Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

These threads usually end up with persistently late people turning up to say that everyone is being mean and they can't help their lateness because their brains process things in a different way to other people, they get distracted, and we should all be more understanding. Yaddah yaddah.

I can appreciate that this may to some extent be true for some people. But the very fact that they are articulating their problems and are aware of their brain processing issues shows that they know exactly what they're doing and they aren't willing to adjust behaviour accordingly, ie. if you know you always turn up to things 30 minutes late, try setting an alarm and making a proper effort to get ready 30 minutes earlier.

I have anxiety / agoraphobia which means I often struggle to leave the house. I can be up, showered, dressed and ready to go but actually turning the key, opening the door and stepping through it is the hard part. It doesn't matter how early I get up - in fact, I'm often more successful leaving the house if I've got up slightly late so I've rushed around to get ready and haven't had time to think. Sometimes I get out of the house ok but struggle to get out of the car.

Once I'm out, I'm usually OK, so you wouldn't necessarily know my struggles. However, my lateness is across the board including work, paid events, things I'm really looking forward to, and I have missed the train I'm booked on and had to pay over £100 for a new ticket for the next one more than once.

I hate being like this and would love to be punctual. The idea that it means I think other people's time is less important couldn't be further from the truth. I get quite upset at the thought of keeping people waiting and I would rather scuttle in to a meeting unnoticed than make a big dramatic late entrance.

YANBU in the slightest. You sound as if you’ve been very patient ! It’s utter rudeness in the circs and length of time it’s been going on.
Just stop organising things with her.

Ah well, if you're a Dub, you're not really Irish lol wink

@Bowsy5 thats fighting talk.

Tea, that sounds very stressful for you but it doesn't sound like the OP's 'friend' has those kinds of difficulties. Tbh those people who are consistently late for no other reason than they just can't be bothered are the ones making it more troublesome for people with real problems as they get lumped in with the 'can't be bothereds' when they are more like 'I really tried but I can'ts'.

Nope. I will give 5-15 minutes (depending on arrangement) and then go unless there is a text or call.
Chronic lateness is selfish and inconsiderate of other people.

I would have done the same and will in future.

I have a friend who consistently arranges to meet and is always 20+ minutes late. I used to let it slide as she had a toddler but now I have a baby. The last time I arranged to meet her she was at least 30mins late, I had rushed to get me and dd there for the time she suggested we meet and she was late because of one thing or another. It was the final straw for me and I've not met her since.

I'll fight ya!

*Just give me about 10 minutes to dither and dawdle first.

YANBU - I agree with the 5-10min buffer, but she's taking the piss because she knows you'll take it.
Well no more!

Either she'll start turning up on time (or at least a lot nearer it) or the friendship will fizzle out because you CBA to wait for her nonsense any longer. And it IS nonsense because she CAN do it when she has to. You're not a high enough priority for her to make herself be on time for, and that's a problem.

Dh is consistently late for things. Except work. Although he does get arsey if we leave late because he’s dawdled and faffed and then there’s traffic.

I’m on mat leave at present so have dropped him in a few times. His “I have to be in the office by 845 as have a 9am meeting” gets on my nerves when we have a 10 minute drive and the traffic usually means this is more like 30 minutes. I’m usually ready with ds and Dd ready to go while he’s looking for his keys/phone/wallet/gym kit etc.

Same when we pick him up. Always consistently 15/20 minutes late. I’ve started telling him that if he’s not in the car by 545 (he finishes at 530) I’m leaving. The bus home goes at 545. Next one is at 645. He knows I mean it and knows I won’t come back round to get him.

I used to have a friend like this. I’m usually quite easy-going so I let her get away with it, though I was always secretly annoyed.

When she got married, invited me to the evening only, and got my husband’s name wrong on the invitation (not just mis-spelt, but she gave him a whole other name) I realised that she didn’t value the friendship. Never got in touch again.

I had a mate who used to do this all the time
We’d say we where meeting at 9am and we’d be at hers for then-she’d still be pissing about at 4pm
Once she ran a bath with just hot water and waited 2 hours for it to cool down!
I ended the friendship-had better thing to do than wait around with two kids for her

I am okay for work and paid activities because I have no choice but to be there and on time. However where I have the choice of not leaving, even though I really want to see my friends, I struggle to get out of the house.

I'm not sure that helps your case much. If people have made arrangements to meet at x time on y date; then IMO that is also "fixed" like a dentist or a trip, unless you reschedule or cancel (with enough time for them to rearrange their day so they're not left high and dry last minute).

Just being late because you deem the meeting optional is not great.

I have a friend like this. Never less than 20 minutes late, often closer to an hour or more. I used to turn up on time, wait ages for her then have to leave shortly after she arrived as I'd need to be back at work. Now I get her to message me when she's parking and then I leave work. Even then she sometimes decides to pop into a shop while she's waiting for me so I'm still left waiting for her. She says she has no concept of time passing so doesn't realise a 30 second browse actually took 10 minutes. She's very rarely ready to leave her house early but if she is she'll sit down and read her book for 5 minutes then realise half an hour has passed. She's aware of this so I've suggested several times that she sets an alarm and she agrees that'd be a good idea but then doesn't actually do it. I'm consistently early for meeting anyone and lateness drives me mad but I forgive her because she's a great friend in other ways and has been an excellent support.
In your case if you want to maintain the friendship I'd start telling her that you'll wait for 15 minutes and if she's not there you and the children will go in/leave/eat/whatever. She'll either sort herself out or you'll be rid of her and the stress she causes.

Yanbu. She can easily be on time when it loses her time, money, face but when it's your time/money she doesn't give a damn. Good on you.

A friend of mine was always late. She always used to blame the fact her boyfriend was always late so she'd got into the habit. I asked her if she was on time for work. When she said she was I told her to "Treat me with the same respect that you treat work".

