Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

I despair. I think we need to stop feeding it

I doubt very much that anyone’s post here would push a poster to leave a marriage. Posters in that position know what they want, typically. They’re just looking for validation or an opposing view, so that they consider everything before making such a serious decision.

Honey. I don't care whether you validate my view or not. However I'm entitled to hold one and express it. Which I have done without breaking talk guidelines.

Feelings for someone else might not mean the end but admitting to sex improving because you're thinking about them, bringing them home alone more than once, dropping the ball with your wife and gaslighting her all mean little chance of sorting things out.

You’re not the OP. Really, it’s not all about you.

Unlike sone who have described me as being a troll, a man and unhinged. As well as gaslighting.

**^^Is society so messed up now that not only do we need likes and validation from strangers, that we now have to take advice on our marriage from them too.
OP TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

...........and that's your advice right there.

Isn't it funny, that whenever someone announces they're done with a thread, they always come back?

Euro

Maybe you should they?

She already has he has told her everything she needs to know about his feelings for the ow and what he wants from her. If someone told you that your sex life had improved because he was fantasizing about the ow during sex how much more us there to say?

I’ve read the full thread and think it’s disgusting that people are derailing it so much - bring it back to support for the OP! Leigh, whether we agree with you or not, you have, repeatedly, expressed your opinion and given your advice. Others should either ignore you or you should now ignore them - everyone is actually wasting pages and pages of potential supportive posts arguing with you (and there are a couple of others with similar views to you) and you are all keeping it derailed! You’ve got your point(s) across. Just stop.

Back to the OP.

I was reading this last night in bed and it kept me up most of the night afterwards. I’m sorry you are going through this. I felt like I was reading my life, with a few minor details changed, up until a couple of years ago.
Like you, I wasn’t completely innocent but it was always a kind of feeling that wouldn’t go away - almost a psychic sense that my husband was going to cheat. His (“bitter bitch”) ex wife had warned me he wasn’t what he seemed but never elaborated, only hinted - and I was already conditioned to hate her with a vengeance, so it only made me hate her more. But it must’ve stuck in my head.
I became paranoid, insecure, needy but pushed him away at times too. When suddenly his relationship with his ex wife was miraculously healed overnight (they had 2 young children - who were poisoned against me by her and would hit me and my even younger son, who is on the spectrum, whenever no one was looking, but then act all innocent and angelic and say we were lying. They also told their mother that I burned them with hot kettles, would shower them with burning hot water - I never showered them, so this was how they were finally found out, at least to my husband - and pulled their hair) I was just expected to accept it and be ok with them being friends “for the kids” even though I wasn’t allowed near the kids, near her, my name wasn’t allowed to be mentioned... etc. He never stood up for me, just wanted an “easy life.”
I kept thinking he might be having an affair with her but would shoot myself down immediately after because I knew all she had done to him and to me so thought it would be ludicrous! However I couldn’t help the anxiety making me not sleep, making me like a mad woman, talking 100miles an hour... I had a breakdown. I got REALLY sick. I even posted on here about her and what should I do etc, never really putting my wet drip of a husband to blame, just seeing it as her trying to win and ruin his life once again by ruining our marriage.
Then I started having seizures. Up to 10 a day. My son (not exDh’s) went to live with my mum because I couldn’t even be trusted to be alone with him in case I had a seizure (he was 2 at the time). This went on for a year and I was seeing consultant after consultant, brain scans, tests - the lot. One day I was in the neurologist’s office and my husband wasn’t with me for once (he was very controlling and insisted on coming to every appointment, even though my mother was paying for the private consultants - I thought it was loving at the time but it was controlling looking back) and my Dr told me it wasn’t epilepsy, so couldn’t be treated with medication. I was experiencing stress related seizures. He had been told a bit about what was going on, but mainly from my husband's POV because I was never allowed to speak - my husband would tell him I’m paranoid, he’s worried for my mental health because my jealousy and depression is out of control...
Over the months he had watched the dynamics, quietly. But he wasn’t a stupid man - he knew what he saw and he said to me, “if you stay in the situation you are currently in, the one that is causing you to cry all day, feel anxiety all day and night, then you will never have a day of peace again. You will never have your health. You will never be able to drive again. You will never have your son living back with you. Get out of that situation now, because if you don’t, you could die - either from a seizure or by your own hand.”
A lightbulb kind of went off in my head and I went home and packed a bag and left. I filed for divorce the following day. He cried, said he didn’t understand, said I blindsided him... I doubted myself for a long time but one day I had to go to his house to pick something up and I still had a key so let myself in. I ended up being nosy and looking through some stuff on his iPad and found naked pics of his ex wife, dirty messages, bookings for weekends away - all while we were together. They even slept together the night before our wedding. No wonder she hated me and wanted to destroy me/him. Even on the night I was giving birth to our premature stillborn little girl, no one could find him. Turns out he was crying on her shoulder about “his” loss and she “made him feel much better!”
I even read messages where he was telling her how loaded I was and that he won’t have to work again and that THEY will all be better off if she just holds on...
I never had a seizure again. I have my son back, I got divorced VERY quick, I had a prenup (I do have much more money than him) so he didn’t get a penny - even though he really tried to, i now am 10wks pregnant with twins, have a supportive, hard working, strong man who adores me and my son as though he’s his own.
I do have lasting health issues from the stress though - my memory is severely affected because of where in my brain my seizures were happening. Can be a blessing, can be a curse! I walk past family members or bff’s from school in the high street and don’t have a clue who they are, so almost feel like I have to wear a neon sign saying “I have brain damage, I may not remember you!! Don’t be offended!!!”
I also now have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia - it’s manageable with yoga, exercise and calm living.

