Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
VivienScott · 20/08/2019 10:09

My ex had (and still has) a problem with how I spend my money, most of which I earn but some of it comes from him in maintenance, which he begrudges giving me. So long as the children are well cared for, fed, clothed and in no way neglected, and isn’t doing anything ridiculous, how she spends what is essentially also her money, as her staying home allows you to earn it, is nothing to do with you.

DuMondeB · 20/08/2019 10:11

Bluebell she earns a few hundred a month from her at-home business. That came out in a drip feed!

VivienScott · 20/08/2019 10:12

Also, be grateful she’s moving on. Nothing worse than an ex who is miserably single because they will make your life miserable as well. I’ve seen it happen too many times.

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:12

thank you DuMondeB.

converseandjeans · 20/08/2019 10:13

justbeing has your youngest been going to paid for nursery while your wife has been home?

Aus84 · 20/08/2019 10:13

I don't what the laws are over there but maybe they are similar- in Aus if you separate intending to divorce but still live under the same roof it's advisable to do a settlement of the finances. So you split bank accounts, decide how much of the house therefore the mortgage you get, split all bills etc. and basically live like roommates. Then you can just pay her what she would be entitled to anyway and how she spends that is her own business.

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:15

then in that case you have to make some financal plans from now on. how much spent on children etc. so it doesnt disturb you when she dates.

bluebell34567 · 20/08/2019 10:16

agree Aus84. very good idea.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 10:16

@DuMondeB

I guess this is the crux.

Back in May/June I wanted to put the house on the market, file for divorce and make serious plans. She said that there was no hurry, she didn't want to rush things and she wanted happy to keep things (financially and logistically) how they are until Christmas (more due to kids going back to school etc, rather than it actually being Christmas). At that point, we'd re-evaluate and file for divorce and look at options for the house.

I had no issues with staying in the house with her (and still don't), as I previously mentioned we don't need to really see each other in the house if we don't want to.

I feel like she's broken that agreement by entering into a new relationship. AFAIK this isn't just her going for a drink with a guy, it's a genuine actual exclusive relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 10:17

@converseandjeans

Yes, 1 full day and 1 half day a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 10:19

@VivienScott

That's sad but thankfully different to my situation. As I mentioned, I think her being in a new relationship in the future is a positive thing all round. I don't have any concerns about her not using any money she gets - either from me or from a paid job - wisely, that's not an issue.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 20/08/2019 10:20

Stop sharing your money with her. Pay for everything for you and your children, but she doesn't get any of your money to spend on herself. You've split up - now she gets whatever the CM calculator will give her, and since you are sharing custody of the children I doubt that is much.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 10:46

Hont1986

That is one of the meanest posts on here in living memory. The OP doesn’t get to dictate how she spends money any more. It’s not his place. Nor is it his place to dictate how she behaves now they’ve separated; her behaviour is her own.

Anyone who seeks control to this degree needs to find some kind of help for their behaviour. When my son is at his Dad’s house I trust fully that the adult I once loved enough to share a child, a life, with, is going to do his best by our son. That’s my only concern and my only “right”. Everything else would be overstepping.

Hont1986 · 20/08/2019 10:54

"The OP doesn’t get to dictate how she spends money any more. It’s not his place"

Exactly. She has chosen to split up their partnership, and now they both go their separate ways emotionally, financially, and so on.

She would be able to choose how she spends her own money, that she gets from her business and child maintenance. That isn't mean at all.

OP has a legal and moral obligation to provide for his children, which I said he should do. His wife has her own business and a new partner - she can set up her own financial arrangements now. It's bizarre you would consider that mean.

MarshaBradyo · 20/08/2019 10:58

Be separated as it’s clear you now are and organise finances accordingly

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 10:58

@FudgeBrownie2019

There is no controlling factor here at all. Infact, I've outwardly been supportive of her relationship. The fact that I think it's unreasonable does not mean that I am trying to control it. I want a peaceful amicable split, if I have to tolerate this (what I view as a piss take) then so be it, but I have every right to feel this is unreasonable. That doesn't (and won't ever) translate into me controlling her.

Like my previous post. I am fully confident in her ability to be a parent and fully support her having a new relationship. Just not while we still live in the house together.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 20/08/2019 11:01

The cynic in me thinks the ops wife was already seeing this man before they split up.Which is why she didnt want him to put the house on the market.

I think @justbeingadad for your own sake,you need to put the house on the market and file for divorce.Because if you are miserable.Its going to rub off on your kids.And kids are much more aware than you realise.

Laura221 · 20/08/2019 11:05

You need to get the ball rolling and start separating everything. Separate the money, file for divorce and sell the house. Your original agreement isnt working any more. Dont feel bad, sometimes you have to put your grown up pants on and do things without emotion.

Lennon80 · 20/08/2019 11:23

You Sound delightful! No wonder she’s moved on so quick!

user1471590586 · 20/08/2019 11:49

I agree with others saying that if it was a woman posting here then responses would be different. If a woman had posted, posters would be asking if your partner had been having an affair as they got together so quickly. I think you need to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling in separating formally.

herculepoirot2 · 20/08/2019 12:03

You aren’t paying for her to date. You’re paying to have someone managing your family home and looking after your children, just as you were before you split. Your issue is that you are a misogynist, who thinks he was paying for sex.

SavingSpaces2019 · 20/08/2019 12:15

I'm another one who thinks she already had another man before she ended things with you.
Don't let yourself be used and walked all over OP.

Who's paying to start the divorce proceedings by the way? Will it be 50/50 out of your 'personal' money or from the joint account/savings?
Or just you?

Applejack5 · 20/08/2019 12:43

I think I'd feel quite bitter if I'd split up with my husband and I was working long hours in a job I didn't like and paying for everything whilst he was a SAHP and using my money to go out dating.

They made a decision for her to be a SAHM when they were a couple. Now they're not so things are different. OP has an obligation to continue supporting his children but not to fund his wife's leisure activities.

OP, the best thing is clearly to separate properly now and split your finances. Good luck.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 12:56

I agree with others saying that if it was a woman posting here then responses would be different

There was a thread recently about a woman’s female friend who was splitting up with her DH & wanted the kids to live with him & she wanted to see them part time.

The woman was absolutely destroyed, called evil, selfish, a bad mother, “omg how can she leeeave her kids!!”, meanwhile men have their kids part time all the time and are praised for it. So the sexism works both ways depending on the situation.

justasking111 · 20/08/2019 13:01

The replacement may be lined up now. My friend is like this just cannot be without a man I have tried to say what about going it alone but she just cannot do it.

What does your solicitor advise OP?