Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

I'm always compulsively early - I spend a lot of time sitting in my car/coffee shops etc so that I'm not late.

However - I recognise that most other people aren't like me, and I just accept that 99% of the people I meet are late. I think it's rude, but it's just how people are - but I do think there is a limit, and I'd also have left after 45 minutes, particularly if it was the other person that suggested the time in the 1st place!

YANBU

yes, it's really rude and I cba either.

there were two people I was friends with - one was at risk of losing her job due to chronic lateness, so it wasn't just me but it was still incredibly annoying hanging around waiting at least an hour.

with another friend, she had a similar situation re trains and always missed the one she aimed for, so rather than just hang around, one day I assumed she'd be on the later one.

of course, that day she turned up on time and was furious that I was late. She said "you're never late!! It's different! Supposing I had missed the train, you could have looked in shops or something while you waited for me!" So I said, "um, you could have looked in shops instead of being angry like you are now - I've turned up late once in our friendship and you're furious?" That made her calm down a bit.

but the next time we met, she changed our plans for something specific she wanted to attend, in a part of town I don't know. No problem, she suggested it, I agreed to it.

went to meet her at the usual meeting station and she looked at me expectantly and said "well? How do we walk to this event, what's the quickest route?" I said "hang on - you wanted to go. I don't even have the exact address".

She started saying "oh, but I just assumed you'd look it up, you always do the organising bit..." and I said "For something you wanted to attend and you changed our plans last minute?"

so she had to figure it out. After that I didn't see her. It just seemed like she'd latched on to me as a parent figure or something.

YANBU at all.

She clearly thinks her time, and by extension herself, is more important than your/you.

The fact that she is not full of apologies and is irritated that your world doesn’t revolve around yours shows this.

There will be people who who will talk about hidden disabilities etc which is fine.

I also have v close family members and friends with those same hidden disabilities and have developed tactics and strategies to compensate.

I used to know someone like this, once she kept me waiting for two hours (I had to wait she had something vital of mine that I needed). I was on night shift and had got up early to meet her, which she knew. I also had important errands to run, which she knew.

She was totally surprised I was cross and came out with “but I had stuff to do!”.

Anyway, she was never not late for anything and always made sure I knew the petty reasons why - Oh I had to go the charity shop, I couldn’t leave until I’d rearranged the cutlery draw etc. She clearly wanted to demean me.

I tried different tactics by saying to her to text me when she got there and I’d meet her . We live in a v small town and I live no more than 10 mins from anywhere!

Anyway, came to a head one day when for some bizarre reason she thought we had arranged to meet up. We hadn’t.

First I knew if it was when she texted me to say she was running late.

I knew I wanted to fade her out for a number I other reasons (she had me running around after her like I was her personal handmaiden) so thought I’d play her at her own game.

I arrived 30 mins after she said she’d be there.

She. Was. Fuming.

Told me all I needed to know, and I never saw her again.

YANBU at all. Really pisses me off. I have wasted what feels like years of my life over reaction waiting around for people like this.

Message her and tell her how her tardiness makes you feel and give her one last chance to meet...on time... if she does then great, she values you and your friendship. If she is exceptionally late again..i.e not the 10mins buffer... then ditch her with the peace of mind that you gave her a chance

I think you did right. Keep doing it. If you make arrangements tell her you'll be there on time but won't be keeping your kids hanging around for long -. if she's late you'll have carried on. She'll either step up and be on time or the friendship will wither, both of which are better than the current situation where you're being treated badly.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

Well, there's your answer. She just has no respect for you. Fuck her off.

I had a friend like this. She was constantly late or wouldn't turn up at all with a lame excuse after the event.
She was never ever on time, up to an hour late. Or she would arrive and say she had to leave in an hour when I had made food etc.
Once she offered to take me out for lunch on my birthday. I got all ready and was sat there. I called her in the end and got "ah sorry I'm at my sister's"
Another time she offered to take my daughter out and then never turned up, my daughter was really upset. That was the last straw for me. After that I never agreed to meet again and said we were busy until she got the message.
Aside to that she was a nice person but I can't handle flakey people.

My closest friend is like this but for everything. She has a lot going on thou and is like a sister to me so I don't stress over it.

Anyone else in this scenario would not be getting further plans arranged with them. Your friend has obviously thought after swimming that something else was more important than being on time for you. She doesn't respect you so I'd cut her loose.

