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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 21/08/2019 22:05

Whole heartedly agree with Rethymnon! She talks a lot of sense OP!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/08/2019 22:24

the “type” you become is dependent on the type of relationship you’re in

Sometimes. Sometimes not. In my experience jealousy in a relationship stems from self esteem issues which then go on to invade other relationships as a vicious circle. Why not allow the OP to own her problems, get help and go into future relationships feeling better and more secure. But I guess that doesn't meet the narrative of this thread.

Sarcelle · 21/08/2019 22:47

People are attracted to other people, that's a fact of life. But its the cruelty here. Having a lot of sex with OP but telling her he was thinking about the OW. Really spiteful and unnecessary.

Thanks
PookieDo · 21/08/2019 22:57

@Leighhalfpennysthigh

Not true in my own experience. I am the least jealous person ever. But I have had one relationship like this one, that made me into someone I didn’t recognise at the time. Always always this funny feeling, and I could never put my finger on it, nothing was obvious and he called me insane and jealous too. I too was eventually completely right, he was a liar a creep and a manipulator. I must have known deep down but not really known enough to call it out. I’ve never been like that since I threw him out.

Usuallly jealous people tend to be jealous of lots of people, and behaviours of their partner, never really trusting them to do anything out of their sight. The other person has the right to leave, not to behave badly. OP has clearly listed more than one young female work colleague she had suspicions he had a crush on over the years. He has form for this, and is a creep around young attractive women he manages, fantasising about having sex with them. She’s never been sure of where she stands with him, and anxious he is going to leave her. This isn’t a fantasy she has concocted in her head for no reason by the sounds of things

What she needs to really focus on is not jealousy per se, but her own self esteem and boundaries, and why she is tolerating being with someone who makes her feel so low and anxious about herself

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/08/2019 23:05

But that's your experience. Not the OP's.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/08/2019 23:05

People need to stop projecting their own experiences onto this thread. In fact on all threads like this. It is very damaging.

VBT2 · 21/08/2019 23:10

I’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster reading this, OP, god only knows how you must feel. Just hugs and flowers, 1000 times.

The thing for me is that your husband has no respect for you and I think it’s crucial you start taking control back now. Regardless of “before” and whether anything physical has happened or not, it is hugely inappropriate and disrespectful for him to bring her into your home like this, before you even get started on his ‘confessions’. She may well be innocent in all this, just trying to do well at work and now all this has happened because, unfortunately your husband is a complete dick. Maybe not.

What matters is how you deal with everything now. He’s not trustworthy, and maybe never was. He obviously has no idea what he stands to lose. See a solicitor ASAP and regain some sense of agency/control. You have all the cards here, he is a failure of a husband to you. Let that red mist sink in, you are right to listen to that, it’s not paranoia or jealousy, that’s your self respect speaking up.

ButtercupGirI · 21/08/2019 23:24

OP, his change of behaviour explains he has the hot for her. He will feel so sorry when he realised he will never have her and he has lost you.

Hope you have more strength tomorrow to deal with this awful situation - I would put away as much money as possible to begin with...

Please be gentle with yourself, it's not you who destroy this marriage!

chickenyhead · 21/08/2019 23:33

Leighhalfpennysthigh

the “type” you become is dependent on the type of relationship you’re in

Sometimes. Sometimes not. In my experience jealousy in a relationship stems from self esteem issues which then go on to invade other relationships as a vicious circle

Leighhalfpennysthigh

People need to stop projecting their own experiences onto this thread. In fact on all threads like this. It is very damaging.

Hmm
MissBehaves · 22/08/2019 00:01

I’m so sorry OP.

I also think that you should post in Relationships board as there are a lot of kind, helpful people there who will have some excellent advice and support for you moving forward.

In the long run you will be so much happier than being in what sounds like a relationship that has been, if not toxic, certainly sounds close.

It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting being consumed with mistrust let alone then ultimately uncovering a betrayal.

Irrespective of the rights or wrongs, ever since mistrust and jealousy rears its head, it’s an inherently stressful situation, one of which you are now not in - remember that is a good thing.

You will be able to clear your mind from this eventually and when you’re not expending negative energy on him you will feel so peaceful. It might not seem like it now, but it will come. FlowersWine

Until then, if possible (controversially!) I’d still go to the spa, but before that... I think I’d make a pledge to tell at least one person I trust in real life, sort out documents, perhaps try and ring fence some cash (if necessary, depending on circumstances and if possible) and arrange a SHL meeting ideally early next week. You can do this OP. Gin

nugget396 · 22/08/2019 00:24

Please ignore anyone telling you your jealousy and insecurities have driven him to this, there is simply no excuse to be unfaithful. If you were making him that unhappy, and your jealousy was such a huge issue, then he should have left you, not cheated on you (emotionally or otherwise).