That would have really annoyed me, why does she think her time is more valuable!?

I had a friend who used to be like this. She was constantly late and I used to spend ages waiting for her.

Eventually I had had enough. We had arranged to meet at 9am... I intentionally turned up at 10 to find her sitting waiting and worrying about where I was. I said I didn't think it would worry her as she was usually late anyway...

From that day ( 5 years ago) to this shes never been more than 10 to 15 minutes late and she texts me to tell me if shes going to be.

A taste of her own medicine may do her some good:)

I had a friend like this who lived around the corner.
She was always an hour late for everything,if she offered me a lift that made me late also.

I started driving myself everywhere,sometimes she would say can I get a lift with you....I would say yes of course I am leaving my house at 10.30am.....and I did if she was here or not.
She spat the dummy out a couple of times but tough.

I am okay for work and paid activities because I have no choice but to be there and on time. However where I have the choice of not leaving, even though I really want to see my friends, I struggle to get out of the house.

So, basically, work and stuff you've paid for isn't a choice, so you make the effort, but you do feel you can make the choice to keep your mates waiting for ages, so you don't make the effort for them. I'm sorry, but that in itself is just plain rude - you absolutely are devaluing their time and effort by thinking you have 'a choice' of whether to be on time for them.

I notice you say 'even though I want to see my friends' - not 'even though I know my friends are being inconvenienced'. Basically, it's all just all about you. When YOU decide something's important, like work or things you've paid for, you'll make an extra effort because it's in your interests. But you won't make an extra effort for anything that's in someone else's interests, ie not standing around waiting for you for ages.

I'm dyspraxic and I find it really hard to organise myself and schedule things, I lose my belongings easily and I also lose my way even on familiar journeys so it often takes me longer than expected to get to places. I also have a couple of mental health conditions which can hold me up sometimes. However, as I'm aware of this I make sure I compensate for it when I get ready and I try extra hard - in fact, I tend to over-compensate and often arrive for stuff early!

I make the additional effort for other people because it's basic manners to be considerate for other people and not keep them waiting. Yes, it's really difficult for me but yes, I make the effort because I'm not the centre of the universe and my problems aren't an excuse for being rude and inconsiderate to others.

I have literally never in my life been getting ready to meet a friend and thought 'Ah well, it's not a doctor's appointment or a work meeting so it doesn't really matter if I'm not on time.'

We’d say we where meeting at 9am and we’d be at hers for then-she’d still be pissing about at 4pm

Are you saying you are going out with your friend and she is still faffing around 7 hours after you were due to go out?

I can't get over the rudeness of what some people put up with from their friends! I 100% exclude those that suffer with agrophobia etc, that must make life very difficult.

But those who can manage work, Dr's appointments, dentist etc but NOT friends are rude and not worth bothering with.

However where I have the choice of not leaving, even though I really want to see my friends, I struggle to get out of the house

Who gave you the choice to be late for your friends? Have you asked them, and they said yes?

I never keep friends waiting unless something untoward has happened.

@TeaForTara - Your problem is very different, though, as you struggle to make it on time to anything (for totally understandable reasons). If you were my friend, I would understand that and try to find ways to help/accommodate you if we were meeting up.

The OP's friend isn't like you, though, as she manages to make it on time for things like trains, paid-for activities etc with no problems. It's just friends that she's routinely late for because on some level it's less important to her, and that's just plain rude.

I have a friend like this. You either suck it up as part of their character, or you ditch them.

I’ve got a friend like this, she gets dropped by people and a few have told her how selfish she is. She gets very upset, but doesn’t change. She was an hour late for a lunch date recently, I just ate my lunch on my own. She arrived, told me why she was late (nothing important) and we enjoyed our time together.
Am I mug? Maybe. I like her when she arrives. I never ever schedule anything important with her, I don’t include her in things where it will upset me if she is late.

YANBU to be annoyed but you were being unreasonable to keep making plans with her. 😅. You have been way too nice. If I were you I would do my own thing with the kids and let her know that she can join you if she wants. For example tell her you are planning to go to the park in the afternoon but don’t make arrangements to meet her there.

Also, I tell people if they are unreasonably late and haven't bothered letting me know that it’s annoying. I’m ‘polite’ about telling it but I make it crystal clear that it annoys me and inconveniences me.

*I'm not sure that helps your case much. If people have made arrangements to meet at x time on y date; then IMO that is also "fixed" like a dentist or a trip, unless you reschedule or cancel (with enough time for them to rearrange their day so they're not left high and dry last minute).

Just being late because you deem the meeting optional is not great.*

I do cancel on friends and family instead of making them wait often the night before. I similarly postpone doctor's and dental appointments. In the 8 years of university I had an attendance record of probably 20% mainly tests and tutorials. I am self-employed so my employees don't care about how I'm feeling, just that I made it into work, similarly like activities with my children, I have no choice but to get there for their benefit so my work persona is on. Like a previous poster said waking up late is often better for me to make it to an appointment because in the rush to get ready the anxiety is almost forgotten, well at least in my case.

I do acknowledge my issues make it difficult to socialise hence I usually decline invitations. I do not view seeing my friends as optional. I prefer drop-in invitations that remove the pressure. I am always ready hours before for a meeting but will find it difficult to get out of the door. I'm fine once I'm out but it's just a struggle for me to leave the house. I got ready at 6am this morning to take my son to the park at 9am. We didn't leave until 3pm, although we were ready. I do at least manage myself so I don't keep people waiting but my social circle is small as a result, which I don't mind, until I figure out how to get through the door.

I don't think anyone should feel sorry for me or be forced to wait on me. It would be unreasonable to wait or continue to ask someone out. Punctuality is important.

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