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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car"

OP posts:

ScrimshawTheSecond · 21/08/2019 16:46

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2019 16:53

Look after yourself Girls.

It's OK to be sad.

64sNewName · 21/08/2019 16:53

AnyFucker · 21/08/2019 16:58

I am glad to see you coming to some sort of resolution, op. This situation has been intolerable for some time and it has been grinding you down bit by bit.

Onward and upward. It's got to be better than what you have been living with.

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 21/08/2019 16:58

@NewStarterPack I was right this time
I've been wrong a couple of times.
I know I have done some wrong things. I know he's in the wrong this time though. He is. But that doesn't excuse everything I've done in the past... but nor does it excuse what he has done now. I don't want history to repeat itself though

OP posts:

nowayhose · 21/08/2019 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pursefirst · 21/08/2019 17:14

Christ @nowayhose read the fucking whole thread

Iamdobby63 · 21/08/2019 17:14

To be honest you know enough, you know he tried to make it seem like you were unreasonably jealous when in fact the only thing that has possibly stopped him taking it further was the OW.

I am sorry for you, for what it’s worth I think it’s your only option as I don’t see how you could move forward from this.

Natasha4767 · 21/08/2019 17:16

OP how do you know you weren't right the times on the last you talk about? An he didn't just manage to pull the wool over your eyes? Gut feelings should be believed more.

Iamdobby63 · 21/08/2019 17:19

girlsgonetame You’ve mentioned a couple of times about your past jealousy, what brought those about?

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 17:24

@girlsgonetame please don't blame yourself.
This is his midlife crisis - you being paranoid doesn't force someone to do what he has done.

You might have flaws and not always been perfect - still doesn't make this your fault.

Once you're living separately etc, please take the time to find yourself again. Go out and have fun. Enjoy living.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 21/08/2019 17:25

OP you found out ‘this’ time due to your intuition. Your husband may well have had other affairs over the years, your intuition led you to the truth this time- perhaps it wasn’t wrong in the past- perhaps you just couldn’t prove it!

catofdoom · 21/08/2019 17:26

I may be wrong but maybe he was gaslighting you those times too?

And whatever, if your jealously was real and enough of an issue he should have left you. Not behaved in the appalling way he has.

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 21/08/2019 17:26

The first time there was nothing suspicious, the woman he worked with was just pretty. I got quite obsessed thinking about the amount of time they'd spend together (at work). I know I was being unreasonable. Without a doubt. He was really reassuring and good to me. I tried really hard after that but I am a jealous person. This time it was different because his behaviour changed so much. There were loads of little differences. He was moodier and distant, looking at his phone a lot, more texting, better sex, going to the gym, he never mentioned her at all.

OP posts:

catofdoom · 21/08/2019 17:27

Yep. Very easily could have just been your spidey senses and the fucker didn't get found out.

He did it in the end though anyway so you can't be that off the mark/stupid.

Spotify82 · 21/08/2019 17:34

OP I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. He's a liar and he's cheating. I wouldn't believe a word and I wouldn't let him blame you for being jealous or that bull crap men pull. I'm hope something good happens for you. This stupid man deserves to be sucker punched in the mouth.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/08/2019 17:35

All you can do now is try and move on and get some help with your own issues so you can go into any future relationships with a more positive frame of mind. Good luck. I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.

Iamdobby63 · 21/08/2019 17:39

I’m sure most of us have had those insecurities at some point. Sadly regardless if he was actually doing anything it would appear your intuition was telling you that ultimately you couldn’t trust him.

What is your plan? Is he staying away?

Also if you are not keen on talking to people in RL it may benefit you into starting a thread in relationships for the next phase and practical advice.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 21/08/2019 17:53

Girls it is good to be reflective, but please don't beat yourself up. It is where it is today because of his actions, his words, his deeds. Turns out your jealousy had a foundation in reality.

If it is something you'd like to work on for the future, put it on your ToDo List, but for now, just be. Just be you, even though that you is sad. The rest will come. Soon you will find your strength, sending you a strong back to lean on in the meantime. and

Ridiclious · 21/08/2019 18:51

Regardless of the OPs jealousy if you have a problem in your marriage you can choose to talk about it or leave. Cheating NEVER solves the problem.

howdyalikemenow · 21/08/2019 19:01

So sorry to see you go through this op. But take some time to work out a plan. Yes your marriage is over but don't panic and what needs doing. One day at a time!

Rethymnon · 21/08/2019 19:33

OP, I really don’t think you should label yourself as the “jealous type”. I think, by and large, the “type” you become is dependent on the type of relationship you’re in. For instance, before DH, I had a brief relationship with a man that made me feel insecure in that way. He was nothing particularly special, looking back, but when you’re with someone who you know would “go there” if given half a chance, you just know this instinctively and you can’t shake it. He never actually cheated on me, as far as I know, but I knew in my core that he had it in him. Life with him would have turned me inside out and I would have constantly lived in a state of anxiety and mistrust.

Now, with DH, I can say I trust him more than I trust myself to be honest..He’s not perfect, by any means, but trust has never been an issue, even though he employs hundreds of women. Not even once.

So I would have been a different person in a different relationship. I’m sure you would be too.,

Cryalot2 · 21/08/2019 19:40

Op forget your jealousy, this has nothing to with it, no matter what he says..
He is way off line and you deserve better than that. Please speak to someone like a councillor and talk things through on your own .

billy1966 · 21/08/2019 19:55

OP, in most marriages both parties can make mistakes, particularly when a marriage has gone on for years.

Lots of mistakes can be thoughtfulness and not deliberate and after some irritation we get over ourselves and motor on.
You need to be able to get over yourself at times in marriage and let things go.

Your husband's words have been very brutal re his feelings for this woman.

I can't imagine getting over them at all, even if he hadn't yet managed to have sex with her.

His gesture with her arm in the kitchen would probably kill my marriage on its own, and I am married a long time.

Mind yourself OP, and be kind to yourself.

gamesanddaisychains · 21/08/2019 21:29

Hello Op, I feel such empathy for you and understand that you don't want to go with the knee-jerk reaction of leaving your OH with no view of how your future will pan out.. Sometimes you have to step back and consider your options, and you seem to be aware of this.

No matter how worldly wise your husband thinks he is, and he has behaved and treated you appallingly, he sounds a bit like a pathetic, naive older man that is in the thrall of a younger 'prick tease' who is quite aware of how attractive she is and uses this for her own advancement.. I would not be at all surprised if he isn't the first one that she has used like this. It would be interesting to find out how she was viewed at her last place of employment, or indeed by her colleagues.

Hold in there, take no notice of the baying for blood mentality, you may decide after weighing everything up that your marriage isn't worth the heartache - or that the heartache dissipates and you can live a fulfilling independant life while still being married, you wouldn't be the first who takes this path.

Until then take some time out for you, look after yourself, hold your head up and consider your future. Best wishes for you

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