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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/08/2019 08:36

YANBU at all. Interested for update.

Our situation is: MIL tends to push for all celebrations at her house (2 hours away from us, so makes a long day). It comes from the love of seeing everyone together, with her in the kitchen all day, and her house being used again.

DH + 3 siblings + spouses + 9 GC + Xmas + Easter + their wedding anniversary (which they like to celebrate big) = 20 occasions a year. And she genuinely hopes and asks for each of these to be celebrated all tegether at hers.

They are retired, kids all moved out years ago, but they've recently spent loads of £££ extending and enlarging their (already big) house to prepare for all these big gatherings, but sadly at this point all 4 of their kids are late 30s/late 40s with busy lives and kids of their own and just don't want to keep on spending half their weekends doing the Big Day All Together Back Home With Mum. I feel for her when i hear DH on the phone trying to tactfully say no. His siblings doing the same. It's sad.

PIL come to us to visit of course, and are very welcome, but it's the big organised family do's at hers that she enjoys best. As we ourselves are aging we're getting weary of devoting half the weekend to travel to MILs for noisy chaos. Where we hardly get to speak to her actually! We're down to maybe twice a year for everyone agreeing to these big get togethers now - and MIL doesn't like it and keeps trying to 'fix' it.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 21/08/2019 09:40

Update is dh told mil last night. She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice. Don't think he mentioned it's not nice to exclude my side of the family or anything about boundaries Hmm. We are sticking to the plan of having a day at the zoo. Think dh really wants to invite mil. Worried she might try to take over or invite whoever she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 21/08/2019 09:46

Laiste wanting your adult children to spend 20 weekends at your house is alot. Its certainly alot of your time, especially with travel time.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 21/08/2019 09:53

What was your DH’s reaction to her saying you were keeping her from her grandchild?
I bet he didn’t ask her if grandma [his paternal grandma’s name] planned and hosted his birthdays etc when he was little.
Take over and contact MIL directly and have a proper conversation about this, I’d pay lip service to her “kind” intentions, but leave her in no doubt that you and DH will be making these plans in the future, and please do ask if her MIL did it when DH was small and is that why she sees it as normal. I bet she bloody didn’t. She doesn’t see herself as one of 4 grandparents of a child with 2 parents, she remains the matriarch and chief mother. She will be a lot happier when she stops comp

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2019 09:53
  • competing.
LightDrizzle · 21/08/2019 09:55

Oh and ask her how she’d have felt about finding out you’d planned a birthday gathering on the day of his birthday at your mum’s house with “no room” for her or any members of DH’s family? There can be no answer to that.

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2019 09:59

My fil loved the big family gatherings too. There were 2 fixed points in the year, his birthday (in early July) and St Pats, and another one before Christmas that he let his children pick the date for. It was good to know when all the cousins were going to get together in a house big enough to run riot in. It gave him huge pleasure, the children loved it and still talk about those gatherings now. And it was good to know that we had, for want of a better word, fulfilled our obligations. And the local grandchildren often had birthday parties at their house too, which we (as non locals) sometimes went to.

20 a year is a lot though! Shock

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 21/08/2019 10:04

How bloody frustrating that your DH dodged the real issue! What a wuss

Motoko · 21/08/2019 10:45

How bloody frustrating that your DH dodged the real issue! What a wuss

Predictable though.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2019 11:57

We always loved the big family get togethers as kids and when we had kids but the difference was not only did we all enjoy them but we were asked, not told. There was also no question of parts of the family being excluded.

Its particularly obnoxious to deliberately exclude the other DGPs from their only DGCs' events.

browneyes77 · 21/08/2019 12:33

Update is dh told mil last night. She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice.

So why are YOU the one who is apparently trying to exclude her? How have you been blamed here?

Did your DH tell her that you BOTH wanted to take your DS to the zoo for his birthday or did he just tell her “sorry, but Panda wants to take DS to the zoo”.

Even without the boundaries etc chat he should’ve at least been making sure his DM knew this was a choice that BOTH of you had made. What did he actually say to her?