It will be great for you to invest some time in loving yourself, and of course your children, and not have all your energy and emotions absolutely drained by this poor excuse for a man.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh Regardless of where the OPs jealousy issues have stemmed from, this is never justification to cheat. This would be exactly the same if the shoe was on the other foot, it was her husband was jealous and OP cheated. It’s just never acceptable. I’m not sure why you insist on continuing to post in this thread if you are so against what others are saying, and instead just wish to be so negative. Why not just take your “sage advice” elsewhere.. there’s playing devils advocate and showing a different perspective, and then there’s just being a bellend. You’re behaving like the latter.

HiJenny35 · 22/08/2019 01:25

You can't drive someone to cheat, that's up to them. But seriously what are you thinking, he didn't have sex with her because she wasn't offering it, if she was he clearly would have. So you go away for this weekend, he spends the weekend messaging her about how sad you are making him and how you don't understand. You come back wondering if he's seen her, called her, had her round, everyday you drive yourself mental wondering how much time they've spent together. You will never get passed this. Unless he's willing to quit his job, look for another role, throw everything on the line for you- which he clearly isn't, there's no future which you kind of know but the whole not telling anyone and putting up with it for a year that isn't going to work. Tell people, there's no shame and I guarantee you that despite how big and embarrassing it feels for you people on the outside don't see it like that, once it's out it's so much easier, then forget holding for savings all that will be need to be declared anyway. It's over, you will make yourself miserable trying to live constantly wondering what he's doing behind your back. He would have happily fucked her in your bed if she'd let him. You deserve better. Stop making excuses for his behaviour, your previous jealousy doesn't make it acceptable, the sleazy old sod. You will get past this. Tell your family.

Iwasatglastothisyear · 22/08/2019 02:19

It's a sad time when people are separating/divorcing/whatevering based on what strangers on MN are telling them.
What happened to sitting down and trying to discuss things with your partner? How about telling him/her how you feel instead of discussing every aspect of your relationships on a public forum.
How about trying to be rational, having a conversation that's real, instead of planting a seed here, watching it grown into a tree, then a forest, before someone throws in a match and it goes up like an inferno; when actually the seed just needed nurturing and treating careful and it could be managed and maintained.
Is society so messed up now that not only do we need likes and validation from strangers, that we now have to take advice on our marriage from them too.
OP TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.
People telling the OP to leave her husband, invest some time in your own relationships and talk to your partners too, instead of trying to second guess the ins and outs of strangers posts, when they're fuelled by half truths and insecurities.

Motoko · 22/08/2019 02:35

OP HAS tried talking to her husband!

greenyellowredblue · 22/08/2019 03:43

How about reading the fucking thread

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 05:52

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MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2019 06:12

@Iwasatglastothisyear are you @Leighhalfpennysthigh or did you just post on the wrong thread? OP has talked with her H plenty and he's been an arse

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 06:26

My brother was married to a jealous and insecure woman. Whatever he said wasn't enough to convince her he wasn't cheating. It's very wearing. She was constantly questioning him about where he'd been and not believing him. Once she turned up at my house and caused a scene because my brother said he was with me and she wanted to check that he was telling the truth. He wasn't there so she went crazy. The truth was he'd just popped out to take a pile of my late husbands belongings to a charity shop. He was helping me clear his stuff after the funeral. But according to her it was a smokescreen for me covering up his affair - because that's really a priority in my life 2 weeks after my husband (and his best mates) funeral.

They are no longer married and my brother met someone else who is very lovely, very trusting and respects him.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 06:27

But I'm sure that if my ex SIL had posted on MN at the time her thread would have looked a lot like this one.

Macca84 · 22/08/2019 07:06

Totally unsure why you're on this thread, Leigh - agree to disagree, find something interesting to do in RL and get off the thread 🙄

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 07:09

And you are the thread police because I disagree with the dramatics? Wow

Macca84 · 22/08/2019 07:15

No... just really unsure as to why you're so incessantly disagreeing, when even the OP herself has held her hands up. It's really boring to read and can't believe you're still posting here when the OP needs support right now in this inherently shitty time in her life.

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2019 07:16

Interesting @Leighhalfpennysthigh - wasn't it you who spoke about people projecting on to the OPs situation? Prime example right there about your brother. Did you miss that in the OPs case he has admitted that he does have feelings and it isn't all in OPs head?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 07:18

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/08/2019 07:20

Developing feelings for someone else is not having an affair and is a sign that a marriage is over. Or at least in big trouble.