purely on his looks (no-one so far has mentioned the correct breed!) so I do sometimes question myself when it comes to him about whether I'm BU or just "defending him" for the sake of it. I like to think I'm an extremely responsible dog owner!

I've spoken to DH and he's going round to his parents tonight for something else so going to speak to them. He's not going to tell her she CAN'T come but just let her know that we don't think DN being here is the best idea and that we're not comfortable with it, but also to explain to her how DC is feeling (this is what she's the most likely to take notice of but he's way too nice to tell her himself, he's still a bit of a grannys boy for now!)

We'll leave the ball in her court whether she wants to check in on DC via phone/text or even if her or FIL want to just call in briefly on their own to check everything's ok, I really can't get worked up about that.

I agree with widdlin. Your DS and dog are used to living with each other. I assume DS will spend his time on his X box (or whatever). Dog will be perfectly chilled in his own home where he has everything he needs.

Problems could arise when adding unknowns to the mix - MIL yapping and fussing. One child, quietly playing will now become 2 children talking (with possibly raised voices) and generally messing about which will heighten the dogs arousal.

It would be best if MIL and DN stayed away. Just tell MIL the dog will be no problem with DS but may become over excited with 3 people in the house. Suggest she call DS instead and that DS will call her if he needs to.