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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never see the baby?

183 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 08:22

This might sound odd, but my next door neighbours had a baby last year - he would be nearly one.

I can hear him crying and I occasionally see the neighbours carrying a baby carrier to the car, but I have never seen them leave the house pushing a pram and all through the summer they were never in the garden with him that I saw.

I chat to them occasionally and understand he is doing well, starting to walk. I know there could be health problems they don’t want to mention - but it’s odd to never see him at all.

We live in new builds with smallish gardens - I garden a lot, and we have been sitting out a lot in the summer. My daughter plays in the garden. We are very quiet, so we aren’t driving them inside. Neither my daughter, boyfriend or I have ever seen them even carrying the baby outside.

None of my business I know - but given the amazing weather we have had all summer it just seems a bit strange.

OP posts:
AllieDidNotDeserveBea · 21/08/2019 12:04

And of course you can garden with a no -walking baby

PumpkinP · 21/08/2019 12:05

Do you realise how ridiculous that phone call would sound ? “Hello, I’m calling to report my neighbour because I never see her child in the garden” luckily I don’t think ss would even take that seriously! Lots of people rarely see their neighbours as not everyone is best friends with their neighbours and live in each other’s pockets! Maybe they spend a lot of time at family and friends houses? I know when I lived in my old flat I spend most of my time when mine were little at my mums house as I hated my flat and had the neighbours from hell so they probably barely seen me. Do people really call ss on their neighbours because they don’t see them much?

Teddybear45 · 21/08/2019 12:05

Yes, provided you are at home all day, not seeing a neighbour’s baby for a year sounds really odd. I would definitely contact social services but perhaps it’s because I know kids who have gotten rickets because their parents never took them out. There’s also the matter that in some cultures having a disabled child is considered shameful and so these kids often don’t go anywhere unless it’s to close family.

Itssosunnyout · 21/08/2019 12:07

We didn't go out in the garden much this summer due to the heat wave.

Personally I think you're being unreasonable.

PuffHuffle5 · 21/08/2019 12:09

when it comes to reporting people to SS people are all for it, but when a poster shows concern about a possible issue she’s ‘weird’ and gets told to mind her own business

OP isn’t showing concern, OP is being judgemental and basking in her own superiority at spending lots of time outside with DC compared to them - I think there’s quite a difference.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 21/08/2019 12:11

OP isn’t showing concern, OP is being judgemental and basking in her own superiority at spending lots of time outside with DC compared to them - I think there’s quite a difference.

That might be how you read the op's post, @PuffHuffle. I didn't read it like that.

EmilyStar · 21/08/2019 12:12

It may just be that most of the places they take baby are places that they drive to.
Or their schedules are different to yours so that you’re out when they take baby out in the pushchair.
And maybe they’re not out in the garden because they’re worried about baby getting sunburnt.

Or maybe you’re not as observant as you think.... like one neighbour we had when DC2 was a baby.

We had a tandem pushchair when DC2 was a baby. One that looked a bit like just a single toddler pushchair if you didn’t look closely.
I went out and about with the pair of them in this pushchair often.
One day, when I was returning home, neighbour came out and stopped me. Asked me where was my baby? They keep seeing me going out without baby, who’s looking after him? Of course I showed my neighbour DC2 lying in the pushchair, they looked relieved and embarrassed and that was that.
I suppose I should be grateful that they asked me about it rather than just calling SS as one PP suggested.

Thatagain · 21/08/2019 12:16

I had a premature baby at 29 week's and no one apart from his siblings and dad seen him until he was about 2year's old. With hospital appointment ect issues like I did not know if he was going to be disabled. He's so healthy and not any issues with him. So I can see that some people don't want anyone knowing there business. I was alway's nursing him like every 3 hour's. Enyone who has had a premature baby knows what I am talking about. You don't feel like going out and you don't want people commenting on the tiny baby. So maybe you will see the toddler as tbf it's your neighbours baby.

PumpkinP · 21/08/2019 12:16

Three pp have suggested calling SS now. I had a similar pram EmilyStar it was a phil and teds and the baby was hidden away at the back, I actually got a new one after a few weeks as I didn’t like the way the baby was hidden away, luckily I did before anyone called social services.

GeePipe · 21/08/2019 12:17

Op its not odd at all to wonder about these things. In fact this is the sort of thing people question neighbours about when no one notices a corpse sat in a house for 3 years. "But why did the neighbours never notice dennis had vanished from the face of the earth?"

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 12:17

What heat wave? Envy

tenmum · 21/08/2019 12:18

My neighbour said this to my partner as he was leaving the house the other day... little did he know we've been in hospital since June with our one year old .

Mind your own bloody business and focus on your family

Livingoncake · 21/08/2019 12:18

I’m Australian, and when I lived in the UK I used to panic when people insisted on sitting in the sunshine if I didn’t have a hat and sunscreen to hand. I swear I could feel the UV rays damaging my skin. OK, I’m being dramatic, but my point is, just because there is sunshine, doesn’t mean everyone is going to enjoy it.

To the poster who suggested calling SS - that’s just plain cruel. Not to mention twattish.

AllieDidNotDeserveBea · 21/08/2019 12:22

things. In fact this is the sort of thing people question neighbours about when no one notices a corpse sat in a house for 3 years. "But why did the neighbours never notice dennis had vanished from the face of the earth?"

