Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

I can sometimes be one of those people who struggles to get us into gear to get somewhere on time. I also have anxiety issues around leaving the house which I manage pretty well, but they contribute. However, if I make plans, I try hard not to be late and I manage it. If I'm not going to be able to do it (because I'm struggling or kid is really not up for it when the time comes) I cancel. I only do this if there are multiple families meeting so nobody is stranded alone. I guess my point is, there are reasons this stuff happens but self awareness is key. I will say that if I don't regularly make us go out, it gets harder to do. I don't know whether any of this applies to your DS, it took me a while to figure it out for myself.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly If you think 5-10 mins is fine, she probably thinks 40-45 mins is just as fine.

But 10 minutes is fine.We can all get delayed.But this friend is contstantly late.Thats not on.

The persistently late always try to portray themselves as "ditsy" or "charmingly disorganised". They are not. And, as PuppyMonkey observes, if people are aware of their lateness, then they can take steps to be on time, especially if the person they are meeting is a valued friend.

Dh got very cross with bil as they had arranged to take out 90-year-old fil for lunch. Dh was sitting there with fil for one hour and then bil calls to say he is running late and is just setting off. So another hour to wait. When he turned up dh was fuming and bil got annoyed with dh saying that being late is just him and dh should chill. Dh was certainly not in a chilled state of mind trying to entertain his very doddery and somewhat confused father for two hours.

I abhor lateness aswell. Disrespectful. Text after 10 minutes. I probably would leave eventually.
Let the friendship gradually go.

tldr, sorry.

But, lateness with no reason or apology is simply rude and disrespectful. I give everyone a warning. After that, I don't wait. At all.

And, before you ask, I have never been late without good reason, and letting the other party know. Not once.

No. Stop asking.

I wouldn't wait. She has no respect ofr your or your time, and it's clearly not a one off.

A very wise (awesome) man once taught me that lateness is a form of selfishness. It says "what I'm doing right now is more important than you or your time". And once he put it like that, it made total sense. She's selfish, and YANBU to be mad.

I have a 10 minute rule. I won't wait for friends or family any longer than that. Everyone knows and it works fine. I am never late (normally 15 mins early sitting round the corner so as not to look like a nutter!)

@dustarr73 "But 10 minutes is fine.We can all get delayed.But this friend is contstantly late.Thats not on."

OP originally made it sound like she was routinely 10mins late, but that that was acceptable. My point was that it was just a different line in the sand.

Of course unforeseen, occasional lateness can't always be avoided (although I can't recall the last time I was anything but early! ).

I was saying that someone who is chronically late can't complain about someone else being chronically late!

YANBU.

I had a friend like this - if we were going to the cinema we’d miss the beginning of the film because she’d not have finished getting ready on time. If we went out for a meal we’d find our reservation had been let go because we were too late. If we were on holiday, we’d all agree to go out at, say, 8pm and at about 7.45 she’d suddenly announce that she wanted a shower before we went out. So we’d all sit around kicking our heels for a good three quarters of an hour having had to beg the restaurant to move our booking time. Again.

You will note the use of the past tense when referring to our friendship.

I feel your irritation OP. My DP is frequently late and has no excuse. The DC have started saying "Can YOU pick me up mum? Dad's always late"
He has the attitude - they'll be fine, a few minutes won't hurt. Whereas I'm thinking - it's raining, it's late, they're tired etc.
My dsis will frequently arrange to come to our house, say, at 1pm. She will often call me at 12.30 to say she's just left (90 min journey) because of some issue with the H, the builders, the dogs, her DS etc.
We just eye-roll and find something to do. She's never late if we're meeting outside the home.

I have a work colleague who is new to our team - I quickly learnt not to travel to meetings or events with her. We work in a large building with a 3 storey car park. We are also in the centre of a busy town so you need to factor in an extra 15 minutes to get out of the building, get to your car and get out of town when you are going anyewhere. We also mostly go to places where it's hard to park and you often need to queue at reception to sign in. All in all, you have to allow extra time.

