When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

I don't think Emma is going to change her mind. Shame.

And what's more I bet she is going to order the largest possible picture of her and new hubby gazing into each other's eyes as the sun sets over the sea.Awwww, Hun, it's going to look mega classy.

And she's going to put it in her sitting room where it will rub salt into the wounds every time the children come to see their dad.

ASAP and involve them as much as possible.

You don't want it leaking out.

I was really hurt to find out my Dad had remarried after the event and that I hadn't been invited. You need to show that you both love them and that they're gaining more love not losing it. You need to counteract this poison trickle asap. If you can't take them on a destination wedding, could they have important roles at the party? Could you make a speech about how lucky you feel about them? If you end up having kids, his ex is only going to make them feel they no longer matter to you both.

The mum of 'Emma's' stepkids has posted on here about how much her DC hate Emma (possibly not helped by mum's obvious hatred of her) and hate the idea of the wedding only because it is to 'Emma'. Would you seriously want two scowling hate filled pairs of eyes on you at your wedding wishing you weren't getting married to your partner at all? Really? I dont think the op is Emma as she said from outset she gets on very well with her scs but if she were 'Emma' l can't believe so many think she is and yet still think she should want this at her wedding

humbug if you're a step mum you must remember your feelings are irrelevant and what you want must always come last. According to MN.

I agree with you, though.

One thing this thread has been good for, I hope, is to illustrate that there are a good proportion of step mums who do include their DSC, who don't try and push them out, who do try their best to make their DSC feel loved and reassured. People mainly post when they are having problems so when reading say the stepparenting board it's easy to forget that the posters who resent their DSC aren't representative of most of us in real life.

alsohuman

considering you know pretty much nothing about her, I don't think you can assume that she is lying or deluded, to be honest.

its a pretty big and very unfair assumption to make. Ill say it again, all blended families work differently. You cant assume because someone is making a decision that you personally wouldn't make that they must be lying or are deluded.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels deeply sad for these children.

I wouldn’t want to marry someone who didn’t want his children at our wedding.

My Dad married my step mother abroad & told us over the phone when he got back. I think it’s hideous. I think I was around 7 years old & my brother was 9. Rightly or wrongly it made us feel like we weren’t good enough / special enough / a big enough part of dad’s life to be invited. It made us both feel irrelevant. If you already know how the ex will translate your marriage to the children, I don’t understand why you haven’t included them to dilute any misunderstanding.

@MyCatHatesEverybody One thing this thread has been good for, I hope, is to illustrate that there are a good proportion of step mums who do include their DSC, who don't try and push them out, who do try their best to make their DSC feel loved and reassured.

I agree. I am not a step-parent, nor do my kids have step-parents, but it's been reassuring to see how many step-mums on here agree that the OP's behaviour and attitude is awful, and how many of them obviously do care about the children and want to do best by them.

I don't think she is lying about not being bothered - I think she is downplaying the fact that she actually is bothered and wants a private wedding (from anyone, not specifically her step children). She has demonstrated that she feels more strongly than she has suggested by the fact that she actively wants the wedding to be on her anniversary for clearly sentimental reasons - she just wants to have a moment to herself to look into the eyes of the person she loves and feel the significance of their bond, their wedding day.

Given the strength of the pressure even randomers on this forum put on people to put themselves last at all times, even on their own wedding day, not to mention all the pressure to have the big fancy wedding from PIL, family, even social media etc, I don't think it's all that surprising that more and more people would just like to strip away all the social pressure and convention and just share that moment between the two of them. People are commenting under the pretence that a wedding HAS to be about a whole family and please everyone. I can easily see how people look back and just feel like their wedding was a stressful waste of money and they were thinking about bloody flowers, seating arrangements, getting everybody in the right place at the right time rather than the vows they are actually there to make, and would have much preferred a quiet moment between the two of them to make their vows. There's no inherent reason why weddings can't just be a simple moment between two people other than oversubscription to consumerist convention designed to make people fork out on huge parties to avoid being judged, rather than just have the moment for themselves.

Children have their own birthdays, and one day their own weddings. They don't need somebody else's to be about them.

It’s not about the wedding being about the children.
It’s about communication - listening to and considering the children’s opinions and feelings. Which the father here hasn’t done, he’s just assumed they won’t be bothered because he “knows” them. Which is stupid, because most teenagers believe that their parents don’t fully ‘know’ or understand them. And as this is a major life event rather than say choosing an ice cream flavour, it’s a stupid thing to make an assumption about when there’s a feasible risk of emotional fallout.

It's understandable AE18 that the op may feel like that. Hell I feel like that - but in this instance there are children involved. Children who already feel insecure and pushed aside. There is no reason why the op can't have what you describe, in exactly the way you describe it AND also meet her SC's emotional needs.
A quick ceremony at the registry office with the kids and two strangers after school one day followed by a meal at Mcdonalds or wherever the kids favourite place is. Their special time on holiday can go ahead as planned.

Surely win win?

