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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
Lucked · 20/08/2019 19:06

Due to lots going on in my life around my DC1 birthday (ill family member) I let others plan his first birthday party. I have never clawed it all back and now it is ‘tradition’. I am really laid back but I would say stand your ground.

NellieEllie · 20/08/2019 19:11

No. You have plans for your DSs birthday.

Ilfie · 20/08/2019 19:17

Surprised that you’re even asking! This is your child and you’re choice- take control! x

Cloglover · 20/08/2019 19:37

Absolutely agree with the poster who said about not feeling the need to 'get in their first'. Don't feel pressured to make fake arrangements. Be honest. Say you haven't planned anything yet but were thinking of taking him to the zoo. A lot can change in 2 months - he might be obsessed with space/dinosaurs/soft play etc then so don't pin yourself down to anything. The balance of power completely changes when you are in someone else's home. Especially when you are surrounded by the home owner's allies. She knows that and that's why she wants it on her territory.

I also agree that I'm not sure your husband is the best person to sort this out. He's grown up with it, so this is normal to him. Her being in control is most probably part of their dynamic and makes him feel secure. I think it may need to be you that needs to draw the line in the sand.

Fififerry1 · 20/08/2019 19:39

My DSIL insisted that she host my DD’s 1st birthday. It was a 3 hour drive away (near to my DH’s family). It was also DBIL’s birthday and when we got there it was obviously a party for him. Not even a special birthday cake - though I had offered to bring one and been refused. She wouldn’t let her DCs play in the garden as it was ‘too cold’ (overcast late summer) and had no toys out so that the house looked nice. Then we realised she hadn’t expected us to stay and had other friends staying so no room for us (3 DC under 5). We ended up driving to stay at DPIL house 30 miles away on our own as they had arranged to stay with family closer by.
As you can imagine - never again.
You must set your boundaries very early on. It won’t get better.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 20/08/2019 19:39

ToftyAC that's horrendous, I'm fuming on your behalf. You never even got to see him blow his candles out, open his presents, nothing. I can't belief she had your sons party without you. That is shocking!!!!! What a nasty women she is to do that. Didn't anyone say anything at the time?

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 20/08/2019 19:42

Polly345 that's awful. That was a very manipulative way to get what she wants. Did your dh say anything at the time?

OP posts:
PamelaTodd · 20/08/2019 19:59

I think a trip to the zoo sounds like a lovely way to celebrate with a two year old. A houseful if relatives, vying for the best present-giver award, singing at a small child while waving a flaming confection in his face is a very, very stressful situation for a small child.

NewStarterPack · 20/08/2019 20:05

I really cannot believe some of you let your MIL/ SIL etc. dictate what you do with YOUR children. I would, and have, told my MIL to wind her neck in. It has cost me because she now excludes me and openly dislikes me, but the alternative was to be a walk on part in my own DC's lives.

My DC think my MIL is a cow and whenever she asks them to go over they say no. I've not said a word to them. They see how she is to me, their mother, and they don't like it.

Motoko · 20/08/2019 20:16

It's horrifying to hear that so many grandmothers behave like this. It's never entered my head to arrange my granddaughter's birthday party! I'm not her mum.

OP, I agree with PPs that you really need to tell her yourself. Your husband has grown up with her brainwashing, which is why it never occurred to him that it was not on, and that it's a powerplay, rather than a nice gesture, so he's unlikely to tell her in an unambiguous way, that she's not to do things like this, if he even speaks to her at all.

Most men like this, put off speaking to their mothers, because they know how badly she'll react, and they try to avoid doing anything to upset her. If they do finally speak to her, they'll make it sound like you're the bad guy, and they're on her side.

At the moment, there's plenty of time for her to cancel things, but if you don't say anything, it'll be too late, and you'll be pressured into going along with it.

Windydaysuponus · 20/08/2019 20:21

Op am I correct in thinking you posted about last Christmas? I remember the having already ordered the meat....

Tistheseason17 · 20/08/2019 20:25

When is your DH telling his mum the news?