Not her! If google maps says it taked 15 minutes to drive there, she will leave her desk 15 minutes before the thing starts. She has never arrived before the start of anything since she joined us.

She picked me up from home once to go to an all day event. It started at 9, I live a 30 minute drive from the venue but that's in the middle of the day, not rush hour. She picked me up at 8.30, needed to get petrol, couldn't get a parking space and then rooted around in her boot for ages looking for her paperwork before we could finally got to the venue. We arrived at 9.30. My boss was unimpressed and I was very embarrassed - I have never traveled with her since!

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up

What the fuck did she do with the kids while she had this 'nap'?

Slightly OT, but I'm baffled as to how a mum of two young children can just 'go for a nap', unless they weren't with her, in which case why would you be going to the park?

I had a friend like this.I just couldnt be bothered constantly waiting for her.

Eventually we just carried on and she turned up when ever.But we used to order and eat our food.Move on to the next place and let her catch up.

But funnily enough one day i was late.She flipped.

It's just so rude. It implies that their time is more important than yours is. I give people 15 minutes, then I go or do what I planned to do. And calling or texting after I've set off to meet them is almost as bad. I'll forgive the once, but not twice. I always remember 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

I have a friend like this - I put up with it as the friendship is worth it in her case. She is well known for it and it is a running joke amongst mutual friends. If she ever gets somewhere first (extremely rare) she phones straightaway to see where you are!

I hate being late - if we are held up for any reason I keep updating whoever I am meeting to give them an option to change the plans.

However my best friend struggles with time keeping. Always has done and I think she always will. Many years ago before she left home my husband and I together with other friends arrived at the home she shared with her parents having been invited for dinner. She wasn't home. Half an hour before we were due she had driven off to a particular shop 30 miles away to get the food!

I have seethed quietly to myself and ranted loud and long at my husband about her inability to be on time and have made my displeasure clear to her. But we have been friends since school. She is a lovely person and a fantastic support to me in the worst times of my life.

The advent of the mobile phone has saved our relationship. She texts me and tells me where she and when she estimates she will arrive. If I am ordering a takeaway I either text her when I leave the house to collect it or arrange for her to order and collect it so the food is fresh.

Compromise and acceptance has been the key to staying friends.

Have you talked to her about it?
I really can't stand lateness, it's rude and says so much about how little they value their time. Especially if she can arrive on time to paid events...
Next time, just tell her. Something like ' look, you're always late and my kids get bored waiting for you, if you're not here by (10 mins after arranged time) we'll be going.'

Yanbu my dw is late FOR EVERYTHING. It makes me beyond anxious and actually fairly angry. I cannot understand how adults cannot manage their time. I can get myself, 2 babies ready, feed our animals and do various bits of housework in the time it takes her to get herself ready. It's embarrassing.

but I’m aware she’s got less people to meet up with

Probably because she's pissed everyone off with her flakiness.

I think this can be a cultural thing. Unless it's like a booked event or something, Irish people tend to rock up later than the 'starting' time. It's sort of a given that the 'starting' time is 'a time after which you can arrive'

I'd be interested to know whether she's English?

So for e.g. say a Family fun day is on from 4-7pm, in my logic, I'm thinking, ok, nobody's going to be there until about 4.30 earliest, so let's aim for 5pm. I think I get that from my mother though. Notoriously continuously late for everything. I'm the same. For work, I had to arrive at 8.30am, to ensure I'd be on time for 9am, as it seems to be against my psyche to actually be precisely on time.

Most everytone i know has very little idea of time keeping if i agree to see someone at 10 then 10 it is plus or minus zilch!.

I gave up meeting one friend because of her persistent lateness. She once suggested we meet at 9 a.m. at our destination, when we were treating ourselves to a weekend away. This would have meant me setting out at about 5 a.m. I said no, let's meet at 1p.m. She still arrived late.
She would also suggest if we were meeting for lunch, oh let's meet at the street corner (we worked in buildings on adjoining streets) and walk to lunch venue together. Eh, no, that would mean I would be waiting on a windy street corner when she sauntered up at whatever time suited.

She was NEVER late for work or anything important...