I know exactly what stage you are at in your head and it’s so tough to even read. Please, please, please know that it WILL get better. There are lots of us women (and men!) who know what you are going through. The realisation stage is freeing but terrifying. Validation isn’t always sweet, it’s painful and shocking.
But there will be a rainbow.

Feel free to pm me if you want.

Sending you all the strength in the world. X

I would have slapped her round her face and told them both to leave

Something is going on don't be a mug honey

OMG @DieBabySharkDie!
That was awful for you! I'm sure I'm not alone in being glad that you've come through it and are so much happier.
And I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping your ex is getting all the misery and nastiness he deserves-his ex wife too. Thoroughly nasty pieces of work.
for you and congratulations on the twins!

DieBabyShark - wow - that is a seriously traumatic experience you had! So glad the neurologist was able to tell you what was what and help you get out of a potentially lethal situation. Such a relief but omg!

Girlsgone - glad you've come to a realisation that has led you to a decision.

Contrary to some posters' belief, I don't think anyone's experience or advice on here would lead anyone to wantonly abandon their own marriage unless they truly felt that was the only route. I have a better opinion of posters' mental abilities!

But shared experience can help immensely - often people very alone when they're in a bad marriage, especially abusive ones. Knowing that others have been through similar can be very comforting, and taking advice on how to proceed can save a lot of pain and heartache.

Good luck Girlsgone - change your name to "Girlsgonewild" and get everything ready for your new life.

Thanks ThumbsWitches and Dexter.

Karma is a bitch so I can happily report that while I eventually got my happy ever after, my exH is living in his mum’s loft! I’m told he and his exW got back together briefly enough for her to get pregnant again, then got in a major physical fight and the police were called, he was arrested, she had stabbed herself in the leg by accident (aiming for him apparently!), he broke his FINGER in the fight and ultimately signed himself off of work for “rehab” ever since. Which is probably because he will be fired as soon as he returns due to his arrest (type of job will not allow it! Kind of job where regular drug tests and perfectly clean criminal records and driving licenses are crucial!).
So now he doesn’t see his kids at all, never met the baby (I think he/she must be about 1yr now?) and plays computer games in his mum’s loft all day...
In the early days I did see him occasionally “drive past” my new house, in the middle of nowhere... must’ve really hurt seeing me running around playing in my 2acre garden with my son and new partner! We had even looked at it when we were still (barely) together, so he knows exactly what I bought myself!
Occasionally I even feel a bit of pity for him. Then I slap myself and become sane again!
As I said, karma is a BITCH!

We now have a 7ft wall around the perimeter so no one can see in anyway, but I doubt he still does drive bys... who knows! Who cares!
Op, you won’t one day either xxx

And you are the thread police because I disagree with the dramatics? Wow

Well, quite, @Leighhalfpennysthigh.

Looks like some pp are failing to see the thread is about OP, not you. You have posted logically, constently, & fairly as far as I can see - but as your views don't agree with the majority, obviously you should go & sit on the Naughty Step & think about what you have done ...

