Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

We are all punctual in our family. It makes life so much easier. I’ve always been happy to ferry the kids about even through their teenage and young adult years but the rule was that everyone was punctual. It made picking them up from parties etc so much easier. No one has to hang around. I think it’s rude to keep people waiting.

I have a friend like this and it is bloody rude in my opinion.
I just don't make plans with her anymore, as I can't be bothered to be messed around by her, especially when the kids are also waiting.

Next time she wants to meet I would have to say 'No. You're always excessively late. I don't like it.'

@WhatchaMaCalllit she was quite ok, she then agreed to meet Thursday instead.

Just texted to cancel it as ‘stuff has come up’

I cba to reply at all, just deleted the WhatsApp chat and I’m mentally switching off

My biggest pet peeve is lateness, I actually can’t stand it! I see at as someone doesn’t value my time and therefore doesn’t value me... maybe a bit extreme but hey ho!

YANBU for leaving. In future, give her 10 minutes and then leave. She will soon turn up on time!

One of my best friends does this so badly that I googled it. Apparently one psychological reason is that they're unconsciously reassuring themselves that you care enough to wait. She'll be an hour late and then send multiple texts to tell you she's at the station/in the cab/down the road etc. (By which time you really don't want to see her. )

@CloverMoon She sounds like someone I can’t be bothered to be friends with.

I am dyspraxic and I have ADD. I know that if I’m left to my own devices, I WILL be late. Therefore if I have things I need to do, I have alarms and timers set for everything. The most used feature of my Alexa is the timer function. There are very few genuine excuses for persistent lateness and your friend sounds like she has none of them. I would definitely get rid as she clearly doesn’t value you.

YANBU. I allow people 5-10 mins if they are typically punctual but otherwise I don’t bother with those who are consistently late. It feels that they are telling me they don’t consider my time and plans for the rest of the day as important as they are. The fact she can get to things she wants to on time but never bothers when meeting you would be a deal breaker for me.

l am okay for work and paid activities because I have no choice but to be there and on time. However where I have the choice of not leaving, even though I really want to see my friends, I struggle to get out of the house. Sorry but that behaviour is just rude as you can get out on time

I do not dispute it's rude to be late for social events when one can be on time for other things. I can be guilty if this and I have made an effort to try to improve. I would however never leave someone waiting in a public place for more than 15 min and I do text.

However I suppose the difference between work and social events is that my week and my kids' week feels relentless and driven by 'must do's.' I need some give in my weekends. If it's a huge problem to build in an extra fifteen minutes here and there for a relaxed social event then I would probably need to back away from that relationship to avoid their frustration and mine.

I have one of these friends. “You know me!!” Is her favourite saying. I’d arranged for her son to join mine for an activity in the spring as part of a birthday. Paid in advance for 2hrs. She turned up 1hr late then left him with me while she went to a supermarket to get some stuff for a school trip, plus he’d not eaten lunch so he ended up with about 30mins of activity. Friend knew I was pissed but I let it slide ☹️

I can’t imagine many people ( if any ) would put up with this OP. I’d just stop arranging to meet and move on, she doesn’t value you or your time.

Friend knew I was pissed but I let it slide

You really shouldn't have. Every time someone does something like that to you you're being given the message that you're not important, and you child isn't important. Stand up for yourself. Preferably by ending the friendship.

Oh I hate lateness it's just rude especially when young children are involved. I'm usually first to arrive to everything (partly due to anxiety issues) if I'm ever late even by 5 mins I'd get a phone call checking I'm ok lol

@Juells yes I know you’re absolutely correct 😞

YANBU.

I have 6 kids (grown up now) and I don't drive: if I can be on time so can every other bugger!

I had a friend who was EXACTLY the same and it's just bloody rude and disrespectful to be so cavalier with other peoples time, not to mention dangerous if they leave you standing somewhere on your own, in the dark for an hour and a half as my ex friend used to do.

Tell her what your issue is; she deserves a chance to redeem herself but if it doesn't change, ditch her.

