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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:20

Hating the women you devoted 15 year of your life to and feel like you've sacrificed significant parts of being a father to make her happy and belived it was for the best and to have that ruined, is in no way a reflection of my general feeling towards women

I get that you’re upset but 50% of marriages end in divorce, I think you two just need to try and live separately as quickly as possible.

I agree the way she’s acting isn’t nice but the only solution is to live separately.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:28

@Hithere12
100% of people die. Doesn't mean you csnt be fucked off about it. Sometimes statements like yours don't help. How would we move out? Why should I move out? Why should I expect her to leave? Its our family home. Because of her inability to be a mature sensible human, someone needs to move out? I'd happily sit with her and have dinner every night. I'd happily cook for the family (as I always did), I happily drop hee off if she needs to go somewhere. I truly believe we should make the end of our marriage the happiest it's been in a long time. The kids don't need to see the break down of our marriage descend into childish tantrums because she's not mature enough to talk about things.

I might hate her, but I am very good at tolerating her. At least I was until her attitude changed after she started seeing this guy.

I have no desire to grt back so we might as well get along. Sadly I seem to be thr only one with that opinion

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:32

Why should I move out? Why should I expect her to leave? Its our family home. Because of her inability to be a mature sensible human, someone needs to move out?

Oh ffs. You’re getting divorced!! That’s why!! Even if she wasn’t dating someone else you still need to both move on & not live together, it’s not healthy.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:35

It makes far more sense to wait until. We've sold the house. Otherwise we're just burning through savings. We've managed 15 years and 2 kids together, if she can't manage another few months or a year then I suppose that goes a long way to explaining why we're in this situation. Life is built around tolerance and it's not like there's any toxic or nasty behaviour between us to justify an immediate exit. Afyer all, isn't it all about thr kids?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 20/08/2019 01:36

Every time a man posts, dozens of posters jump in to say that we are all nasty to men.

It's bloody boring, frankly.

OP, the important thing here that you start to make your own life and I don't think Tinder is the right thing for you at the moment, especially if you are only there because of what your ex-wife is doing.

There is always a time of anger after a separation and you are going through it now. Even if we all said that your ex is 100% unreasonable that will not change your circumstances in the slightest.

I am worried that you are doing a job that you hate, that must be soul destroying. You will probably have to stop going away as much when you both have different residences too.

Do your children still need a SAHM?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 01:39

Kids are 3 and 6. So no, they don't need a SAHM. Which is ironic because if she hadn't left me, she probably would still have stayed a sthm for a few years and she'd have had a life quite significant comfort while thr kids were at school!

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:40

But you’re the one who can’t manage it. If you don’t want to waste savings then fine live together but you can’t try to control her and complain about her dating other people if you’re not willing to spend money on one of you moving out. You’ve already said you have savings so it’s not like you can’t you just don’t want to.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:41

Look I don’t mean to be rude but you sound so angry and aggressive in your posts I don’t blame her for avoiding you. It’s such a toxic situation all round.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 01:42

Kids are 3 and 6. So no, they don't need a SAHM

The 3 year old can looks after itself can they?

quizqueen · 20/08/2019 01:50

You both need to sort out different living arrangements asap and start leading separate lives.

Leaannb · 20/08/2019 01:54

You cant have it both ways.

Leaannb · 20/08/2019 01:58

The best interest of the kids would mean seeing both parents happy. Having a healthy relationship with their partners. You are getting divorced. You want the divorce and you have to deal with consequences. That means her moving on. She doewnt need to be a prisoner just because you dont want anyone to leave

Winterlife · 20/08/2019 02:32

I understand what you’re saying OP. But it won’t change the facts. You are better to see a solicitor and get your financial settlement, including buy out or sale of your home, done now. You can’t move on in your own life until that’s done.

1forAll74 · 20/08/2019 02:47

I agree with the OP here,because.although its the ending of your relationship,and I guess that you both can do as you please , so to speak. But to me,it doesn't quite sit right,if you are having to pay for things, that enable your stbx, to go out on dates with another man, as in for travel maybe, or new clothes etc.

Fortunately,you seem ok with the arrangements in your home at this time, although it''s less than ideal, but I would not like the idea of supporting a partner in such an issue as this.

