When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Everyone's saying "can't they just have one day got themselves".
It sounds likes hes the NRP, they probably have lots of time just for themselves.
The children already feel insecure and unloved. They've already been telling these children they're going to get married and have more kids.
Sounds like you're going to have lots of alone time soon enough as his kids will stop visiting.

If it was me, I would take notice of what everyone has said and I would do the wedding at home with the kids, take them with you on a 'cheaper' honeymoon - even if it's a long weekend away in the UK and then enjoy your prepaid wedding and honeymoon just the two of you....

The solution as somebody had mentioned in previous posts is to have the "exotic wedding" and a "local friends and family wedding" I don't think it actually matters which one of the two is the actual legal one, that seems beyond irrelevant but for some reason everyone seems to think the kids have to be involved with the "legal" one. As long as they're fully insured loved with one of the two surely it isn't a problem?

@Whentotell123 there does seem to be a language barrier or something. Your upcoming wedding/marriage does cause your dsc to bat an eyelid - in fact it causes them anxiety that their father will love them less. It is up to you both to reassure them. I'm not sure that a wedding were they are no invited is a good way to do this. If you think their mother is encouraging this anxiety then your dh-to-be needs to deal with that. You need to be careful that you aren't blaming her in the wrong though

So reading between the lines the question is:

When is the best time to tell the children the actual wedding date , to avoid as much back lash from ex wife - as in ex wife will tell children this mean dad doesn't love them as much?

In that case it doesn't matter really.
What matters is strengthening the relationship between children and dad.

You've said they wouldn't want to take a day off school, why not book a registry office for around 4.30pm so they have chance to put on their wedding outfits and then go for a meal all together after, after all it's just the legal side of things. You then get to go on your holiday/honeymoon and have your private ceremony.
When my dad and stepmum got married they only wanted their 2 best friends there but realised I would be angry and devestated if I wasn't there too, they were right I would have been, I was 17 but he was still my dad, why wouldn't I want to be there?
I think your both being incredibly selfish, as the majority of the 33 pages have said. Your getting angry and defensive coz deep down you know you are you just don't want to admit it.

You are excluding them OP and their mother has every right to be furious with you. I certainly would be if their father was going to emotionally damage them like this. Reading between the lines you are not a mother yourself yet, because if you were you would not be doing this to the children! You are very selfish, yes weddings are about the bride and groom but FFS, get a grip.

Op your posts are so inconsistent.

You repeatedly said the ceremony was free, included in the holiday as a freebie.

You have then said you can’t afford £600 on a register office, despite having the money for an exotic honeymoon.

You’ve said you can’t change the honeymoon/wedding and will not be wasting money cancelling it, well you can always ‘change’ bookings but if the wedding is being thrown in for free then no need to change the honeymoon, you can just keep the honeymoon as is and cancel the freebie wedding add on. If it’s free then you won’t be losing anything.

Oh but then you say you will not waste ‘thousands of pounds!!!’ Cancelling a wedding which you have said many times is ‘FREE’.

You have changed your tune throughout, Children upset, not upset, couldn’t care, will care. DH has a crystal ball and ‘just knows’ how children will react.

You have been lots of advice on here and personal anecdotes, all of which you have haughtily, completely and arrogantly dismissed. This is why you have been flamed.

You clearly are not willing to take on board other people’s opinions, preferring to cling to your future DH ‘certainty that kids won’t care’ so that you can ignore any prospect of -potentially- likely upset to the children so that you can ‘guilt free’ plough ahead with what you want.

This dismissive attitude to your future step children is really poor. Have you actually asked them if they would like to see you get married.

If not why not .......because you don’t actually want to know, you want to do what you want regardless. You deserve to have been flamed on here I’m afraid.

Beautifully put @scubadive

I'd love to hear the Ex's viewpoint.

I would also love to hear the ex's perspective.

The children know our intention to marry, they haven’t batted an eyelid. They couldn’t care less

We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc. I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married.

All your words.

So which is it op?

Morning, everyone. We know the OP posted in AIBU so is presumably expecting some strong opinions, but could we avoid posting anything that's a personal attack or just rude? We've deleted a couple of posts already and will have to delete the entire thread if we have to zap lots more. Thanks!

What was MNHQ expecting when they put this thread into the thread email then? You could already see the way it was going!

@katewhinesalot

Exactly.
Fair do Op.
which is it?

Did anyone ask the kids if they wanted to go?

Why would they bother beatriceprior? They won’t take them anyway.

1.. The children know our intention to marry, they haven’t batted an eyelid. They couldn’t care less

2... recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married

I am a little unsure which version is the correct one, as I don't think both of the OP's statements can be true. Unless I have totally misunderstood.

Ok so to answer the original question of when to do it? Do it soon, very soon. Cause you are going to need boatloads of advice over the coming months to deal with the anger and upset the kids will show you both as you are both completely clueless on kids it seems. But I'm guessing it will all be turned around on the kids mother and all her fault.

This is honestly one of the most infuriating threads I've read on here and I hope you and your partner are prepared for the years of backlash this will most likely cause. People who have been in the scenario have told you how damaging it is and you don't give a fuck.

But as long as you get him all to yourself, you do you.

I got married last week abroad.

We took my daughter, his step son from a long term previous relationship and my partners adult son chose not to come - he couldn't, as he is about to be a dad himself any day now.

The kids come on every holiday because they are his and my family. Adult son comes occasionally if he fancies it.

His step son from his previous relationship was best man. We don't get to see him as much as we'd like so it was important to us to make sure he felt a part of such a major decision in his step dads life and welcoming him into my wider family even more.

It is about two people and the commitment etc but when you marry someone with kids you are also or should be showing a level of commitment to them too.

I couldn't imagine not taking any of them on holiday, or taking one but not the other (except the over 18 and that's his choice if he wants to or not) never mind not including them in something like this. We can afford one holiday a year. We pick somewhere we can afford for ALL of us.

Is it about the extra cost or having to look after them for the whole holiday?

I really think you should look and take on board what 99% of people are saying about the registry office before you go.

If it's a free ceremony included in the package, won't be an issue for the hotel to change it to a blessing.

@HebeMumsnet

In this instance, despite the strong opinions being voiced, I would not delete the thread. It's important to be able to have a voice and a place where robust opinions can be voiced. Anything less would be an insult to Mumsnet's purpose and counter to the very thing that makes t so successful. I know you have the ability to do what you wish - even censor my comment - but that doesn't make it right or even reflect the views
Of the majority.

@msmith501

Quite.

And if someone posts something so clearly controversial and then sticks her fingers in her ears whilst whistling, then the comments should be robust and left standing.

There's robust and then theres name calling and bullying.

@Bonjourfreddie

I agree but also think that's a reason to remove specific comments not delete the whole thread unless we behave ourselves. We are adults not children and like in school, when a child misbehaves, that is not a reason to keep the whole class in detention.,. unless we're all meant to be naughty children.