When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

she posted asking when to tell them. that's what she wanted advice about.

she didn't ask whether she should change or cancel the wedding, so why would she bow down and follow advice she didn't want in the first place?

maybe its really not that controversial to her either, peoples social circles are different, and plenty people have said their parent did it so its clearly not that unusual!

This 'dad' is a special kind of twat, too, to not even consider his own kids' feelings and offer them the option of being there.

Maryscary008

I think the only way she could do that is

You see? It's what you think. Not what you know, or can prove.

It is simply what you want to believe. You need to think why you want to believe this bad thing about a person.

You need to read what she has posted to see that you cannot draw the conclusion "she doesn't care".

You make assumptions. And you decide to think the worst. Without any evidence. Just by jumping to conclusions of your own.

"I think" isn't relevant unless you can say because she said/did .... to illustrate what led you to think that. But it still is not good enough for giving any proof or facts about her.

Anyway, Emma came here to ask a specific question. People just decided to slate her instead of answering that.

That does make me wonder why those people came on the thread. After all, the OP asked about a specific thing. But they chose to start making assumptions about her character and to call her selfish, unloving, not caring about children and so on.

There is plenty of evidence that she is the opposite of the above accusations. This is what makes me wonder why so many people are on here being so nasty to her. Not answering the question she asked. Just slating her. When the evidence points to her being perfectly kind and reasonable, why would people do that?

timshelthechoice

"to not even consider his own kids' feelings and offer them the option of being there".

And your evidence for these statements is...?

You are simply making judgemental comments without any evidence or proof that they are true. Then you use these fabricated ideas upon which to base your assumptions.

This is wrong! Actually you are committing libel as it is defamatory of the man's character. You do not know what he talks about with his children! How dare you jump to such cruel and condemning judgements about him!

Maybe you just enjoy being destructive about another person's character - without bothering to find out if what you say is true or founded in facts.

Why does anybody want to behave like this? I do not understand the drive to jump to the conclusion that a person is not considering his children when you know nothing about what they do or say with their children! You do not know how he decides what to do regarding the children! You do not know what he knows about them or what they have said to him. You have neither met him or his children nor do you know about their relationship with each other, yet you sit in judgement on him.

To answer op's question I'd tell them ASAP.
Long time till April and things maybe more settled then.

Elly, you're so invested in this thread it's kinda freaky . I think doing this to one's kids is a shitty, twatty thing to do and says a lot about a person as a parent. It's an opinion. Plenty of people share it, some don't, only you have spent reams of times writing novellas about it all. Good grief.

@Ellyess

This is wrong! Actually you are committing libel as it is defamatory of the man's character.

It can't be libel if he's anonymous. You can't defame someone if no-one knows who they are.

It’s also not defamation if it’s true 😉

That too!

Bonjourfreddie l agree about the bullying and the stepmum must always by default be the culprit.
All this hand wringing about the poor DC being excluded from their parents' wedding l find strange. It is not their parents wedding, it is not a confirmation of the love that caused their existence, it is in fact a huge confirmation that, that love has died or at very least failed. I could understand all these hysterics if the two biological parents of the DC were getting married without them there and personally wouldn't do that, though l did 'do one' as a stepmum with my now dh to avoid any opportunity for sabotage or negativity (trust me, there would have been).
It seems to be that their dad marrying their stepmum is the closest that the DC will come to their parents wedding and somehow more important they're not 'left out' because their mum and dad never married. But surely if both their parents thought it was so very important to the DC to see their parents marry then surely they would have married? Or is that the stepmum s fault too?
Also are we saying the OP doesn't care about her own parents, he doesn't care about his and neither care about any close friends or siblings as they aren't invited, or many can't make it to these weddings abroad so any invite is often hollow anyway. If the OP and fiance invited his DC, how would any future DC of theirs feel? Left out and sad it was before their time maybe, they might even then have to do it all again so family wedding pics aren't everywhere of their mum as the bride and her stepkids and not the. But lm forgetting obviously that 'second waves' of DC don't matter nearly as much as 'first families' who must not under any circumstances ever feel left out.

Me again. I must be a glutton for punishment and I have read every reply.

I honestly can not believe how bullying and belittling you have been towards me. It truly is pathetic. I would love to see you speak to a person face to face the way you feel is acceptable online.

I do not need to justify why we are marrying abroad. We have made the decision together, we have spoken about my DP children and he has assured me they will be absolutely fine.

