A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

“Being a grandparent doesn’t give you carte blanche to do what you want.”

Of course it doesn’t. Don’t be silly.

You seem to think that that it’s ok for a grandparent to invite themselves over without speaking to the parents, because the grandparents knew the parents would say no?

Unless you haven’t RTFT?

@Jellybeansincognito I thought it was just me. I got a 12 yo DD and no way would I leave her home alone for the evening. And she’s very sensible. Dog or no dog.

When are you due home that day? The simple answer is to leave dc and ddog at home alone, it's marginal at that age needing a sitter, and is very dependent on the child (some are far more mature than others) but if mil isn't too far away dc can always call if there's a problem. From that age I left my kids until about 10pm

Yes the fact that it’s a 12 year old being left alone all evening has been lost.

It doesn't matter if the MIL knows the breed of dog, because that's irrelevant. And she doesn't know the dog as well as the OP does. OP is the only one qualified to judge if she is comfortable leaving her (presumably) sensible DC with a dog that she knows best. Either way, it doesn't give MIL the right to butt in or invite herself around. She doesn't get to dictate how the OP parents or intervene with what OP and her DH decide is right for their DC.

If OP decides to leave DC and dog for a few hours, it's non of MIL's business.

The fact that it’s not even a 12 year old has been even more lost

The fact that it’s not even a 12 year old has been even more lost

What do you mean?

Ps my dog holds grudges against various things due to incidents eg all cars because someone backed into us in a car park (no damage), all grey staffies (one attacked him) motorcyclists, and horses (no idea why, even statues of horses get his wrath!) it can be hard to break, our behaviourist (at vets) has no more ideas to try

To clarify....

DC is 12 and has been left at home with the dog, quite a bit in the current school holidays but during the day

It is NOT all night, it's from 6pm until 11.30pm but will be the first time he's been left in the evening like this (latest we've been out in the past was around 9.30pm)

HTH

@NoSauce the OP said he was 13 in the OP.

He seems to be 12 now, 🤷🏼‍♀️ But it’s still a parents right to decide what their boundaries are, and not the GP

It was a typo in the OP - I actually put both then realised corrected it in the very first post under my OP

Your dog, your house, your son, yes tell her to back off! Just go with the original plan of DS and DDog having a nice evening in together.

It says 12 in the actual OP doesn’t it?

I’ve left DD for half an hour or so in the day. Till gone 11pm at night a whole different kettle of fish imho, that’s just me maybe!

Well, there's CCTV coverage in the house, of both dog and child. There are caring and trusted adults within 10 minutes, who either the dc can get hold of if necessary, or the parents can. MIL is keen to drop in and make sure he's okay. It sounds like dc is a fairly responsible and sensible person. There's a whacking great dog there to provide companionship and an element of security. Parents will have their mobiles - DC knows how to call them I assume, and parents know how to call DC. It will be for a period of 5.5 hours.

That sounds like reasonable provision for their supervision and wellbeing to me. It wouldn't to some, it will to others - it's very subjective, which is why the law pertaining to it isn't black and white.

And sigh. No, not a vendetta against MILS, if it were DM, FIL, DS, or DB, or Mrs Jones from 108 just across the road - my opinion would be the same.

Some people have a real chip on their shoulders when it comes to MILs, that's for sure - both ways!

No I agree @PuppyMonkey
You wouldn’t want to have to rely on a 12 year old leaving the house during late evening in case of something being wrong or needing somebody.

Phone not working, people not answering - bigger boys turning up

You wouldn’t leave a 12 year old home alone whilst you’re working late, so I don’t really know why it’s acceptable to go to an event and leave the 12 year old alone.
Especially until half 11.

Jellybeans - do you have a 12 year old? Most get themselves to and from school, and go out on their own with friends after school.

Children need to learn independence in small steps.

FWIW OP I would say thanks but no thanks to granny's offer.

It’s a bit late for a 12 year old to be on their own but if he’s happy to be left and knows he can ring someone if he needs them I think it should be ok. Although I don’t think I would do it personally.

Just joining the thread to say that scooter kid sounds like a little shit. Your poor dog.

He won't be on his own NoSauce - he'll be with his dog

No I don’t have a 12 year old, i have 2 children though, I’m also a responsible adult so should be valid enough to have an opinion 🙄.

Older people are pretty lax about leaving children home alone- so it’s concerning that this mil is showing more concern than op herself.