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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 21/08/2019 10:25

For goodness sake 'ladies', just stop bickering and making this thread about yourselves. Do you really think that the OP has the energy to read through all your posts squabbling amongst each other. She came here to offload and seek advice. You've said your piece. You disagree with each other. Fine. Time to move on.

RockinHippy · 21/08/2019 10:36

This reply has been deleted

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Iamdobby63 · 21/08/2019 11:19

Three pages of posters arguing amongst themselves, not helpful.

catofdoom · 21/08/2019 12:59

Give your heads a bloody wobble and message each other if you need to argue.

Poor op's world is falling apart and some of you are point scoring, you should be ashamed.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/08/2019 13:03

Ahh the virtuous ones have arrived. Still anything to fill this thread up and shut it down.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 21/08/2019 13:49

Hi all,
It does seem that this thread has become somewhat derailed. Could we ask that from now on everyone posts with supporting the OP in mind, please?

YouJustDoYou · 21/08/2019 14:15

Nasty posters aside, how are you doing so far today op?

magoria · 21/08/2019 14:30

Unfortunately OP it doesn't look like you are on the same page in your marriage as he had shown with his attitude towards you and walking out.

Make sure you take care of yourself and put you and DC first. You deserve better than this.

NewStarterPack · 21/08/2019 14:56

OP, I don't think your DH is having a physical affair, but he is having a MLC and an emotional affair.

She's in her 20's, good looking and married. He's 51, her boss and middle management. People have sucked up to their bosses since the beginning of time, she's just taking it to another level. I bet she tells her DH how Jeff, her boss fancies her and she's going to milk it all she can. She's probably selfish and doesn't give a shit what you think, she's got her own ambitions. I don't know why some of the women on here think a 20-something looker would be interested in a 51 year old man. I only know of one person with an age gap like that and she has massive self esteem and daddy issues. Between 55-60 most men start looking like your grandad and she will be mid-30's and then 40+ something when he is 70. I doubt she wants to trade in her young nubile DH for your manopausal DH.

Your problem is not HER, but him. She's not interested. I promise you. In fact, if you keep messaging her and/or he makes a pass at her she'll be straight to HR for sexual harassment. Which brings me to my next point. I would threaten him with going to his HR about their behaviour to make him crap himself. Also, chances are he will end up with a HR issue if he's not careful.

He's gaslighting you, making you believe you are unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing - classic DH caught out behaviour.

Even if he hasn't been dipping his wick I's still bin him off. You deserve better. Your state of mind is such because you think he holds all the cards. He doesn't. You don't have anything to lose by talking to a solicitor. He is actually the one who has the most to lose, not you.

I say this as someone who is having problems with my DH and have checked out my own rights etc. I totally get about not going until you re ready etc. You owe him NOTHING. Get your ducks in order so he can't sucker punch you. I've told my own DH that if I ever get a whiff of an affair (emotional or physical) he's gone immediately.

sayalittlerayer · 21/08/2019 15:06

Been watching this
I'd be distraught, I'd be lost, I'd be an utter mess, I'd be feeling things I'd never would of thought I'd felt....
Then I'd feel like like showing the fucker what I was made of....
Then I'd feel free, then I'd feel me, then I'd feel I would do what makes me happy and leave the sad, disillusioned, little low life to live his life to the point he regretted all his decisions.
And then I would have peace, my moment.....my happiness, my truth...my look back at life moment and thought lol, your a twat, your a loser, my god I thankful and I found out you and lived my life without you

NewStarterPack · 21/08/2019 15:29

These men are so f£king deluded. I am sitting here thinking of similar scenarios. I actually know one women who is mid 40's and DH is 65. She has 2 DC under 10 with him and got together in an affair scenario. She wants her DC to have loads of extra curricular stuff and he won't/ can't pay for it because these 2 DC are his 4th/5th and he's broke from the divorce and maintenance. He's desperate to retire and she's fuming because he can't afford anything for her DC although his others had everything. She's got to go back to work f/t, oh the horror. He looks like her dad whilst she is still a v. good looking woman.

This is off piste OP but he is more likely to end up alone in some one bed flat than with his good looking, "perfect woman" who clearly wants him because he is such a catch. He's seriously and utterly deluded.

Justaboy · 21/08/2019 15:49

NewStarterPack If she knew that then what did she shack up with him anyway?.

RockinHippy · 21/08/2019 15:58

Been watching this
^I'd be distraught, I'd be lost, I'd be an utter mess, I'd be feeling things I'd never would of thought I'd felt....
Then I'd feel like like showing the fucker what I was made of....
Then I'd feel free, then I'd feel me, then I'd feel I would do what makes me happy and leave the sad, disillusioned, little low life to live his life to the point he regretted all his decisions.
And then I would have peace, my moment.....my happiness, my truth...my look back at life moment and thought lol, your a twat, your a loser, my god I thankful and I found out you and lived my life without^

Excellent post saya

This with bells on. Been there done that a few times in my life & this is exactly how it goes

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 21/08/2019 16:03

Mmm. Today I'm sad. Today I know it's over. Today's the day I cry and eat and cry some more. Tomorrow I'm getting organised.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 21/08/2019 16:06

That's the spirit girls you have to grieve, it's a loss of what you hoped that you had. But this is no way to live & you will be so much happier in the end. 💐💐💐

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 21/08/2019 16:07

Totally accepting at this point that it doesn't matter who has done what to whom. The marriage is over. It's beyond repairing and I won't honestly be able to cope and to move on and pretend to be happy families.

For what it's worth I don't believe anything physical has happened. Think of that what you will. I accept I am not blameless, I know my jealousy has caused problems, not immediately but over the years. I accept that the things he has said to me are beyond my level of forgiveness. We are not good together.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 21/08/2019 16:07

& you've got this x

RockinHippy · 21/08/2019 16:11

That's a fantastic place to start girls. It sounds to me like your already half way there with getting over it, as you see there no point in it & nothing you can do. It takes some people a while to get there. Though living with his behaviour of late, it's not surprising you feel that way as he just hasn't made you happy.

Spoil yourself today, cry it out & then as you say get organised & start planning that happier life x

KeziaOAP · 21/08/2019 16:12

Feeling sad for you, take care of you and DCs Flowers

gruffalomom · 21/08/2019 16:13

What rockinhippy said. Flowers

MrsMozartMkII · 21/08/2019 16:19

Sending a handhold lass.

Rethymnon · 21/08/2019 16:29

Take care OP. I actually think you come across as totally honest and there is such strength in that. You have a lot of self-insight and are clearly a kind, intelligent, thoughtful person. You don’t need to lie to yourself. Nobody can take this away from you.

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 21/08/2019 16:31
Flowers
messolini9 · 21/08/2019 16:34

So glad you have reached a place where you can start making concrete decisions for your own happiness & wellbeing, OP.

Commiserations AND congratulations.
You're right - it really doesn't matter who did what to who.
What matters is that you're unhappy, he's clearly unhappy - altho' that is no longer your problem - & that you are taking steps to free both of you from a recurrent cycle of suspicion, concealment, jealousy & hurtful words.

Keep looking forward :)

NewStarterPack · 21/08/2019 16:43

It's not jealousy though is it?

Your intuition told you something was not right, then you found her in your house and he then admitted his feelings.

If you think your jealousy caused this he's done a good job on you. He's given you lots of reasons to doubt him. He's a liar.

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