True

HostofDaffodils · 21/08/2019 12:23

I think it's normal to feel concern about invisible neighbours. The woman who had a next door has sort-of disappeared because of ill health - she had a major stroke. Every few weeks ago I'll ask her adult son - who lives there - how she is getting on, and he's said that he appreciates my asking after her.

Many years back we had some problems - loads of noise when the son was a teenager where we had to involve Environmental Health in the end. But that doesn't mean we don't care or have to now 'keep ourselves to ourselves', 'mind our own business' etc...

PuffHuffle5 · 21/08/2019 12:27

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting Maybe read again. OP has described how her boyfriend is joking/theorising that the neighbours have a recording playing the sounds of a baby crying for them to hear through the wall because they’re actually just pretending to have one - and that they’re presumably just lugging an empty car seat to the car for show - that doesn’t sound like a concerned neighbour to me, just a mean and judgmental pair of gossips with a bad taste in humour.

IncrediblySadToo · 21/08/2019 12:29

Yes,I’d think it odd if I’d never seen my neighbours baby in a year. As you say, not even one of them walking the baby around the garden looking at the trees/flowers/neighbours. It just seems like such a natural thing to do with a baby - something different to look at & letting them see the world around them. Something more interesting than the inside of various houses/buildings. And I walk a lot so it does seem odd to me, not to see them in & out with the buggy.

If the baby is nearly one though, it’s probably been at prime ‘pain in the arse in the garden’ age over the summer. The moving but not walking age is a bit like hard work in the garden

You might have wished for your neighbours instead of me though as I’d have used it as a bloody good excuse to do whale impressions in the paddling pool!!

However one of my best friends barely used her garden either / when they moved to this house they spent a lot of time sorting the garden out- making it their idea of nice and bought some very comfortable expensive garden furniture, but they never go out there they sit inside on lovely days with all the curtains drawn - supposedly keeping the house cool (it really doesn’t, it’s just a gloomy hot box) and complaining it’s too hot, every other day it’s too cold/wet/windy/sunny. Always some excuse. I don’t understand it, I’d have the lovely patio doors open enjoying it 🤷🏻‍♀️

But obviously others in here prefer to be inside too, so only a few of us finding it odd 🤷🏻‍♀️

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/08/2019 12:32

The thing is, you can never really win. We have our baby (/toddler now) outside all the time, and we used to take him outside when he cried as a newborn (it worked to stop him crying surprisingly often), but thanks to MN I do worry that we're driving the neighbours mad with the paddling pool/ toddler squeals/ 'NOT IN YOUR MOUTH!', as usually the MN consensus seems to be that any non-silent use of your garden is deeply antisocial!

dollydaydream114 · 21/08/2019 12:37

So, do you literally sit there staring at their front door all day, every day waiting to see if they come out with a pram? Don't be ridiculous. Just because you don't often see them go for walks with the baby doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Or maybe they prefer to go for trips out to places in the car instead. Either way it's absolutely none of your business. This nosiness dressed up as concern does my head in.

As for sitting out in the garden, firstly, where on earth are you that you've had 'amazing weather' all summer? It's rained every day for weeks where I live. Secondly, not everyone likes sitting outside, with or without a baby. I like sitting in my garden (albeit rarely in the sun) but my partner would never choose to do it.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 21/08/2019 12:40

Do we have the same neighbour? A couple had a baby around the same time we had ours and I have never seen them at anything - baby weigh clinic, playgroup, any class, softplay, the park. I assume we must be on different schedules!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/08/2019 12:40

And of course you can garden with a no -walking baby

I have a genuine question here to the many people who equate 'not walking' with 'stationary' - did your DC not crawl? Or did they not do it much? I sometimes wonder if my DS is unusual in how much and how fast he crawls - I have noticed that some friends' babies will crawl only to get stuff they really want, whereas DS is literally never still and crawls up and down up and down the same room without pause. He also climbs the stairs, shelves, onto chairs and tables, etc. I just find it so weird to equate 'not walking' with 'stays where you put them', but lots of people do!

In fact, he's just started walking and so far it's great because it really slows him down and it's taken his attention from climbing - admittedly I'm assuming that this will be a short-lived phase as his little waddle gets faster!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/08/2019 12:42

A couple had a baby around the same time we had ours and I have never seen them at anything - baby weigh clinic, playgroup, any class, softplay, the park.

When I was on mat leave I noticed that I would see the same group of maybe 30 or so mothers everywhere - all the classes I tried, baby weight, baby groups, etc. It made me realise how many people must just not do this stuff (and fair play to them - looking back a lot of it was a waste of time!), because I only ever saw a tiny proportion of all the people in the area who would have had babies that age.

Witchend · 21/08/2019 12:43

Dd1 and ds you could take into the garden at non walking stage. They'd stay on the blanket (didn't like the feel of the bare ground) Dd2 would have been off the blanket and into the nearest thing she could see that you didn't want her touching.
Hence I very rarely sat out in the garden with dd2. It was not relaxing.

PumpkinP · 21/08/2019 12:44

I never took my baby to playgroups or to get weighed. We do go to the park but I never see my neighbours there. Play groups and baby clinics aren’t compulsory

LiveInAHidingPlace · 21/08/2019 12:46

I'm so baffled that anyone would even begin to notice this.

My idea of hell. The twitchy curtained neighbour keeping tabs.