DP knows his children better than all of you. I know how much of a great father he is and I know how much he supports his children as do I.

I feel incredibly sorry for all of you who have resorted to being plain nasty. What example you must be setting your children.

As for the cancelling the wedding because people on the internet think it's a bad idea, I won't be doing that. Why would I waste thousands of pounds on the wedding my DP and I want because some strangers think it will damage his children. As I've said before he knows best. I merely asked for the right time to tell them.

Thanks to those who has shown some humanity and common sense - I appreciate it.

Come back in a few years time when you’re in the ex wife’s position and your children are being excluded from his next wedding. Just remember to remind everyone who you are, before you get too much sympathy! HTH

I'm torn on this as in my culture its normal to do the legal bit with very few people present and then the religious blessing at the party - that is considered the wedding. My own parents don't celebrate their anniversary on the day they were legally married but on the day the had the blessing/party. So I don't have an issue with this BUT I have DD and I wouldn't get married without her present.

I think as long as it is explained to the children and it's made more about the party (and they are involved and made a fuss of) it's okay (I think that's where I stand!)

I would say the same thing to a friend if I was asked the same question you asked.

whentotell123 Cross posted with you on my last post just prior to yours, l am very much on your side and l agree you are being bullied. I can't believe some posters have been even condemning any future DC you may have as being purely conceived just to push out your dsc and twist the knife further. Disgusting way to speak about a mother's future DC, before they're even conceived let alone born. You have to have a thick skin to be a stepmum. I hope you have a lovely wedding and blessed with several DC and many happy years together

@Dillydallyingthrough having a few people present is fine, the few people should definitely be his children.

I suppose you should tell them now and see what their reaction is OP, see how well their Father knows them...

I honestly cannot believe how you can read all the replies and not take note of all those posters who have written about how their exclusion from a parent's marriage to a step-parent has had a negative impact on their relationships. I'm sure those parents also thought they knew their children, and thought they would not be bothered. I believe most posters would say that there relationships worsened as time went on, as they grew up and the realisation that they were not involved in a very big part of their parent's life.

Nobody is asking you to cancel your wedding. Most people have suggested that you have a registry office wedding with your soon to be step children and then go on your destination wedding.

But it seems that you are happy to ignore the many responses you have had.

I'd say this to you in person as well.

Get Married at the cheapest registry office service during February half term with the children there

Then go on your holiday and do it again abroad with your adult friends you are taking

Sorted

You are so wrong not to involve the children. So so wrong. Selfish springs to mind

You've just reiterated what you said earlier OP, why bother coming back?

"Why would I waste thousands of pounds on the wedding my DP and I want because some strangers think it will damage his children. As I've said before he knows best. I merely asked for the right time to tell them."

I thought the wedding bit was free. No one has suggested you cancel
Your holiday. Instead do the legal bit at home first

So going back to the original question - when are you going to tell the children you're getting married?

Honestly, I don't understand why you're unwilling to make any sort of compromise whatsoever. Would it really be so difficult to include them in a registry wedding and then go out as a family for a celebratory lunch or dinner? You can then still go on your trip to celebrate your marriage in private. Don't you want to avoid any hurt that could possibly impact yours and your partner's relationship with the children?

@Schuyler if you'd actually read the thread yourself you'd know I'd already answered the original question and commented on the wedding aspect. No not everyone does think going on holiday is okay as there have been several comments about how it's sad and awful the DC are used to them going without them. Nobody said they never go with them, just that sometimes they do but apparently here that's unacceptable.

Personally I think you need to develop a relationship outside of the DC. DP and I went on holiday 2 months after we started dating (knew each other for longer). We sure as heck weren't going to take a young child away who barely knew me - that wouldn't have been fair on her. As I've already said, now we go with DSD. But at the start we did have more without her than we did with and I really don't see the issue with that. If prioritising the development of my adult relationship over countless holidays with a child makes me a "treat" then shoot me.

Good luck OP and I'm sure the kids will be absolutely fine. Have a wonderful wedding.

@Aquamarine1029 why on earth should she??? It's her wedding with DP, you know actually committing yourself to another adult - that's got naff all to do with anyone else. MN sometimes is another world

@SarahH12

Why? Because there are children involved. She is not just committing herself to a person, she is committing herself to an existing family. Her partner and his children are a package deal.