Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

What I find extraordinary is that people put up with being treated like this on repeat.

I have never met anyone I liked enough to stand around waiting for.

I certainly wouldn't think it's a good example for your children to see it's acceptable to repeatedly be treated with such rudness.

Leaving after 10 minutes is a good idea but if someone is doing that regularly, after you have organised yourself to get 4 children out of the house, I would be done.

Who on earth needs that irritation in their life.

OP, take it as a learning moment when your children mention this women again. "We are not going to meet up again with them because they are always late and we end up hanging around, waiting for them. This is very rude and we are not going to meet them again because of it".

I have a friend similar to this. I now will see 'meet you at 10:30' but I will aim to be there at 11:15 and I ask her to text me when she leaves the house after too many times hanging around with DD waiting to start an outing.

I put up with her because although the lateness is selfish she is otherwise a good friend and very considerate.

Has she replied to your updated text @CloverMoon?

I have a couple of friends like this. Once I arranged to meet one of them at a museum to see a particular exhibition. I waited in the entrance area on a bench for 45 minutes totally bored before I decided to get up and wander around the free exhibits. 10 minutes later I get an angry text asking where I am. I went back to the meeting place and she was livid that I hadn't been diligently waiting for her to arrive

My friend thinks her persistent lateness is an adorable personality quirk - posts memes about it FB.
She has improved with age, just the 20 minutes nowadays, nearly an hour in the past.
I on the other hand thinks it's very rude and narcissistic.

I totally agree with you and other posters...being consistently late is bloody rude and disrespectful. It suggests that her time is more important than yours!! We can all have the odd unexpected hold up which is perfectly fine but when it’s consistent it is unacceptable. I am a registered nurse and basically if you are late for a shift you are delaying someone finishing so I am very stringent about time keeping generally!

YANBU.It is bad form on her part.

As an aside, I am this friend in that I am constantly cancelling the night before or a few hours before as I just can't seem to get it together to leave the house even if I'm ready I rally because of social anxiety. I am okay for work and paid activities because I have no choice but to be there and on time.

However where I have the choice of not leaving, even though I really want to see my friends, I struggle to get out of the house. I do better with drop by invitations like a barbecue where you can come an hour in and leave whenever, so friends have other company and activities to do and are not waiting on me, which makes friendships very difficult.

I do recognise people take punctuality seriously so I would rather completely cancel or decline than be late. I mean it can take me days to leave the house for a shop and even then I can be up and ready by 7am but leave at 2pm because I have to talk myself into leaving. Maybe given her chronic lateness something similar may be going on.

Bowzy it most certainly is not an Irish thing! I'm irish, I can honestly say I am NEVER late, always early, always. And i have 3 young kids. Its not rocket science to plan & manage your time correctly.

It is the one thing I absolutely deplore in a person is consistent lateness. As all others have said it's selfish & rude & implies their time is more important than yours. I especially hate when people try portray it as something "charming" or " quirky". Ie, "oh I'm always late you know me, head like a sieve ". No no no. Your bloody well rude!

YANBU, habitual late people may not intend it but they send the message that your time isn’t as important as theirs. We are all late occasionally but if it’s every occasion, and for such long periods (not just a few minutes) then clearly they’re not making the effort they should be.

I had a friend like this, she was always late and would laugh it off when I tried to bring it up. I started purposefully showing up 20-30 mins after we had agreed as I knew she’d be late.

It all came to a head when a group of us had planned a weekend away which included cross country train travel - we got good prices for choosing specific trains but this meant we had to travel on those services only. We agreed to meet at the station 30 mins before departure to give ourselves plenty of time and made it clear we couldn’t miss the train. Guess who was late? Yep. We weren’t all going to pay £50+ for new tickets and get a new train so we got on our paid one and texted her saying we had to get on and we’d meet her when she got the next one. She didn’t turn up until 5 mins after it pulled out!! Was fuming we had left her couldn’t really argue with the fact we had agreed to meet 30 mins early and shouldn’t all be out of pocket because of her lateness. Funny enough we grew apart soon after!!

I have a friend like this. It's so rude and selfish as it implies their time is more important than yours. I put up with it because her daughter is such a good friend to my daughter and they love to meet up but it drives me potty.

Last week we arranged to go on a picnic, she turned up 90 mins late and so I had an hour and a half of moaning from my disappointed dd. She didn't even bring a picnic so I had to use our food. Her excuse was that her period has started! .