My brother and SIL are like this. They’ve been married for 20 years and together 12 years before that. In the 32 years they have been a couple they have never arrived at a get together on time. Never! We are a large family lots of siblings and cousins and like to meet up a lot. So at these get together there will be at least 15 people. Everyone else will be waiting for them, every time! They have rocked up over an hour late to a restaurant, leaving everyone sat around politely waiting to order for over an hour, their excuse was that they don’t often get into town so fancied a spot of shopping first. Like that is perfectly reasonable. We all live out of town, some family members lived 2 hours away but they were on time.
My husband now point blank refuses to wait so we now all order and they have to play catch up. Like op’s friend they always manage to make it to work, paid activities on time but not when it involves family meet ups. So rude. I have pulled him up on it but he doesn’t care.
And I don’t blame SIL he’s always been Billy big bollocks and I think he genuinely believes his time is more important. SIL is bloody awful too but can’t say she’s made him worse. YANDA I will do this from now on with my brother. He can deal with his disappointed kids having a huge tantrum because we’ve eaten/played in park and left so no meet up with cousins. I think it’s the best way to deal with this type of behaviour, wish i’d Thought of it.

@Topsecretidentity hmmm, you've given me food for thought! Like @CloverMoon I have 4 kids but ranging from 19 down to 9, however 3 are on the spectrum (hence why I believe 19 is still a child as I still have to parent her a lot more than an average 19 year old) and 1 of them is also awaiting an ADHD diagnosis. Whilst I'm still happily married to their Dad his solution to parenting is to go abroad to work and is only home 10 weeks of the year and whilst this doesn't qualify me as single parent his answer to any child based issues is also normally "I'll support you with whatever you decide". Sorry if this seems too much information but I wanted to 'set the scene'. Now for the main question @Topsecretidentity, why do you feel your lateness is due to your ADHD? I don't know much about ADHD as am waiting for diagnosis but it wouldn't scare me that I might be as well. I'm always v. sorry to be late, will always try not to be, will phone or text if I legally can (or ask a child to do for me) but I have always put down my lateness to trying to do too many things. So instead of being 10 minutes early i might feel that I can take advantage of dropping off a parcel at the postoffice (which in my head will not have a queue nor an old lady with myopia counting out her change etc) thus reducing my list of urgent things to do. Friends of mine always marvel at how i manage everything, but I don't do these things to be marvelled at and I find it strange that not all individuals try to fill their day in such ways. In my head i'd like an opportunity to watch paint dry but know that I would get bored within a millisecond and be mentally compiling a shopping list, worrying that i'm not focusing on DD3's homework enough, planning Christmas and how to persaude DH to go somewhere more exotic next summer/winter etc. Is this sort of what you mean? I never 45 mins late (unless genuine like witnessing a car accident the other day and having to help and provide my details etc) will always try to make amends, and will always say sorry.

YANBU! I am also not a saint when it comes to punctuality but as you say, 10 minutes or so is forgivable, no more! And it's beyond rude not to message well in advance. If I've arranged to meet for 1:30 and it's clear I'm going to be late, I message well in advance of when the person would need to leave.

.....wondering if we have the same "friend".... kids are the same age too... she reguarly arrives up to an hour and a half to two hours later than planned... in fact the only time she turns up on time for me is if her husband is coming and you can guarantee I am late as expecting her to be her usual time and made to feel bad.... she is only ever less than twenty mins late is for a cafe meet up though so i am in the queue and ordering and paying for her drinks etc as she" rushes in" .... I remember meeting up with her at soft play and she had gotten there early and went nuts at me for keeping her waiting!

Butcwhy don’t you just tell her that the tardiness really bothers you as you feel that you’re always hanging around waiting - and could she please arrange a realistic time. I don’t understand why you left after 30 mins - you’ve got 4 kids who can play together - without having a conversation about it.
Maybe she just really doesn’t see it as an issue.

I’m not always the most punctual person so would be forgiving of 5-10 mins, maybe even 15. But 1 hour and 15 mins?! No way!

I have a friend who has no conception of late! love it hate it or love her .. but don't expect change .