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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
TumblingTumbleWeeds · 22/08/2019 19:44

OP I'm glad you see the writing on the wall and that you're going to stay to get your ducks in a row. I did that many years ago. I worked and saved for 18 months and then left on my terms.

I think your husband is having a mid-life crisis and thinks that younger woman finds him hot and can offer him everything you can't. There's no fool like an old fool. He's in for a shock and will regret what he has done one day. If I was that other woman and didn't realise the trouble I was causing, I'd back off right now! It seems as if she's loving the attention and power. She knows she should be in another woman's house like that ffs!

She's a cruel heartless bitch. Life for you will get better. Hang in there.

mathanxiety · 22/08/2019 19:45

If people want to discuss the rights and wrongs of MN relationship advice in general, they are very welcome to start their own thread somewhere other than this one.

Site stuff, chat, gardening, whatever.

Apothekerry · 22/08/2019 19:53

Thinking of you OP xx I've been here too, ExH was shagging his best mate's wife, literally under my nose. He had her name saved in his passworded phone as Martin.

It went on for a year before I twigged. I hacked his online phone account and found over 1000 texts in a month to a number I didn't recognise, called it and it was the OW. Called her DH who is a very good friend of mine, he refused to believe it until I showed him the phone account.

I bagged up his clothes and shit and dumped them on the doorstep where she worked with a thank you card.

12 years on, a lot of heartache in between, dragged through the courts by him and his expensive lawyers which proved fruitless as I self repped and got 78% of the assets... I am very happy, mortgage free and have a fantastic (younger!) DP who treats me like a goddess.

Get organised, get mad, get ahead and get the life you deserve with someone that deserves you xx

Motoko · 23/08/2019 01:01

OT.
Anybody else keep getting notifications of a new post on this thread, to find that there aren't? I've had 3 so far.

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 13:50

@Apothekerry - you are brilliant, & the thank you card cracked me right up :) x

DieBabySharkDie · 23/08/2019 14:37

OP how are you? Are you ok? Flowers

dillusionaldog · 24/08/2019 21:03

hope your weekend away is going well OP Flowers

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 25/08/2019 12:00

Thank you everyone, I am absolutely fine. I bought some of those tiny motion sensitive cameras to leave at home but have seen on Instagram that she's out of the country this weekend anyway. So no chance of shagging for him. Things are progressing well. Im still sad but... coming to terms with it more now

OP posts:
InterestingView · 25/08/2019 13:21

Oh OP. You still sound so overly invested in this whole situation. Take a step back - block her on social media, remove the cameras and get on with your life without him in it.

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 13:51

@girlsgonetame no, no, no! That's not the way to go, you're going to make yourself seriously unwell.

If you're at the stage of hidden cameras you need to leave the relationship.

Honestly your mental health is worth so much more than this.

Cherryade8 · 25/08/2019 13:53

Sorry OP 💐 try to focus on work, kids and making a positive life for yourself. The best revenge is for him to see you thrive without him. Maybe not immediately, but in time you can do this.

CatonNZ · 25/08/2019 14:28

Hi OP,
I’ve been following this thread and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your circumstances and the position you are in. Well I guess purchasing those cameras may offer info that will catch your husband and his friend out but here’s the thing the WHOLE situation is angry, sad, scary and disempowering. Catching him in the act is going to offer satisfaction for about 5 seconds and many months of pain to follow. Maybe go and talk to a counsellor about what’s going on and find out what you can do to keep yourself together, emotionally and financially through this process. This unpleasantness is going to undoubtedly affect your judgment and self esteem. The tricky part is figuring out how to keep those elements within you intact. And how to keep yourself whole the entire time. It’s going to be hard work but you will emerge better and healthier. There are people who can help.

Take care and be kind to yourself xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/08/2019 15:29

I may disagree slightly with the posters rejecting the cameras - the OP already suspects/believes her husband is having an affair but she's been told again and again that it's all in her head, so I can see how having footage of it actually happening would validate her own beliefs for her, so that she doesn't spend years wondering if she was wrong.

