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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wehttam · 20/08/2019 00:22

Defined different response if the roles were reversed guaranteed. A lot of bitter ladies venting their frustrations which is quite sad to see. As I said earlier it’s like baiting sharks, OP I would cut your losses on here and stick to the real world otherwise you’ll just be giving yourself more unnecessary grief. Maybe next time play the wife part if you need any more advice. 💐

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 00:27

Example
OP earns £3000 a month, quits, new job £2500 a month. Wife needs to earn the deficit (£500 a month), there are plenty of jobs for evening/night work or the deficit plus childcare if needed, this amount will vary depending on the age of the children and the flexibility of the OPs new role. It's not rocket science, how on earth do you think the millions of households with two working parents manage? They're not all in the upper income tax bracket.

howyoulikemenow · 20/08/2019 00:27

You are angry, understandably. Neither of you can move on unless you live apart. This anger and resentment in my eyes will only escalate and I can't understand why you'd want to live in that and put your kids through it. As a SAHM she is going to struggle to find anywhere to live with no money and no income, no one is going to let her rent. If she does go to work she will likely not earn enough still to qualify being able to private rent. So where could she live? It's notoriously hard to get a council house these days too (I know all this because it's my situation)

You cannot feasibly live in this situation indefinitely, for your children at the very least. This paying for her to date issue really shouldn't be your priority thought at the moment, but it is because you are angry. Focus on future plans instead to distract from your feelings. If you can, get yourself set up elsewhere with somewhere for your kids to visit for contact. If not, then try and think of some way you could help her move out. This can't continue.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 00:32

WhyBirdStop

But that’s not what was agreed when they had kids. They agreed she’d be a SAHP. They live in a large house according to him so could have downsized if money was an issue.

Breathlessness · 20/08/2019 00:35

Divorce is a horrible experience and having to share the same space and coparent with the person who’s just ended your life as you knew it you can feel unbearable. Your ex having a new relationship means you’re being slapped in the face with the fact that your marriage is really over. You don’t get the comfort of denial to cushion the blow. You’re angry and hurt, understandably, and that’s not going to go away soon.

Swellerellamoo · 20/08/2019 00:37

You've said you have no respect for your wife and you have no intention of moving out. Please think of the distress this will be causing your children and do the decent thing and move out so they have stability with their main carer. Life will be infinitely better for all of you.

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 00:37

Hithere12
So if she'd said I'm not happy being a SAHP any more, he would've been justified in saying , tough it's what we agreed?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:41

I don't intend to move out. To run our house and child associated costs, with no savings or disposal income is about 70% of my salary. If I move out and live somewhere then all I'm doing to demonstrating its feasible for her to stay in the house while I fund it. It may be that this would be the least disturbing for thr kids short term but given her relationship status I'm unwilling to risk her having her bf essentially move in. It's a vile situation because her having a bf now taints every judgement I make.

OP posts:
howyoulikemenow · 20/08/2019 00:45

It shouldn't. Every decision and judgement you make should be based upon what's best and what's healthy for your children going forward. They are your number one priority, above her and her boyfriend. Don't let your feelings cloud what's most important here.

You say you are refusing to move out, which is fine...except for the fact that you know this is unrealistic long term. So what are you expecting to happen going forward?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:49

@howyoulikemenow

Oh it is based on my children. My children don't need to see their mother with a new bf only weeks after we separated.

I could technically afford to buy her out but it doesn't make financial sense so I expect to sell and split massively in her favour. Frustrating because we spent over 25k moving into this house less than a year ago.

OP posts:
Saracen · 20/08/2019 00:52

I can see that this is really hard for you, and I agree that it's disrespectful of her to be having a relationship while the two of you are still living under the same roof.

You aren't coming across well because you are trying to make out that this is all about the money, and that makes you sound petty and controlling.

If you'd said that you felt sad and hurt and angry and rejected, you would be getting a different response. It seems to me that you are looking for some rational reason why your STBX shouldn't date, some reason other than the fact that it's very painful for you. You have latched onto the money idea, but it isn't about the money. Have I missed the mark in thinking that is where you are coming from?

converseandjeans · 20/08/2019 00:55

howyoulikeme don't forget it's the wife who decided to split up. Why should the OP be the one to move out?

StroppyWoman · 20/08/2019 00:56

YANBU to be hurt.

YABU in your disrespect, misogynist language, and your inability to accept that once the marriage was over she (and you) are free to see other people.

You aren’t “funding her dates” and her having a boyfriend has sod all to do with the financial settlement you need to reach.
You’re letting your ego affect your behaviour.

The marriage is over, it’s been over for months. It sounds like you didn’t accept the reality of that, and seeing her start dating has come as a shock.

Stop thinking about what she’s doing and start thinking about where you go next.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 00:57

So if she'd said I'm not happy being a SAHP any more, he would've been justified in saying , tough it's what we agreed?

