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AIBU?

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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whentotell123 · 23/08/2019 17:37

I feel like I must be speaking a different language as you’re clearly not understanding me. The children know our intention to marry, they haven’t batted an eyelid. They couldn’t care less, not because I’m some evil step mum to be trying to steal daddy, it’s purely they know it has no impact on them.

This isn’t some secret wedding to run away from the kids. It’s a honeymoon with a wedding at the resort on the day we want it. Knowing the kids genuinely are not fazed is the one of the many reasons to just do it abroad.

I asked when to tell them of the specific wedding date more because I know their mum will get back into their heads to upset them more. M

If I led with that, I would’ve been flamed (which I airways have been!!) so I didn’t.

I appreciate all the replies saying how affected you have been about your experiences however that will not be the case here.

Before booking our wedding/honeymoon I spoke to my partner who said everything will be ok so please stop making me out to be some evil women.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 17:44

But you said in your opening post that one of them was in tears at the prospect of the wedding and now you're saying they're not fazed. It does sound a little like backtracking.

Albeit you've alleged their mum is stirring it, that sort of reaction would make me more inclined to want to include them which you and your DP don't want to do (and to be honest I think less of him than you given they are his kids and he should be doing everything he can to reassure them).

Schuyler · 23/08/2019 17:46

What was the point of this thread if the children will be fine with it? Surely it doesn’t matter when you tell them then because they’ll be fine!

Silvercatowner · 23/08/2019 17:49

OP you said in your opening post 'recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married.' - doesn't sound as if that are that OK with it.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 23/08/2019 17:57

You are not an "evil woman", your partner is wrong.

It is up to you if you stick to your plan or not. People have been honest about the impact it will have on his kids it's up to you if you tell him and both of you if you change the wedding....

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:26

she is committing herself to an existing family

She isnt marrying the children. Its not the old days where its going to be "this is your new mother"

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:27

People have been honest about the impact they think it will have on his kids it's up to you if you tell him and both of you if you change the wedding....

I corrected that for you

Nobody knows what will happen unless its only me whos not got a crystal ball?

Dorsetcamping · 23/08/2019 18:34

Ok @Bonjourfreddie...though pretty sure though the legions of therapists out there will be able to predict the fall out from this...

Rachelover40 · 23/08/2019 18:34

Bonjourfreddie
she is committing herself to an existing family

She isnt marrying the children. Its not the old days where its going to be "this is your new mother"
--
True but the 'steps' are still a part of her life whether she wants that or not. Their feelings have to be taken into account and they may feel inhibited about expressing them.

If the op and partner had a registrar wedding with no one there except two unknown witnesses and had a big party later, it would not be so bad but that is not the plan. The plan is to have a plush wedding abroad to which the children are not invited. That's unkind. They will see the photos! I know kids who have had the same treatment from parents and they are hurt even if they don't want to say so.

The 'big' wedding can be cancelled, it's a fair way off. So what if they lose some money, the children's feelings are way more important. What is the matter with the 'fiance' that he doesn't figure in the arrangements?

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:35

Any decent therapist wouldn't do so having not met any of the people concerned.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:37

The plan is to have a plush wedding abroad

No its not. Its an AI holiday with a ceremony thrown in. I think your expectations are a little high.

They as a couple dont want to cancel it.

Dorsetcamping · 23/08/2019 18:37

Any decent therapist wouldn't do so having not met any of the people concerned.

Which is exactly what will happen sooner or later

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:38

So you do have a crystal ball then?

Dorsetcamping · 23/08/2019 18:39

Don't need to have one

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:44

You cannot possibly say what will happen because you dont know.

Dorsetcamping · 23/08/2019 18:46

No one knows 100% what will happen but if "you think" any good will come from this you are deluded.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 18:49

I have already said what i think.

Please dont insult me because i dont agree with your assumptions presented as facts.

Choice4567 · 23/08/2019 19:22

@Whentotell123 well then what are you asking for advice on/what did you hope people would say?

Tell them 2 weeks before. Optimum time. Based on nothing but then I’ve no idea what’s going on

Ferret27 · 23/08/2019 19:40

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BeauticianNotMagician81 · 23/08/2019 20:18

@Whentotell123 of course it has an impact on the children. You as the adult need to take the decision to include them and tell them straight away. So my answer to your original question is tell them now. Their mum may slag you off or "get into their heads" and the children may say they don't want to come but later when those children grow into adults they will resent you and their father for not including them. If you start on such a bad note how do you expect to form any sort of decent relationship with them in the future? The children and their mother are going to be in your life forever.

Rachelover40 · 23/08/2019 22:25

Bonjourfreddie
The plan is to have a plush wedding abroad

No its not. Its an AI holiday with a ceremony thrown in. I think your expectations are a little high.

They as a couple dont want to cancel it.
----
Well in that case I think it would be easy to cancel the wedding but still have the holiday as a honeymoon.

However, at the end of the day it's up to the op and her fiance. I hope everything said on here makes her think twice about the arrangements but I'm not going to say any more, she's been piled on enough.

YourWinter · 23/08/2019 22:42

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Wolfiefan · 23/08/2019 23:29

He said it would be ok.
Well that’s all fine then.
Those poor kids.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 23/08/2019 23:38

I don’t understand why you keep saying ‘but it’s all arranged/decided’ as if it’s impossible to alter?! Surely you can use the already booked holiday as your honeymoon, just don’t do the wedding part? (Or do that bit as a blessing and get some nice photos) Then you could do the actual marriage bit here before you go and have a relaxing time somewhere sunny afterwards.

This, exactly. There's literally no reason not to do it this way.

I can't believe how many people had this done to them as children, and how harmful it is to their lasting mental health. So many clueless parents. Sad

PumpkinPieAlibi · 24/08/2019 02:47

I really don't get it. This should be such a simple fix. A short quick registery wedding on a Friday afternoon or Saturday followed by dinner with maybe a little cake somewhere cosy. A few pics, some laughs and good food...done! Children included, minimum £££ spent, a good time was had by all, beautiful memories and everyone is included.

THEN

You go to your destination wedding, do your ceremony like originally planned, have your beautiful exotic pics taken, then enjoy your honeymoon. Come back home and throw a big party and have even more merriment and laughter.

DONE.

Everyone is included. No childfree holidays are cancelled. Tiki torches and dramatic beachside bridal photos are fitted in. And all this could be yours for the low, low price of £500.

So why is this minor compromise so bloody hard for OP when everyone gets to be happy?