The hurt has already happened - and while it would be intensified by seeing them "at it", or anything dubious, it would also demonstrate that the OP's instincts were right.

It would't be useable in any court of law, obviously, but it would give OP the peace of mind and the backup that she needs to divorce him (if she goes that route).

Emmas1985 · 25/08/2019 15:43

I was trying to find your original post the other day to see what had happened.... OMGi would have hit the roof, it’s one thing continuing a friendship but that is just totally dodge and disrespectful to you

dustarr73 · 25/08/2019 17:07

@girlsgonetame you have just switched bases.You are not following your dh,but this woman.You have decided to end things.So what are you doing wiht the cameras.Thats just bordering on stalking now.

Emmas1985 · 25/08/2019 17:40

I don’t think that’s stalking I think it’s knowing what’s going on, him saying she’s mad and her wanting to prove she’s not!! How many times has he taken this woman to the house and got away with it?? I bet he’s making her feel like she’s losing her marbles I think stick them up, if you find nothing great but if you do there’s your proof

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 17:46

How is it bordering on stalking to have cameras in her own home? I think having cameras is the first thing she should have done, and is way overdue. It could also be necessary proof in a court case. It is a very smart thing to do!

dustarr73 · 25/08/2019 17:50

The op has admitted to be being jealous.Do you think cameras will allay her fears @SaraNade and @Emmas1985.It will just drive her more demented.

And she seems to be following the ow every move.That cant be good for her mental health either.

Emmas1985 · 25/08/2019 18:01

You’ve obviously never been cheated on, I haven’t either but my best friend has been and her still DP drove her insane making her feel she was going mad when she questioned him about things, that put her mental health in a terrible state, I wish we’d have done this and maybe she would have got over it a lot quicker than what she did. Matter of opinion I suppose

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 18:23

@dustarr73 How is her admitting to being jealous even remotely relevant, she he has admitted he wants to have sex with the woman and the woman was walking about OP's as if she owns it? Any woman would surely want to know if she is being cheated on, and getting proof is very vital to that. She seems to be following her husband's every move, I don't see her interested in the OW in particular. Again, I cannot fathom why anyone would think it would be wrong for the OP to want to gather evidence (that she will need in marriage/divorce court). Surely it would be the only thing to do. The smart, wise, prudent thing to do.

Motoko · 25/08/2019 19:45

It would be better to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, she wouldn't need proof of an affair then.

ethelfleda · 25/08/2019 20:42

FWIW OP I don’t think you’re in the wrong to get cameras. You’re hurting and you’re the injured party here so you can do whatever you damn well need to square it off in your head. You owe yourself that!

Pineapple1 · 25/08/2019 21:42

Let me get this straight. There is no proof that he has been cheating? Just thoughts and feelings?

Sorry, but that's not going to look good Infront of a divorce court. You need proof.
The cameras are a good start.

You never know, you may find nothing, but I think you have already made up your mind.

Alfiemoon1 · 25/08/2019 21:58

She can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour like admitting to thinking of ow when they have sex. Storing ow number under a fake name. The op doesn’t need to cameras to catch him out to divorce him

CorBlimeyGovenor · 25/08/2019 22:14

I can't decide whether the cameras are a good idea or not. The more that I think about it, probably not. I would probably do that in your position, but there again, what is the likelihood of him ever bringing her back to your home again? And if you don't catch any footage,you might start to doubt yourself and think about staying with him. It also doesn't mean that nothing happened before. That thought will still continue. And after this woman, there will be another or someone else to focus on. I fully understand the temptation for the cameras. You want and deserve the truth. However, I just don't think they will give you all the answers and just cause you to go slightly bonkers. You have enough evidence that your husband has feelings for her, that he has been extremely cagey with his behaviour and dishonest. If she was just leading him on, his intentions were at least clear. I think that you have enough to indicate that he has probably had an affair or at the very least would have if he had half a chance. That is enough. Trust yourself here and your instincts! I don't think that you really actually need any concrete evidence. Thinking of you. Stay strong OP!

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