Well no because it’s her right to choose if she wants to work. They had agreed that she didn’t have to though and she might not of had kids if that was part of the deal.

Me & my partner of six years have no intention of trying for children until we can get to a situation we could afford for me to be a SAHP. Working full time with a child is not a life I want. Just because some people are in that situation and bitter about it, doesn’t mean everyone has to live like that.

Glitterpearl · 20/08/2019 00:59

There is a family close to me that is going through this exact scenario, like scarily similar (and I actually wonder if you are the husband from that family, but you would have had to change some minor details for that to be the case so maybe not).

Anyway, I will say to you what I wish I could say to the man in the family I know...

She is totally unreasonable. Actually incredibly selfish. She isn't thinking about or prioritising the kids at all. If the sexes were reversed here, and she was a man, she would be called all the names under the sun. I am sorry you are going through this.

No one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy, but expecting to separate from your husband and then go out dating other men, with literally NO consequence, is just not acceptable. It is confusing for the kids and is devastating for the husband. If you want to separate then separate. But don't expect your now ex to continue to fund your life.

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 01:01

And it's his right to choose not to work away from his family. FFS this place sometimes is ridiculous. She'll have to work now anyway won't she.

Also if the bitter comment was aimed at me, don't worry I'm not. I'm choosing to continue my career as is my husband, and my child is very happy going to nursery one day a week. It means we're all intellectually and socially fulfilled and live very comfortably.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:02

@Saracen
It's not about the raw finances. It's about the feeling that it's an utter piss take.

I've worked my arse off and sacrificed so so much for the family to be able to have a SAHM and a nice financially carefree existence. I feel unbelievably hurt that she has seen it OK to leave me in exactly the same position, providing the financial means for her to be a SAHM but also using that same financial means to fund a new relationship. I feel like my sacrifice was justified because she was my wife. I was happy to continue as things were as we'd agreed until at least Christmas. She then went and got a bf and I feel that the good will of me continuing to provide her with all the associated luxuries that my job provides has been completely abused. It was always a partnership and a compromise, right now, she gets absolutely all the positives and more and I get zero. She gets all the same benefits of a SAHM, she gets total financial freedom, she is out of her "shitty" marriage, she is seeing some new guy, she literally has no negatives now.

OP posts:
howyoulikemenow · 20/08/2019 01:04

@converseandjeans I actually said either OP move out or look for a way to help her move out. For the reasons I listed it will be difficult for her to move out unless she gets a well paid full-time job and/or has someone to be a guarantor. Or by some magic, she manages to get a council house.

SpamChaudFroid · 20/08/2019 01:05

OP please do what wehttam says and post another thread, but this time you posting as your wife.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:07

OP please do what wehttam says and post another thread, but this time you posting as your wife

It won’t work. His posts are dripping with misogyny he’d give the game away too quickly.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 20/08/2019 01:12

If she wants a new relationship I think she should have waited until you or her moved out. I find it disrespectful.

QualCheckBot · 20/08/2019 01:13

I've worked my arse off and sacrificed so so much for the family to be able to have a SAHM and a nice financially carefree existence. I feel unbelievably hurt that she has seen it OK to leave me in exactly the same position, providing the financial means for her to be a SAHM but also using that same financial means to fund a new relationship. I feel like my sacrifice was justified because she was my wife. I was happy to continue as things were as we'd agreed until at least Christmas. She then went and got a bf and I feel that the good will of me continuing to provide her with all the associated luxuries that my job provides has been completely abused. It was always a partnership and a compromise, right now, she gets absolutely all the positives and more and I get zero. She gets all the same benefits of a SAHM, she gets total financial freedom, she is out of her "shitty" marriage, she is seeing some new guy, she literally has no negatives now.

Is this woman super-attractive or something? I have friends in their twenties who are really pretty, have graduate careers, are buying their own flats, and who can't get a boyfriend for love nor money. ONS and ghosting are their deal in life, yet this woman has men falling over her to pay for her lifestyle and to date her the minute she is single.

Its incredible.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:14

@Hithere12
Hating the women you devoted 15 year of your life to and feel like you've sacrificed significant parts of being a father to make her happy and belived it was for the best and to have that ruined, is in no way a reflection of my general feeling towards women. I wonder how many threads here say that women hate men etc

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:16

And it's his right to choose not to work away from his family

He agreed to be the breadwinner prior to having kids! She might not have agreed to have them if he’d not have agreed this, therefore if he turned around after she’d had the kids and told her to work she’d have basically been duped by him.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:18

@QualCheckBot
LOL. She is pretty fit I guess! I was always punching above my weight! Guess that explains a lot!!

Seriously though, I don't know. I csnt imagine it's a particularly attractive prospect, unemployed, mother of 2, living with husband.....they met on tinder I believe. Who knows.....

OP posts: