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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never see the baby?

183 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 08:22

This might sound odd, but my next door neighbours had a baby last year - he would be nearly one.

I can hear him crying and I occasionally see the neighbours carrying a baby carrier to the car, but I have never seen them leave the house pushing a pram and all through the summer they were never in the garden with him that I saw.

I chat to them occasionally and understand he is doing well, starting to walk. I know there could be health problems they don’t want to mention - but it’s odd to never see him at all.

We live in new builds with smallish gardens - I garden a lot, and we have been sitting out a lot in the summer. My daughter plays in the garden. We are very quiet, so we aren’t driving them inside. Neither my daughter, boyfriend or I have ever seen them even carrying the baby outside.

None of my business I know - but given the amazing weather we have had all summer it just seems a bit strange.

OP posts:
twolobsters · 21/08/2019 16:25

You sound like my neighbour.

I had PGP in pregnancy and was huge, I would huff and hobble up and down my street every day feeling ridiculously conspicuous.

Week after DD is born and various visitors are coming and going with balloons and baby paraphernalia... She accosts one of them and in an accusatory tone said 'but I didn't even know she was pregnant!' Hmm

They almost certainly keep different hours to you. I prefer to go in the garden when my neighbours aren't out there.

I go back and forth with the baby twice a day minimum, often more ... I've not bumped into all of my neighbours yet, but I have had pleasant chats about the baby. I wonder if they think the same thing

Curlyeyelash · 21/08/2019 16:47

I moved 200+ miles to the north to live with my partner during my pregnancy with our daughter. Now we have our own home I rarely go out as my partner works 10 am to 9pm and I don't know the area very well.

I also have always suffered with social anxiety and being at home makes me happy/content with baby (she has just turned 1). I sometimes take her out if the weather is nice for short periods in her pram.

I understand you may be concerned OP and that is a good thing if coming from a genuine place. I guess stay aware but also don't assume the worst? Mum in question could have a plethora of reasons and still be a good loving mum.

Userzzzzz · 21/08/2019 17:05

Depends on the garden. We’ve got no shade. My toddler is out all the time but I’ve been keeping the baby in on the days my daughter is in nursery. The baby hates the heat, gets really flustered and has only recently lengthened her awake time so we have some time to play rather than constantly sleeping and feeding. I’m sure next summer we’ll be out a lot more with both children.

AllieDidNotDeserveBea · 21/08/2019 18:00

By the same token, if you lived next door to an older person and suddenly realised you hadn't seen them for ages, would you think oh well, or go round and see if they're OK?

I would hope people would - sure, he could be on holiday, but he could also have broken his leg and be nowhere near a phone, no family to notice they are "missing", dying slowly. I'd rather check the missing neighbour was OK and be told to fuck off than not bother and find out he was suffering.

PuffHuffle5 · 21/08/2019 18:11

By the same token, if you lived next door to an older person and suddenly realised you hadn't seen them for ages, would you think oh well, or go round and see if they're OK?

That’s a completely different scenario - OP has heard the baby crying from next door and seen it being carried in a car seat. If no one had ever heard the baby making noise or if the parents were seen leaving the house and driving off without it all the time, that may be suspicious and a cause for concern. But it’s literally just a case of they don’t go walking in the pram from home and don’t want to sit in the garden - being concerned about that is bonkers.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 19:00

Wasn’t going to post again because it got quite nasty. But thought I’d clear up a couple of points.

To start with totally accept I was unreasonable. And probably nosey. I am not cruella devile, but I am also not a perfect person😊. So hands up got it wrong.

Context is we see neighbours a lot. They are outside, she sits in the garden, he cuts the grass etc. I have never actually seen a baby. He would be just over a year now. I remember because I got him the same baby present as I got a colleague. I hope I’m not an intrusive neighbour, I passed the gift over to the dad in the driveway, would never expect to be invited in etc.

In answer to some comments, I would never dream of asking them if their baby had been taken into care. (Thought hadn’t crossed my mind) or where it is. Nor would I contact social services.

My daughter just asked if there really was a baby next door, my boyfriend make some jokes and it struck me as odd that in around a year none of us had ever actually seen a baby.

We have a shared driveway and open plan front gardens. We aren’t close, but we take each other’s bins in and out, and drop round parcels etc. I say hello etc to each of them in the driveway at least once a week. We know each other’s routines, she recently challenged a friend of mine who parked his van in my drive (I have no issue with her doing this). The way the houses are you can’t help but see all the comings and goings.

Anyway I totally accept what everyone has said, and take your comments that it’s not odd,

OP posts:
IgnoranceIsStrength · 21/08/2019 19:09

Well actually I think it is a bit odd. We had a NDN like that. It got to the point that we had lived there 3 years and still not seen the DC outside in the whole 3 years. She was not a friendly neighbour but I knocked and asked if all ok as could often here child screaming at night. It was clear from seeing into house that child was neglected and not cared for. I ended up reporting to SS and they intervened by getting child into nursery nearby and providing better support for the mum. I was a bit nosey neighbour but bloody glad I was

SoyDora · 21/08/2019 19:12

I bumped into the neighbours whose garden backs on to ours recently with my 7 month old, and she said ‘oh my god I didn’t realise you had a third baby!’. We’re often in the garden (their garden overlooks ours so we’re easily visible from their house) but I guess they just don’t pay much attention, or we’re in the garden mainly when they’re not home. I’ve spoken to them over the fence quite a few times since he was born!

