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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 21:47

@PandaAtTheZoo I am gobsmacked at your comment before - your husband would never 'allow' what exactly? For you to stand up for your child? This sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship

gingerbiscuits · 19/08/2019 21:50

I would be FUMING!!! He's YOUR son & it's up to you to plan his birthday & get his cake etc - it's a precious thing & something you only get to do for a relatively short number of years as a parent before your kids are too old to be bothered.
She needs to he told to back the fuck off!! By your husband. Who needs to griw a spine & have your back. End of.

Dandelion1993 · 19/08/2019 21:54

OP tell her where to go.

Do just say "tha ks but no thanks"

She's needs to Know ho rude it was otherwise she'll just do it again.

itswinetime · 19/08/2019 22:08

RebootYourEngine I would tell her you are busy that day. Or if I was really feeling like being a bitch I just wouldn't turn up on the day. Would love to see mil explain to the family why you aren't there.

RebootYourEngine tempting but dh wouldn't allow that

Are you saying your dp won't allow you to not go? Or just that he wouldn't allow his mum to think you were coming plan and arrange it all and then you just not show up because of its option one you have bigger issues than your MIL if it's 2 then I get that!

Lilaclady9 · 19/08/2019 22:15

OP because it's a year away I decided best not to make an issue of it now and pretended not to hear, but am certainly not planning to let it happen...will plan something well in advance so we have an excuse.
Good luck with your situation... I'm sure your son will have a great birthday. Show your MIL who is in charge!

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 20/08/2019 09:21

EmpressJewel what did you do for the second birthday if you don't mind me asking?

EverTheConundrum
Think that was for not telling mil anything and just not turning up so she would be left to explain to the family why we aren't there. Dh wouldnt let me string mil along and then not turn up.

itswinetime
He wouldn't allow his mum to think we were coming plan and arrange it all and then we just not show up.

Put my foot down and dh will be telling mil we are not going to hers on the day. And hopefully tell her about boundaries. Somehow I doubt he will mention anything about boundaries and we will be having a similar situation for Christmas. Last Christmas she just assumed we were coming to her house on the day without asking us, then got very upset at the idea of us not being there on the day because she had already ordered the meat months in advance.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 20/08/2019 10:03

I only have my parents, no siblings

This struck me. You say that MIL said she couldn't have your side of the family as it was too many people and too different to cater for. It’s TWO more people!! How horrible of her to disregard them in such a way - as if they don't matter and really don't exist in this scenario!

She is being very controlling and I am glad you have put your foot down with your DH but I think he sounds clueless when it comes to her and his conversation with her will not have the outcome you want.

Aprillygirl · 20/08/2019 10:41

It would only have been nice of her if she'd checked that you hadn't had alternative plans for your DS's birthday first. As it is she's being presumptuous and meddling and you need to put your foot down now before she takes over every birthday.

billy1966 · 20/08/2019 13:36

The meanness of excluding your parents.

That would just intensify my annoyance.

Your husband is not a kind man if he cannot appreciate how inherently unfair this is.

As a DD if you have a respectful relationship with your parents, I would not allow for your parents to be treated like that and I would put your husband and his family straight.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 13:57

I only have my parents, no siblings

Yeah, agree with @CoraPirbright, she invited an aunt you don't even like but your childs other set of grand parents is too many people? That's horrendous

HJWT · 20/08/2019 16:51

@PandaAtTheZoo sounds like my MIL, good luck OP 💐

Drabarni · 20/08/2019 16:59

Get your husband to speak to her, tell him if he doesn't get it through to her, you'll be through with him.

nuxe1984 · 20/08/2019 17:52

I would be well pissed off if my MIL had done this! She is being mean, selfish and very controlling.

She's had "her" birthdays with her children - this is "your" birthday with your DS. After all, it's not as if he's going to have another 2nd birthday, is it?