I was involved in a business sense with someone like this. Eventually I realised it was a way of puffing up her importance. When you turn up late, everyone is waiting around with their thoughts focused on you, then you sweep in to a chorus of 'where were you?"s. It shows where the people waiting rank.

You're not important, you're a bit player in the film of her life.

I couldn't be friends with someone like that either. She doesn't care enough about you to be on time.

@RosaWaiting ‘parent figure’ I think sums it up. Yes to the deciding where/ how we get there etc.

YANBU at all, it is rude and rather arrogant expecting you to always wait around.

YANBU. I would be really pissed off with this.

Don't wait around for her - she's already told you she doesn't consider your time to be important.

I don't think you should compare like to like, she has 2 dc and you have 4 doesn't mean she has less struggles. Saying that I think this is not just being disorganised but being rude. She seems to be leaving after the time she is due to meet you, so really has no intention of being on time.
I think we all have a friend like that, which sometimes we give more leeway as they do bring a lot to the table.
Can I suggest maybe asking another friend to come ( one whose time keeping is a bit better), and then if she comes late it wont spoil your day as much and she will have to catch up with you.

I think it’s a power and control thing, or at least it was in my situation.

Eg. She had a habit of ringing me in the morning when she knew I was working nights.

One day I asked her specifically not to do this.

Next morning, same call.

She was not going to be told, least of all by a minion like me, what to do.

I wouldn’t meet up, full stop.
I am always on time - I factor in extra time and if I am slightly late (traffic jam etc) it’s only 5 mins and I will text once out the car to say I’m coming. I waited 15 mins for a friend in a restaurant recently - not that long but long enough when you’re on your own.
I think lateness equals rudeness esp if you’re meeting someone one to one. Even when DCs were younger I managed it somehow!

Do you text her after 10 minutes? I would love to hear mumble an excuse. Then you could just say “ oh don’t rush, kids are fed up”. Every time.

YANBU at all. She doesn't care about keeping you waiting. Very rude.

YANBU. I hate lateness it's simply rude. It's an unconscious signal that the late person doesn't value you. I don't put up with it any more, people meet me on time or not at all.

I’m a another who hates lateness it's a total lack of respect, especially when she’s can turn up to paid activities on time.

I had (note the word had) who was always late we used to meet up closer to her to give her more time but she was always late, I’d be at the place and she’d exit saying running late won’t be long and eventually I go to pissed off with it and when she tried to make arrangements I told her I was busy,

Very rude.
Just stop arranging to meet up with her.
Her time is more valuable than your time (she thinks) so it doesn't matter if you are hanging around somewhere waiting because it's not like you had anything better to do than her.
I have an ex friend like this. I started just leaving if she wasn't there within 15 minutes of the arranged time and gradually the friendship just fizzled out.

YANBU and she's very rude, but I'm amazed she suggested 9 am if swimming was at 8.15! Surely it would be at least a 30 minute session which would give her only 15 minutes to get kids dried, dressed and walk to meet you - let's be honest, that was never going to happen.

These threads usually end up with persistently late people turning up to say that everyone is being mean and they can't help their lateness because their brains process things in a different way to other people, they get distracted, and we should all be more understanding. Yaddah yaddah.

I can appreciate that this may to some extent be true for some people. But the very fact that they are articulating their problems and are aware of their brain processing issues shows that they know exactly what they're doing and they aren't willing to adjust behaviour accordingly, ie. if you know you always turn up to things 30 minutes late, try setting an alarm and making a proper effort to get ready 30 minutes earlier.

I had a friend who spent about 20 years mucking me about, leaving me standing around like a lemon waiting for her, getting worried, wasting my efforts to cook a meal for her etc. And her excuses would be lame stuff like "sorry, I was talking to my brother and lost track of the time."

Grrr. Sorry persistently late people. I'll be more understanding of you when you can be more understanding that some of us can't stand people being late.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning

Think this tells you all you need to know about what she thinks about you.

Adult stepson like this. Of course DH will wait and wait as he wants to see him and dgcs but weekends flash before our eyes whilst we wait in for the royal visit (eta 11am turn up at 1 or 2pm). Have tried and tried to get dh to text after an hour saying we're going out will meet you there or leave it for today. Does my head in and of course l 'just don't want his family to visit' if l complain too much. We ve ended up dishing our meal up which we intended to eat hours later after they'd left and then they turn up, interrupt it.