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 20:00

Also i didn’t mean to be so obsessed with the garden (didn’t expect a toddler to be sunbathing for eight hours a day😊), I just meant I would have expect to have bumped into the baby outside in the better weather. Last summer he was a newborn, so i understand not seeing him then.

I’m not obsessively watching or judging the neighbours. I had a long train journey this morning, was reflecting on a family chat and posted. Whata mistaka to maka😂😂

OP posts:
LiveInAHidingPlace · 21/08/2019 22:39

Maybe they're avoiding you because you come across as nosy?

I'd find it odd if someone gave me a present when they barely know me.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 22:46

Really, you wouldn’t give your next door neighbour a baby present?

they send me a Christmas card every year, but I can’t be bothered doing cards so never reciprocate. maybe I should report them for stalking😂

I really can’t win here.

OP posts:
cees · 21/08/2019 22:58

YANBU, I'd rather be called nosy then ignore a situation where a child may be being abused or neglected. None of us know what's going on behind closed doors, countless children are living in abusive households. To question and be aware are not something I'd berate the op for. If people had stopped Jon venables and Robert Thompson instead of assuming and believing those boys then Jamie might have been saved. Always question and speak up if things dont add up. I'd rather be wrong and sleep with a clear conscience than something bad happens and I have to live with the knowledge I did nothing.

PumpkinP · 21/08/2019 22:58

None of my neighbours gave me a present when I had dd, or any of my other children for that matter. I think it’s abit odd if you’re not friends.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 23:04

It’s quite common where I am from. When I had my daughter several neighbours dropped in small gifts.

I know my sister received baby gifts from neighbours, and also has given them.

They told me she was pregnant and the dad stopped me in the driveway to tell me the baby had been born. (Plus quite a lot of medical information about the birth, I think he may have been sleep deprived - it’s the most I have ever heard him speak!). I would have felt rude not to acknowledge the baby with s card and small gift. It wasn’t a rocking horse or anything.

OP posts:
FairyDust92 · 21/08/2019 23:05

Some quite mean comments on here.
I see where the OP is coming from. I'm not a curtain twitcher but you are aware of your surroundings. You notice things around your area subconsciously. Agree with PP about the elderly comment.

Pollywollydolly · 21/08/2019 23:05

My DD has very fair skin so I was fanatical about keeping her out of the sun. The summer she turned one we didn't even go to the beach once. They could be worried about something simple like sunburn.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 23:15

Totally get that polly. We are a factor 50 family - I even had one of those uv tent things over the paddling pool.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 21/08/2019 23:27

When I had my baby I was living in N.I all my immediate neighbours ( 5 houses ) bought him presents

To be fair this mn but in real life most people would at least wonder why they hadn’t seen the baby at all,

BustaBlue · 21/08/2019 23:31

OP: ‘AIBU?’
Many Mumsnetters; ‘yes you are (plus nasty insulting comments and name calling)
OP; ‘okay, totally take it all on board IWBU’ (In a friendly, accepting manner)
And yet the insults continue.....

Let it go folks. She asked, you answered. Leave her be!

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 23:52

Thanks bustablue.

I have found the level of vitriol quite surprising. I have tried to explain where I was coming from, and admit my own character flaws (I can be a bit nosey, and do like a chat). But I really didn’t think wondering about this baby made me such a truly dreadful person.

I should know by now that mumsnet can be vicious!

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 21/08/2019 23:54

Tbf I live in London so none of my neighbours even say hello to me let alone presents 😂

timeisnotaline · 21/08/2019 23:57

I think it’s reasonable to wonder! I’d wonder a lot tbh, and be a bit concerned.

stanski · 22/08/2019 00:01

I'd wonder same as you OP. It's a long time to never have seen a child next door.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 22/08/2019 00:35

OP I wouldn't give anyone I barely know a present, no.

But I live in a city so I don't think it's that unusual. But even when I lived in a small town, it certainly wasn't expected.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 22/08/2019 00:49

I think we probably live in very different places where etiquette differs, and we are clearly very different people who behave differently in social settings.

I don’t think you are bad person for not buying baby gifts for a neighbour , but I also don't think I am a bad person for sending a gift and a card.

I’m not really sure why I am continuing to explain myself. I was unreasonable to wonder about the baby, accepted that about four posts into this thread, yet I’m still stung by the attacks and trying to explain.

But the more I explain the more I am attacked😊. But I will continue to buy baby gifts. Perhaps with renewed enthusiasm just to piss off mumsnetters😂

OP posts:
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