Goodlookingcreature · 20/08/2019 02:59

I would cut all money to her! Buy your kids their clothes, make sure the fridge is full for them. Let her paddle her own canoe.

dustarr73 · 20/08/2019 03:33

@justbeingadad you are getting some kicking on here.

Why has no one mentioned the chance the dw was cheating on the op.Thats usually the first port of call when the situation is reversed.

Well what i would do,is have a meeting.Lay all your cards on the table.And come to some agreement.Because if you are not moving out,it will have to be done anyway.

She ended the marriage,thats her choice.But she has to realise,things have now changed.She doesnt get the comfort of your money

And it is now,as she is single.She needs to get a job and fund herself.She needs to pay towards the house,bill and mortgage.

You can then look after teh children more,because you can now look for a job you will enjoy.I dont think the wife has thought this through.But what i would do,is divorce her.

But i bet the minute you start dating,the shit will hit the fan.

isitjanuary · 20/08/2019 03:43

Well aren't you a treat.

Winterlife · 20/08/2019 04:01

Why? Because his SAHM STBEX wants him to continue to fund her exact same lifestyle? That’s typically not what happens on a marital breakdown.

Toneitdown · 20/08/2019 04:22

Doesn't a 3 yr old need someone at home? Or an expensive full-time nursery spot, surely?

Anyway, I actually agree with you that it's made things difficult if she's already started dating when you agreed to keep things as they are until you've sold the house - but only if it's being flaunted. You've said that she doesn't bring him to the house, so I don't think it's fair to complain. As long as she continues to keep him away from the family home until you've sold the house then I don't see the problem. If things get serious with this man and she wants to move forward with the relationship in a way that violates this agreement then unfortunately I can't see any way of dealing with it that doesn't involve one of you moving out. I know it's expensive but... You are getting divorced. The whole shebang is pretty fucking expensive.

Toneitdown · 20/08/2019 04:27

Oh also just wanted to clarify that you aren't being unreasonable in regards to money for dates - you definitely don't need to pay for her new outfits and a taxi home after dinner with a new boyfriend. That's utterly absurd and I'm surprised that anyone is defending that.

My initial response was more just focusing on the situation at home, which I think is more important overall.

blackcat86 · 20/08/2019 05:48

Have you actually spoken to her about how you both see the split happening? It sounds like you're no longer happy funding her SAHM lifestyle so you need to get the split properly underway with one of you moving out and her working out if she can afford to live off anything shes entitled to or not. I appreciate not wanting to burn through the savings but you either drop the resentment you have or you see that as a necessary cost to move on.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 05:49

You need to move out and live separately. She's clearly moved on and you need to as well.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/08/2019 06:37

She's spending 'her' money on what she wants to do, as long as it's not affecting the dc I don't see what your issue is... you do exactly the same, what either of you spend this money on, is nothing to do with the other.

Just because you earn it doesn't mean it's all YOURS! She enables you to earn this money by being a SAHP, if she simply disappeared, could you carry on working in
The same job, look after the dc and run the house? Just because she's not financially contributing to the household, doesn't mean she's not contributing in other ways. She's also forfeited her ability to increase her career and earning potential to look after your dc and support you in your career

Mummadeeze · 20/08/2019 06:49

I feel really sorry for you. She instigated a split and is now dating before you have even managed to separate your living arrangements whilst you are paying for her not to work. Completely takes the piss in my opinion. I think moving on so quickly is one thing but rubbing it in your face is completely insensitive. I think you should try to separate your lives as quickly as you can as I can tell you are hurt from your comments. You can’t control what she does but I think she is being unreasonable and I am on your side.

Angelf1sh · 20/08/2019 06:49

Whilst I can understand why it upsets you, yes YABU. If you’re relationship is over then she’s entitled to date other people. The fact that you are both still cohabiting doesn’t change that. The fact that she’s a SAHM doesn’t change that either (and be honest with yourself, you’d still have a problem with it even if she earned £100k a year). Even if you agree that the marriage was stifling and needed to end (which is a little contradictory to your suggestion at the start of your post that nothing happened and your wife just gave up), you’re now jealous. You’re jealous that your wife moved on before you did and so you’re coming up with reasons as to why she’s wrong, but the long and the short of it is that she’s not.

You need to work on your own life rather than worry about hers.