I also agree that the "he's a cheating bastard, he's entirely responsible for OP's feelings & actions!" isn't helpful. In fact, it's patronising, short-sighted & limiting, rather than freeing, to OP's sense of selfhood.

Anyone in OP's current tenuous position is going to be feeling insecure & anxious.
And THAT is the primary issue OP needs to address. Whether she finally LTB is her decision alone ... but as a priority, she needs some real life support, preferably in the form of a shit-hot therapist & a rottweiler lawyer.

Also some real life friends/family, but as she's already told us she's feeling too embarrased to oopen up in RL yet, it's even more vital she sorts out the therapist & lawyer asap.

I think today is the day OP had set aside for the necessary 'ducks in a row' documents etc.
If so - @girlsgonetame ... hope sorting out a practical job is helping your sense of purpose & self-determination. It will REALLY help you to find & talk to the professionals I mentioned. They will help you to correctly inform yourself how you stand in practical terms, & how you support yourself emotionally through this period of change.

I would have slapped her round her face and told them both to leave

Why? Surely DH would have been the better slap-recipient?
She could hardly have walked into the marital home iwthout HIS invitation, could she?

I’m late to this particular party. I did attempt to RTFT, but admittedly lacked the patience to scroll through the screeds of tedious, sanctimonious argument from PPs convinced they hold the moral last-word on personal relationships (and showing scant interest in the OP). A woman’s life just fell apart, she’s clearly devastated and posted on here for a bit of advice and support, to be confronted with what? Post after aggressive, rude post of users castigating other users (along with the entirety of this site’s user base), regurgitating their endless self-justification and the importance of their own views while debasing ad nauseum those who either disagree or have criticised their behaviour.

Rarely have I ever read such a self-obsessed thread on Mumsnet. Two things are very clear: one is that it’s populated by the kind of member (and particular PPs do stand out from the crowd) who attracts the (usually unfairly) negative impression of this site sometimes mentioned on the www. And two: the moral high ground commandeered here is not a place these people can safely occupy.

OP - there’s little to add to the many responses you’ve already received here, other than that I’m very sorry you find yourself in such a painful position, and add another internet stranger’s full support and sympathy to the voices already here. There’s a tough road ahead for you no matter what you decide, but whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation here, what your husband has done to you amounts to nothing short of mental cruelty. I wish you the best of strength and happiness as you try to move forward with your life. You deserve very much better than this. I hope you find it.

Greentlyellowredblue - Yes I read the "fucking thread"
All of it in fact.
What I think is pretty irrelevant because it's not my marriage that's being dissected here by strangers

Myotherprofie - no, I'm not anybody else.

I don't necessarily agree with things certain people have said but calling people out because they have a different view to you is actually quite pathetic and it's not helpful.
I appreciate that the op says she's talked to her husband. She also spent half the night messaging her husbands workmate too.

When I said talk to him, I meant just that.
Him. Nobody else. Don't involve anyone because if you suspect your husband is having an affair and someone says "Yes I think so too" then in your mind it's a full blown conclusion that's what is happening, when in fact it may not actually be what's going on.

Oh and I'd suggest to those of you who are getting irate and on the attack, read the replies from the OP again.
All of them.
And then have a long hard think if this man is really having an affair or if their relationship is in a dreadful state because he's constantly being accused of having an affair.

@messolini9 thanks. That naughty step is giving me piles

Highly ironic that the thread seems to have now been derailed by people complaining about the initial derailment

From the start I have offered the op advice. But I do believe the best advice is to step away from the thread at this point (well about 23 pages ago actually) because this will be messing with her emotions ten times more.

Imagine being a crowded room full of strangers, telling them your problem then having them all scream their varied opinions, heckling you etc. Stressful doesn't cover it.

Highly ironic that the thread seems to have now been derailed by people complaining about the initial derailment

Could equally shoot back that it's doubly ironic that the thread is continuing to derail by people posting about people complaining about the initial derailment ... but, Lawks, no! that would get far too metaphysical @catspyjamas.

And I completely agree your point about 'a crowded room full of strangers".

Am also sure that after an initial reeling in shock, OP can filter out what is useful TO HER & ignore anything she thinks is nonsense.Including this post. :)

to OP, who I am not name-checking as she doesn't need any more notifications appearing in her inbox.

This whole thread is MN at its worst.

OP.

How are you, OP?