I would put my foot down and say you've already started planning his birthday and have decided on the cake, the theme, etc. If she says anything, point out that she had her turn when your DH was small and now it's your turn to be a mother and organise these things for your own children.

If she won't stop this behaviour then I would just go out on that day instead - your son is 2, he won't even realise it's his birthday and it won't mean anything to him whether he spends it out with you or with his larger family. At that age I think the parents get more out of the occasion!

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2019 18:04

I never understand this “get your husband to talk to her” If my do had had an issue with my mum I would have expected him to talk to her about it. Ditto my mil- if I have a problem I talk to her. Second hand talk never works.

NoSauce · 20/08/2019 18:10

I think that’s a MN thing BertrandRussell. It’s like any problems with the MIL can’t be sorted out by the two women like normal, grown ups, for some reason the DH has to be dragged into it almost as if the DIL is too sensitive and precious to sort it out herself.

Back in the real world I don’t know any women that get their husbands to speak to their MILs. I’m actually laughing to myself thinking about the women I know who’ve had various issues with their MILs. They just get on with sorting it out and talking to them. Does the job.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/08/2019 18:24

She didn’t want to cater for your side of the family?

Did she think you weren’t coming either?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 20/08/2019 18:24

Fix your MIL with a hard stare and say 'Don''t be so silly, MIL. Did your MIl organise birthday parties for dh when he was a child? Of course not. That was your job. Now it's dh's and my job to do it for our dc.

I'll let you know what we organise closer to the time, but of course we'd like my parents to be there too.'

Controlling nasty old bat.

pictish · 20/08/2019 18:26

“Hi...a family meal at your place to celebrate (ds’s) birthday would be great! I have plans in place already for the actual day but would love to join you either side or another day that suits everyone. Thank you so much. Xx”

NippySweetie16 · 20/08/2019 18:29

Don't say sorry - you have nothing to be sorry about. Just saw thank you for prompting you to start planning for the party, which you will now organise at a time and place to be advised. Grin

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2019 18:31

Interesting. If there's an issue with my MIL dh deals with it since he has a stronger relationship with her than I do. If there's an issue with my DM I deal with it for the same reason. Unless it was some personal disagreement rather than a family thing.

Sceptre86 · 20/08/2019 18:35

It's nice that she cares enough to go to the trouble but he is your son and doesn't get to dictate how you spend the day. This year both my kids birthdays fell on a Sunday but we had their parties on a Saturday simply because I work on Mondays and that on the actual day I want to do fun stuff with my little family ( this year we went to a day out with Thomas for dd's actual birthday). As the kids get older this may change but for now their dad and I decide when and if parties will hold.

I am the type though that preps for the party in advance with themed decorations and balloons and this year I made ds's cake. I would6want someone to take this over but if they want to do cake cutting at their house it would be fine with me as long as not on the actual day. Definitely not worth falling out over, just make your intentions clear and mil hopefully won't overstep the mark again.

ToftyAC · 20/08/2019 18:36

This has been done by my ex mil. She picked our son up from school for us and my DexH was always home earlier than me. They had the whole family party before I got home and it was just breaking up as I arrived home. I never even got to see him blow his candles out, open his presents, nothing. I was fucking raging. So, no. YANBU

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/08/2019 18:39

@EmpressJewel that doesn't sound like a compromise to me, it sounds like she still gets most of what she wanted.

Polly345 · 20/08/2019 18:41

Please don't let your MIL take over like this. Mine did the same. She said it was ladies only because of the space. Then she said my friends and their babies couldn't come and then surprise all of a sudden there was loads of room so her male relatives were invited. It went on for years. Looking back I wish I had acknowledged her kindness but just stood my ground. Life would have been so much easier. Stand your ground!!

Honeyroar · 20/08/2019 19:01

Well tell him to remind her to not dictate Xmas this year either while he's telling her that taking over the birthday was unacceptable. I'd be pretty hacked off with him after this, if he thinks his mother and family can walk all over you and exclude your family he's going to have an ex wife in the near future.