She’s going to paint herself as the victim here by the sounds of it. When in reality she put herself in this position by barging in and making plans without your consent that didn’t even include your own family.

Your DH should be the one putting his foot down and setting her straight, but if he doesn’t have the backbone or sense to do it, you may end up having to do it yourself.

INeedAFlerken · 21/08/2019 12:41

I agree with browneyes.

Your DH should have been firmer and clearer about how she is out of line in her behaviour, explain that she was the one doing the excluding (of your family and of you two being the parents and making the parental decisions), and that it had to stop. Not pin it on you and your plans as if it was nothing to do with him, he being just the messenger and all. Does come across that way.

You are probably going to have to make it very clear yourself, I'm afraid. Stand firm.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 21/08/2019 13:02

browneyes77 you are probably correct, he will have said "sorry, but Panda wants to take DS to the zoo”. I bet that is exactly how he phrased it. She will definitely paint herself as the victim with DH's family.

I also bet DH's father wasn't invited to her house either. They have been divorced for a long time and he has never been invited to a family event she has held. So just had the thought I bet she had planned to exclude 3 of the grandparents from dc's birthday!

OP posts:
HappyParent2000 · 21/08/2019 13:03

Free planned and catered party? Where do I sign up?

Seriously, just talk to her.

bluebeck · 21/08/2019 13:05

Think dh really wants to invite mil

Make sure he doesn't. This is starting to look like a DH problem.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 21/08/2019 13:06

Dread having to talk to her myself. She isn't an easy woman to talk to. She doesn't listen well and will somehow twist the conversation to her being the victim or something

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 13:09

I think you need to give dh the words to say in future.
Oh ok I'll check with dw to see what's organised already.
Sorry, we want to do x

I wouldn't particularly get involved in conversations with her, tell her you'll discuss it and get back to her. Don't give her anything to dramatise over.

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2019 13:21

“I think you need to give dh the words to say in future.
Oh ok I'll check with dw to see what's organised already.
Sorry, we want to do x ”

Just checking. This is a joke, isn’t it?

GreenTulips · 21/08/2019 13:28

Well the victim thing

‘I’m sorry you feel that way, I’m sorry you didn’t ask first and are now disappointed, I’m sorry we weren’t asked and arranged something else’

Say what you want to happen first, then say what she did

Teacher22 · 21/08/2019 13:34

If you let her get away with this one, she'll never stop.

ssd · 21/08/2019 13:36

This is sooo rude of her.
Tell her you'll make your own plans and see what's happening that day.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/08/2019 13:41

If you are worried she might turn up at the zoo, why don't you ask Dh's father? If she finds out he's coming, that might put her off.

DarlingNikita · 21/08/2019 13:43

he will have said "sorry, but Panda wants to take DS to the zoo”. I bet that is exactly how he phrased it.

You need a serious conversation about how he sets you up for target practice for his mother.

Kolo · 21/08/2019 13:56

Such a selfish control freak! She sounds like my MIL. On my PFBs 1st birthday, MIL was staying with us. As soon as my PFB woke up and started making noise, she ran into his nursery, lifted him up from the cot, and took him into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

She couldn’t understand why I was so upset about her ‘kidnapping’ my son. But I was going to work that day (May leave had ended), only had an hour or so with him on his birthday. We’d also had a pretty traumatic birth the year before, so spending a little alone time with my son on his first birthday was pretty important to me. She and my DH has the whole day with my son, so I don’t know why she had to ruin the little time I had with him.

billy1966 · 21/08/2019 14:04

She sounds deeply controlling.

Your husband sounds very weak unfortunately.

Not a good look.

Keep focusing on her excluding the 3 other GP's.

That would be my narrative when she says she was trying to be "kind".

You will have to practice what you want to say and no matter what she replies with, stick to your script.

"We will decide how we wish to celebrate special dates in our family".

Controlling and excluding. Not kind.

Being strong now will mean so much to your future. That includes dealing with your husband!