She's the same with picking her children up - always late so the teacher has to stand outside with them for ages.

She's otherwise a nice enough person but just utterly self absorbed!

YANBU. She is just rude and selfish. I'm completely willing to accept she doesn't realise this, but how she reacts to you doing this will tell you everything you need to know about how capable of self-awareness she is.
I'd be more than prepared to lose a friendship over this.

I give people a couple of chances but after that anyone who is repeatedly late gets ditched as a friend. I can't be bothered with anyone who treats me in a disrespectful way and is a selfish arsehole

Funny, ok, maybe not an Irish thing, but you'll find a lot of invitations will have the word promptly after the starting time in Ireland. Because otherwise people take it to mean 'anytime after x o'clock'. Well I do.
Dates are a nightmare for me but I'm getting better at trying to be on time.

I suppose in some respects, the night before something, I'll say to myself, I'll do x, y, z, a, b, c and then I've an hour to get ready and go. Except, 2 hours to go, I've still only done x and y, then I get frustrated, sit down, have a drink and consider cancelling altogether or being late.
Character flaw I agree, but I do feel some culture are worse for it than others.

I loathe this trait in people who don't give a shit about other people waiting around with kids for them.

well done for telling her you're gone girl.

Nope can't agree bowzy, I have never seen "promptly" on an invitation for anything. I'm from Dublin, maybe your in another part of the country? But certainly in my circle it is certainly not " the done Irish thing" to be late.

I have sung at many weddings, and I think what PP's have said about keeping other people waiting to make an entrance can be true; some brides abuse the prerogative of being a little late to a ridiculous degree. Two memorable ones: a popular church, and the bride for the first slot was so late that the guests for the next ceremony had started to arrive. So the vicar put the guests for wedding 1 in the church hall, started wedding 2 on time, and let wedding 1 proceed when wedding 2 had cleared from the building. Bride 1 stomped up the aisle with a face like thunder. Second one had booked an organist for a 12:30 service; it so happened that he had a 3:00 at his own church, but that should have been no problem, as it was close by. He duly turned up at 12:00, regaled the guests with nice music, worked through his repertoire, improvised a bit (e.g. "Why Are We Waiting?" in the style of JS Bach.....), but come 2:15, he had to go to fulfil his other booking, with the vicar's agreement. The happy couple were similarly miffed, and quibbled at paying for the 2+ hours organ music the congregation had enjoyed. As PP's have said, everyone else was a bit player with a walk-on role in the drama of their life.
And as another PP mentioned, paying makes a difference; there was a marked change when the vicar started charging for extra time past the first hour; when someone blamed the limousine company, he offered a receipt so they could take it up with the company. Word got around.

you were within your right to go, but I would be upfront about the situation and would have messaged to say 'we've been here thirty minutes and you're not here, i'm off to do x,y,z with the kids. will catch up another time'

Ah well, if you're a Dub, you're not really Irish lol

Nope Bowsy, that’s a you thing, not an Irish thing.

If you know you’re going to end up in a complete oh so quirky and ‘aren’t I daft’ tizz the day of an event/appointment, you could always choose to not do the list of a b c x y z things you say you must do, and instead prioritise the event and not piss people off. Just try it?

Tried it......... Doesn't work.
Still end up getting fuck all done and ending up late!
I think I put too much expectations on myself of what is actually achievable.

I think you did the right thing. I have a friend I don't see very often but one time she hadn't even left at the time we were due to meet so she was two hours late. I was with dh and 3dcs aged 1-4 so it was rather annoying.

YANBU - I just can't be bothered with friends like this and will always end up letting the friendship slide. I am stuck with a chronically late sister, no need to add another selfish human being into my life.

Well done on taking control of the situation Op and not standing around like a lemon. She will learn, or just stop seeing her.

YABU - but I would have sent her a message at the time saying, kids are bored, we're leaving. SOz,

My BIL is always late to every family meal or gathering and has been for over 30 years... One year Boxing Day dinner FOR FOURTEEN was kept "on hold" by me for over TWO hours, with MIL constantly making excuse for him. TBH these days we tell him dinner will be on the tablet 12 then plan to eat at 2pm. But it's just rude. Plain rude.

Ha. Dinner on the TABLE (not the tablet)....