Hasn't it become evident by this thread that there are a lot of adults still with hurtful baggage surrounding them because of this same issue - and there is nothing to suggest that their parents married with malicious intent without them, either. Maybe they hurt their kids inadvertently without knowing the repercussions but the op has now got the benefit of foresight. It's cruel to ignore that foresight and doesn't reflect greatly on the op.

I can't even comprehend how selfish you're being OP. Surely when you marry someone, you commit to their children as well as your partner? I'm in my mid 20s and if my dad was to run off and get married, I think it would definitely show who was top priority.

If you had children, would you be so supportive of him leaving his behind? The fact you're not wanting to become a family unit says it all, god forbid how these poor children will get cut out of you have a baby.

Never in the history of MN have I been as pissed off with a thread as I am with this one

Because you haven't been able to crush the OP and bring her to her knees with all the judgements against her and assumptions you have made.

She has maintained her dignity, held her head high. She asked for help about a specific question. You, "the vast majority" began to tear her apart without noticing her question, least of all answering it. You rapidly took your moral high ground stance and began to fire character assassinating attacks down at her without even knowing the full situation.

But she walked away intact and ignored you.

Not surprising you are so "pissed off" with this thread.

But she walked away intact and ignored you.

I think the only way she could do that is if she doesn't really care though.

@katewhinesalot

I do appreciate that, I just think that of what they actively want for themselves is a private moment in their own head space then they should feel free to do that, they just need to explain it properly to the kids.

There are plenty of perfectly reasonable ways to explain that not everyone has a big family party, some people like certain important things to be private and certain other things to be for the whole family (like the reception). Just like date nights are private without it meaning we don't love our kids. There should still be room for private romance when a couple has children, I don't think it is healthy to demand that doesn't exist.

I know people that would be deeply uncomfortable standing up in front of an audience and it would totally distract them from what they're doing, which is something very important to them. Likewise people that wouldn't want to be making fart jokes and running around a McDonald's on the day of their wedding because it is a day for focusing on their serious, adult commitments, rather than planning a kiddy day out and spending the day chasing after their children. My own parents did this - they had my aunt looking after my sister on their wedding, though she ended up having to stand outside because she was young and cried the whole way through. If they don't want to end up with a big crowd then they would have to do this themselves, shushing kids between their vows when they want to be taking them seriously. I also know people for whom a registry office wedding just wouldn't have the romance or gravitas they want to feel on "the most special day of their lives", and it is unkind to take that experience away from someone because somebody else wants to be there unnecessarily.

The people for whom a wedding is most important are the people actually getting married, so I don't believe that somebody else's arbitrary desire to witness the official, legal binding should trump what the couple actually want from that occasion. Because they are children it may need explaining more thoroughly than to an adult who should get it, but that doesn't mean the couple should still have to give up on what they want.

If they are not bothered at all then yes it would be win win, but if they are bothered then it is not win win, is it.

timshelthechoice and others who have no concept of the legal "Marriage" part and the ceremonial joining of the couple "Wedding" part.

You obviously have a very parochial view of life and clearly sit among those who think that their views have to be right just because they twist what others say.

The legal part of a Marriage is that it is witnessed and signed in the Register of Marriage and the two have declared their "I take you to be my lawful wife/husband" They can say promises of their choosing, but the elements of declaring that they have no impediment to marrying each other and that they will take each other as husband/wife are simple statements.

There are countries where this legal part is performed separately before the Wedding Ceremony, in the Civil building/Town Hall by the designated Registrar. The couple do not make this into a big ceremony. They just go to the Civic building and sign the register etc, and then go to the Church or place where they hold the Ceremony and say vows and so on. The Ceremony can be religious or not and may contain whatever they want. Many people do this part in Britain after they have married quietly elsewhere without any grand ceremony.

You are so determined to not take in what is being said. But people who have their own vendetta do that. They see a topic which touches their particular irrational anger spot and then just let go with all the argument and attack they can muster. They don't bother to see if they are actually addressing the point raised or are keeping to the facts. They get their teeth into something and keep attacking.

I am glad Emma has left the room. She was wise to do so. She saw that she was not being given any answers to the question she asked but was being attacked for her oncoming marriage to a man who already had children, although he had not been married to the mother of his children. Indeed the mother had left him long ago to be with someone else, before Emma met him.

She has poise and intelligence to see when people are simply using her as a punch bag to vent their own mixed-up feelings.

Pot.kettle.black, Ell. You obviously have a major agenda and something to justify to yourself.

Who gives a shit what goes on in other countries? In this one, the wedding is the legal bit - church or registry. A poxy party weeks after the fact is just that, not the wedding.

Poise and intelligence, my arse. Selfish, egocentric, unkind, unthinking, inconsiderate and immature, more like.

@Ellyess you can make this issue as logical and dispassionate as you like - it still doesn't make it right. Doesn't change the fact OP and her partner are in serious danger of permanently wrecking their relationship with his children. And the many dozen of posters on this thread are testament to this.

I think the only way she could do that is if she doesn't really care though

why? we don't all bow down to strangers on the internet who think they know better, nor should we.

I do think this thread is verging on bullying to be honest.

@Bonjourfreddie why would OP bother posting then if she didn't have doubts or that it would be controversial?