Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

I’ve one friend who I will only make plans with if it’s something I will be doing anyway, she’s always at leat 30 minutes late with flimsy excuses.

Once she arranged a meal out with me and 4 others, she picked the date, the time and the restaurant, which was much more expensive than we would have usually gone for, but she raved about how amazing it was and then as I walked through the door of the restaurant at the arranged time I got a text saying she wasn’t coming as she’d been working away all day and had to spend some time with her DH that evening, my other friend had to stop me texting back ‘are you for fucking real!?’

You did the right thing this morning OP. The more those who are persistently late have to face consequences the less likely that they are to be.

I'm not one of those obsessed with lateness people, and I do not think it means that she thinks her time is more important.

However to do that consistently would really get on my nerves. I would have a chat with her.

even if I’m late she’ll be later

How does she manage this? Is she watching you, waiting til you turn up and hanging about a bit.

YANBU
My ex DP was like this- turning up to theatre, film etc on time but keeping me hanging on when coming round for meals etc etc. DP stated that I should be glad he eventually turned up... after 7 years of this (don't ask!), a slight improvement- only 30 mins or so late... finally this along with many other things, has lead to him being ex DP!
Common thread is that it's selfish and arrogant not to mention disrespectful of other person's time to turn up more than 5-10mins late- it's insulting, frankly!

My best friend and I are both fairly casual about time but only when it doesn't matter. IE when we are meeting a one or other's home, or at the very least meeting in cars.
One day, we were meeting a 3rd friend. This friend was not in a car or in a house or even building, we were meeting her in a public place. ... We both (automatically) turned up early because neither of us wanted her to be waiting alone.

Meeting in a pub - on time
Meeting in a car park - both in cars - within 5 minutes
Meeting at the other's house - within half an hour(ish)
Leaving someone standing when we are in a car - EARLY

Not unreasonable. No respect constantly turning up so late. Ten mins reasonable to hang about otherwise get on with what was planned without her.

firesong "I'm not one of those obsessed with lateness people, and I do not think it means that she thinks her time is more important.

However to do that consistently would really get on my nerves. I would have a chat with her."

I'm curious as to why you'd be annoyed and what you'd say then? If you don't think it means your time is worth less, why would you get annoyed? Why not just wait and wait, happy as larry?

Didn't explain it very well Some people saying they get really pissed off with even occasional lateness, or someone being five minutes late. I'm relaxed with those, but wouldn't want to wait around for ages. Especially when out with the kids.

I wouldn't go on to ignore her or refuse to be friends anymore, though. I'd have a chat and just tell her I won't be waiting about anymore.

I have a friend like this. Even with texting it's a week after you've sent the original text. She runs her own business so she thinks that makes it ok. She will take a phone call just as she's on her way to meet you and then be on the phone for 1 hour.
Making plans are always on her terms too. Or she'll invite you over for a coffee and then you find out she's leaving in 30 mins so you have to throw the coffee down your throat and rush.

I have a friend with young kids like that and now I get her to tell me when she's leaving so we can arrive at the same time (if the time doesn't matter to me). It takes the pressure off both of us.

Kids are bored after 45 mins anyway. They'll be over it totally

Once she arranged a meal out with me and 4 others, she picked the date, the time and the restaurant, which was much more expensive than we would have usually gone for, but she raved about how amazing it was and then as I walked through the door of the restaurant at the arranged time I got a text saying she wasn’t coming as she’d been working away all day and had to spend some time with her DH that evening, my other friend had to stop me texting back ‘are you for fucking real!?’

^^

Would not have the patience for that malarkey

Hate lateness. 10 minutes, maybe 15, any longer and I'll do my own thing. One of my friends is always late! We both have kids, I have a baby though and she doesn't, so would think I'd be late! She often leave me waiting in a car park with my small baby for 30 mins 🙄. I've started to leave now and text saying sorry baby getting really annoyed now gonna have to go!

I really don't like lateness!

I hate lateness. It just shows a complete lack of respect for anyone.
I wouldn't be going out with them again.

Unfortunately I think my DD has the potential to be like this. She doesn't have any concept of how quickly time is passing as she is getting ready. She really finds it difficult to work backwards to figure out how long she needs to get ready if she is meeting someone at a certain time. I'm trying my best to train her but it stresses me out as I am someone who is early and sitting there nursing a coffee.

She really finds it difficult to work backwards to figure out how long she needs to get ready if she is meeting someone at a certain time

the real world of jobs and suchlike is going to be quite the shock to her then

I know! Its a worry, although she's only 12 at the moment so I've still got time to work on her! She's a clever, sensible girl in the majority of ways but her appreciation of time and how it passes seems to pass her by. For example, she will start brushing her hair at 8am, slowly and laboriously, stopping periodically for a little daydream, and will be genuinely surprised that it's 8:15 by the time she's finished. She really thinks its only taken her a couple of minutes.

In that case she needs to set a stop clock for each activity and write down how long it takes her. Then add them all up to find the total for eg getting ready for school.

There’s nothing wrong in her taking 15 mins to brush her hair, she just needs to factor that into her plans.

I have someone like this, always late often by 30 minutes or more. Most recently arrived 30 mins late at my house for dinner knowing the original time was set to suit her and was later than my kids would usually eat. By the time she arrived my kids were over hungry, over excited and over tired. She arrived with no excuse but did have a takeaway coffee in hand. Then wondered why I was pissed off with her.

It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, where we’re going, how we’re getting there or who’s involved she’ll be significantly late. She was even 2 hours late to a party having offered to help me set things up beforehand. When you challenge her she’ll point out the time 4 years ago I was 5 minutes late to her house under an umbrella of “everyone is late sometimes”. I’ve just stopped seeing her unless it’s a family event or occasion because I can’t stand her lateness.

She often leave me waiting in a car park with my small baby for 30 minutes

If you do continue meeting up with her, arrange for somewhere that you can wait comfortably. I posted upthread about a friend who, if we were meeting for lunch, would suggest meeting on a street corner. No. That would mean me standing like a plank on a street corner when I could be sitting inside having a coffee, knowing she would always be late.
We used to meet for days out. I learned to tell her that I would potter in a bookshop and to text me when she (eventually) arrived.
We don't meet up anymore.

You would consider ending a friendship without even talking to her? At least bring it up and be honest. People can't change something unless you give them a chance. Give her a chance

By the time she arrived my kids were over hungry, over excited and over tired. She arrived with no excuse but did have a takeaway coffee in hand. Then wondered why I was pissed off with her.

I would have fed the kids, and maybe delay dessert or something that they could eat while she was having her main course, if they were looking forward to eating with her.

Speaking of takeaway coffees, I attended a course recently, just a half day session. Three people strolled in about twenty minutes late, complete with takeaway coffees. Aargh.

I had fed them a late snack because I knew dinner was later - she was bringing dinner with her (because it would be easier than all of us going to her 🤦‍♀️) but yes with hindsight I should have just kept their routine and let her take the uneaten food home with her.

I know someone just like this. She always texts me towards the time we are supposed to be meeting to say she is just leaving. My kids get fed up waiting, but they like her children so I don't know how to change it really. I can't discuss it with her as she is defensive and snippy. I'm getting pretty fed up with her too to be honest.