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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 20/08/2019 06:52

toneitdown I'm pretty sure that 3 yo get free nursery hours. So if the wife wanted to work then it would not cost a fortune in fees.

GPatz · 20/08/2019 07:03

'Quite why women on here can not be supportive of men going through a terribly hard time who only want to try and better themselves is beyond me'.

AIBU is not that supportive of women going through a terribly hard time either, I don't see how or why you should be treated any differently.

For those of you saying 'you would get a different reaction if the sex was reversed' I've seen plenty of threads where the ex wife is told to get over it when the ex husband starts dating again soon after the relationship. This is absolutely no different.

GPatz · 20/08/2019 07:08

'Which is ironic because if she hadn't left me, she probably would still have stayed a sthm for a few years and she'd have had a life quite significant comfort while thr kids were at school'

I wouldn't stay with someone I didn't love for 'significant comfort'. Proves she's not shallow.

PennysPocket · 20/08/2019 07:13

How did you find out she is dating?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2019 07:28

If you are not in a relationship it is none of your business who she dates. It is not normal to expect to control who a single woman has a relationship with.

TeddybearBaby · 20/08/2019 07:28

I’m sure I remember your post from before, the tone is similar. Didn’t everyone pile on you then as well? She was leaving you in limbo, undecided whether to be with you or not but not willing to make any effort?

dustarr73 · 20/08/2019 07:38

If you are not in a relationship it is none of your business who she dates. It is not normal to expect to control who a single woman has a relationship with
@Stompythedinosaur i dont believe for one minute,if it was you in this situation you would be ok for your dp to date someone else.

cranstonmanor · 20/08/2019 07:55

She's not asking for extra money, but she's using money I work my absolute arse off in a job I don't like or enjoy and have done so for years to enable her to be a SAHM. So damn me if I feel a bit bitter!

You should actually compare it to a childminder. You'd pay much more for a childminder and you wouldn't want to control what she does with the money in her spare time. Same should go for your ex. If you pay her to take care of the kids you do not get to control what she spends money on in her free time.

You do sound a bit bitter, but mostly very, very hurt. To me it sounds like you two living together when seperated is not good for you.

AGenericUsername · 20/08/2019 07:56

I'm with Mummadeeze. I feel sorry for you OP and I don't think YABU. If you were a women posting the same thing about a STBXH then you would have had quite a different response from people. I find what she is doing is completely disrespectful. I agree with PP that have said you need to sort your living arrangements out now if this is how she is going to behave so soon after separating. Time to get your house on the market and a bloody good divorce lawyer.

MarshaBradyo · 20/08/2019 08:38

It’s an awful situation, for anyone, and it won’t be good for your mh to stay in it so let go of what it was and separate living

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 08:46

she's using money I work my absolute arse off in a job I don't like or enjoy and have done so for years to enable her to be a SAHM

You're omitting the fact that her being a SAHM has enabled YOU to further YOUR career whilst she's also enabling YOU to have a lovely family and dip in and out of the parenting grind. If you'd hated your job for all of those years and resented her position as a SAHM why not deal with it when you were together so you both could have found a new way to handle things? You build up years of resentment and then act surprised when your marriage falls apart? This isn't about you being a man and her a woman; this level of resentment for anyone is destructive.

It's funny the number of people who'll claim they wanted their spouse to stay home with the DC til they split then suddenly the violins are out and it's "I work, work, work for you to do x y and z" as though staying home with young children is like being on an 18-30's holiday in Ibiza, getting pissed up in your best clothes day in day out. It really, really isn't.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 09:31

@FudgeBrownie2019

As I mentioned in previous posts (although no one can be expected to read all of those!) I said I don't really have a career as such. I have just been fortunate to exist in an industry whereby if you're willing to travel it's "easy" to make very good money. If she had not insisted we moved house last year I'd almost certainly have changed jobs this year now that our youngest is in free childcare and outgoings are less due to no private nursery fees

I was always willing to sacrifice and compromise so that my children had the SAHM and as a husband I obviously never wanted to force my wife to work when she did not want to, especially when as it's been pointed out, there would have been additional costs and less income (although the decision was never financially based as it could have worked). I always did this (as would anyone) with the understanding that this was a long term plan and the benefit was clear, for example, children coming home from school to a mother who'd been able to cook them a nice meal, a parent they have immediately available to talk about their worries with from school or share successes with. A mother who can take them to the park on the way home from school, who isn't stressed from running around trying to work and parent. When you are then confronted with all of that hard work being eroded and realising that the new future looks like, and worse than what you've worked so hard to avoid, it's very very hurtful.