EllenMP · 20/08/2019 20:40

"Hi there, I'm so sorry but we have made other plans for his birthday dinner. Happy to come over a different night, though."

SconeofDestiny · 20/08/2019 20:50

She’s not being kind at all. In fact, she’s being the very opposite of kindness by taking over and deliberately excluding your parents. That’s plain nasty behaviour.

I’d be telling her no and I definitely wouldn’t be inviting her to the Zoo.

The fact that she’s not given up trying to control family occasions means you need to push back very hard this time so that she gets the message loud and clear.

If you’re at all wish washy, she’ll accept her losses this time around but will simply carry on trying to bulldoze her way over future family events.
You need to get to the position where she understands that for ALL future events, she must consult you first or await an invitation.

I’m a MIL and I can’t imagine having such little respect for either of my lovely DIL’s. In fact, I’ve been What’s App-ing both of them for chats tonight, sharing recipes etc. They're both amazing women and I think my DS’s are very lucky indeed.

ToftyAC · 20/08/2019 21:06

@PandaAtTheZoo
Nope. My exH didn’t see what the fuss Was about. But that type of behaviour was standard. There are many good reasons why we’re divorced. All in all she pretty much did her best to cut me from my sons life. He’ll be off to Uni next year and it’s doubtful she’ll see much of him - mainly because because she smothers him.

gill1960 · 20/08/2019 21:51

Completely unacceptable ... what a control freak.
She's hiding being a bitch from your husband.
Tell her thanks and no ... and don't expect your husband to do it. Lots of men don't understand this type of behaviour because his mum told him that she was being helpful and thoughtful.
Keep a mental note though because she will interfere again in your parenting and relationship.

scubadive · 20/08/2019 22:34

Stick to yours plans to go to the zoo on his birthday, I’m sure your son would enjoy that much better, then have your family round the following day and say to her you’ll see her the following weekend.

If it’s too much for her to cook for everyone then she shouldn’t host or just make sandwiches, jam sandwiches and jelly is all your son would want. Who’s birthday is this.

scubadive · 20/08/2019 22:44

Don’t invite PIL to the zoo!!!

MangoMummy19 · 20/08/2019 22:50

Nip it in the bud now...and say you appreciate the offer but have planned something for YOUR son's birthday already and you are hoping she understands as the early birthday parties are a chance to create lifelong memories. Go ham, but ask her if it's ok, that you choose cake together to fit in with the theme of party you have planned. That way free cake and everyone's feels happy and involved.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 20/08/2019 23:37

I would ask her what her PILs/MIL did for DHs 2nd birthday.... or did she actually plan that herself? Slight snark intended but actually maybe she had her own domineering MIL who took over her DCs birthdays so she may think this is her right?

In any case DH def needs to say thanks but no thanks, we are going to the zoo (& ask them if you want to or don't, it is your call). Maybe could you meet them for food at some point in the day otherwise?

Good luck! & very early happy birthday to your boy! Cake

manicmij · 21/08/2019 00:44

Would bother me, a lot. She's had her turn with her family's birthdays and should not be hijacking your son's.

starfishmummy · 21/08/2019 01:15

My mil has pulled some stunt or other for every one of DS's birthdays. Good luck!!

Shelby2010 · 21/08/2019 01:23

If you don’t want to pay for their zoo tickets then just arrange to meet them inside eg 2 o’clock by the penguins.

Italiangreyhound · 21/08/2019 01:27

PandaAtTheZoo would definitely bother me.

Make sure dh and MIL know that the plans for ds's birthday are not yet decided but will be an outing of your choice. I'd personally be fine with my MIL organising a family meal but I might say no to a bullying relative and certainly no to it happening on the actual day.

I wonder why your dh thinks it is nice, maybe because he is not that bothered about what you will do. It's his son too and maybe it would be nice to plan it together and find something to do which will be memorable for you both (he may well not remember it when he is older!)

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 21/08/2019 01:28

(he your son may well not remember it when he is older!)