As I mentioned earlier, we did discuss it and she was never willing to seriously look at going to work as an option, which at the time I thought was reasonable - we were in the extremely fortunate position to be able to afford to have a SAHM and enjoy a very - financially - comfortable life - something the vast majority of parents would wish for. However once she chose to change that dynamic it's very hard not to look at everything with a critical eye.

I completely understand and agree that being a SAHP is hard work but when it's by (her) choice and there are various alternatives available, it's very hard to not feel that she's had the best of both worlds - Not having to go to a job (she didn't have a career so she had no interest in working) and also getting to raise our children, and also quite significant free time during the week due to nursery / school.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 20/08/2019 09:40

So you would now like the previous money she has had access to for personal use, to only go on the children, and not for her personal expenses? I don't think you're going to get the answer you're looking for here. The children are in your care when she goes out- she is not oblidged to be the sole carer when you are co parenting. I assume if you wanted to, you could also go out, and do whatever you want with your allowance? She is a SAHP- and is not 'neglecting' these duties. So basically your issue is she's not home barefoot, broke and Ailey looking after the kids you helped to create. Sorry- but whether her dating is slightly crass (which I think it is) or not, your attitude negates any unreasonableness on her part.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/08/2019 09:45

I have just been fortunate to exist in an industry whereby if you're willing to travel it's "easy" to make very good money.

You wouldn't have been able to do this without your wife's help, so in effect she has been earning money! By being a sahp yo your dc has enabled you to earn this money. Without her you wouldn't have been able to do this job...

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 09:52

I cannot believe there are men out their with this attitude to SAHP. OP marriages break down all the time, you need to stop being so bitter, she can’t stay with you if there’s no love there.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 09:54

@SD1978

Oh no, I have no issue at all with her going out - that's completely fine and I am very supportive of it, I never ever have an issue with her "not being at home looking after the children". Quite the opposite, she regularly goes out with her friends for full days etc.

This AIBU has diverged from a question of is it unreasonable for her to date while still living in the family home into something far more deep and complex.

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 20/08/2019 09:54

But that was agreed between them.
But the wife finished her marriage,you cant really expect her to be a sahp now.@justbeingadad role now is to be there for his children.Not to fund her lifestyle.She moved the goalposts.She cant expect the same support she had from her ex.She has to realise that.

whattodowith · 20/08/2019 09:56

I think you’re just angry, bitter and resentful which is understandable really. She is single so free to date who she wants, she doesn’t need your approval. I can understand why you hate it, it’s basically jealousy.

You need to move out in order to move on with your life.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 09:57

@WhoKnewBeefStew

That's maybe the most flawed argument I've ever seen.

Thus without her being a SAHP, she'd have had to go to work because there'd not have been enough money. You can then argue that the only reason she's been able to be a SAHP is that she was a SAHP. This isn't the unknown what came first - chicken or egg situation. The SAHP most certainly came first and the earning requirement was driven by that.

OP posts:

AvengerDanvers95 · 20/08/2019 10:02

I wonder why she finished things with a man who has no respect for her contribution to the family that had been agreed on, and is attempting to use her financial vulnerability to control her personal life now they've split?

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 10:02

@whattodowith

It really isn't jealousy. That's the thing. I'm very supportive of her having a new relationship, I just can't get my head around how she thinks it's acceptable while we still all live in the family home and we have SOOOOOO many more important things to sort out in our lives than dedicate time to a relationship.

If we lived in different houses and we'd agreed our financial settlement and I was giving her CM and spousal maintenance or whatever the outcome is, I'd be very happy for her to have found someone who makes her happy. After all, it's not in my children's interests to have a lonely, depressed mother. Her having a (hopefully) loving, caring new partner who hopefully at least takes an interest in the children is far more important than anything else, just not while we're still all living together sorting out the VERY early stages of divorce.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:05

we dont know her relationship will last. he is someone from tinder.
i agree it feels uncomfortable she dates while at home.
what is she planning? is she thinking that she will move out and this new man will look after him?
she is swimming in dangerous waters.
the logical thing would be she starts to look for a job now and start taking care of her finances. i think thats what she should do. not everyman will allow her to be a sahm.

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:07

*after her

DuMondeB · 20/08/2019 10:08

She’s just going on a few dates, not settling down with a new man! If post-separation life means sitting in watching tv with your ex night after night (as you described in a previous post) where is the point in splitting up? A major point of breaking up is being free to meet other people.

Just separate properly snd move on, this situation is sad but it’s making you sound like a bitter arsehole.
The kids don’t need that and neither do you.

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:09

if she is starting to date she needs to have financial freedom.

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