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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this my fault?

244 replies

mmmcflurrys · 18/08/2019 17:06

Today I was dropping my step children, both girls aged 6&7 back to their mums.

Their mum has a little boy who was in hospital for a few days with tonsillitis, so kids were staying with us and then both nan and great nan (her side). So on the way they said "Did you know me and sis got a taxi on our own when baby was poorly" I said "Ooh that's an exciting experience, how did you feel?" 6 year old said she was a bit scared whereas 7 year old didn't care. It was about a 10 minute journey from Nan's to great nans.

I gave DP a call after dropping them off just to let him know which has now escalated to him and his ex arguing and her saying the kids can't come away with us on Thursday. DP said this is my fault for telling him as I knew how he would react and nothing good would have came from it.

AIBU to have told him what his kids told me? I thought as he is their dad he should know but maybe I am wrong?

OP posts:
confusedat30 · 19/08/2019 02:17

Isn't that neglect? Who the hell puts kids into a taxi alone?! I'd be calling the authorities if it was children that I knew

Jux · 19/08/2019 02:39

People saying "oh kids to technology taxis every day " - aren't those organised by the Council? Different to any old cab picked up by a private individual.

Jux · 19/08/2019 02:42

OP, does your on often make up stupid hypothsticals and then blame you for the pretend outcome?

StoppinBy · 19/08/2019 02:42

I think the fact that you rang him to tell him rather than just mentioned it in passing when you saw him and happened to be talking about the kids suggests that you were trying to cause trouble and that you were actually 'dobbing' on her. Probably unneeded on your end to be honest.

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2019 05:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 07:07

sotired yeah, what a shame your ex and his partner are concerned about your kids isnt it? Wouldn't it be soooo much better if they didnt give a shit?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 07:11

And in pretty sure most posters here would want to know if their ex and new partner had done this to their kids.
Also if this was a mum whod found out and kicked off at a dad itd be fine because it would be assumed it was genuine concern and not shit stirring. Wonder why that is!

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 07:17

"She won't ask for help because she's too many orientated"

Well maybe your prick (because of the holiday gaslighting update) of a DP should say 'I can see you've got a lot on your plate, I'll take the girls until you've got things sorted. Don't worry about the maintenance, I'll still pay as normal - just gives you one less thing to worry about.'
Rather than expect her to get on her knees and ask for help in looking after HIS children.

Maybe she isn't money orientated. Maybe she relies on that money to pay her rent...

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 07:17

*money not many Blush

CherryPavlova · 19/08/2019 07:17

I’m afraid your motivation wasn’t pure.You we’re stirring unnecessarily. The woman had to do something if granny didn’t drive. Children go to school in taxis everyday from a very young age. Lots of companies have DBS checked drivers; most bigger companies, in fact. You could check when booking and use a company that does school runs.

flashdancer19 · 19/08/2019 07:34

Your issue is about DO blaming you? Shouldn't your issue be the safety of the children? SS are involved?

All I see here are parents and ate parents at war...

As for your DH saying that his ex was stopping the children going on holiday and that being a lie, well that's just unbelievable.

Is anyone in this situation actually worried about the children? No you're worried that DP who sounds like he's a complete knob blaming you, he's worried that you e deliberately wound him up, DPs ex is worried about money and in reality no one has mentioned the children.

Angrybird123 · 19/08/2019 07:54

If your partner really would drop maintenance because you had them for a few extra days due to an emergency then that looks pretty bad frankly. At first I agreed that (whilst I think there was nothing wrong with the taxi ride) it wasn't a big deal that you told him but from your updates it is increasingly clear that you don't like the ex and there is not a healthy coparenting relationship. However, none of that is relevant to your original op about your partner's reaction and blaming you which I think you know is completely wrong, twisted and weird. I'd be focusing far more on that and maybe trying to see his exs point of view a bit more.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2019 08:01

OP I can’t help but wonder if the direction this thread is going in I.e. focussing completely on the wrong point isn’t your doing because otherwise you have to face up to the fact that the ex and girls are actually pertinent here. And that your partner is a mean gaslighting twat
Because actually other than the update that makes it worse you don’t mention it. And it’s bad and has nothing to do with the ex or you being a step mum and everything to do with your relationship

katewhinesalot · 19/08/2019 08:11

It does all seem full of drama.

Sotiredofthislife · 19/08/2019 08:33

sotired yeah, what a shame your ex and his partner are concerned about your kids isnt it? Wouldn't it be soooo much better if they didnt give a shit?

My ex is a long term self employed maintenance avoider. He is supported in that endeavour by his girlfriend. He hasn’t Paid a penny in over 12 years now. They frequently take holidays and have property abroad but never take my children. They do spend an inordinate amount of timing analysing my every move and telling my kids why my latest move makes me a bad, bad, mum. They even went as far as to tell my children that it was my fault their beloved grandma was terminally ill.

In a nutshell, they don’t care about my children. They only care about what they consider I do wrong,

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2019 08:38

@confusedat30
"Isn't that neglect? Who the hell puts kids into a taxi alone?! I'd be calling the authorities if it was children that I knew"

SS and the Education Authorities use taxis to transport children. When you phone a taxi firm and tell them that children will be travelling unaccompanied, they use the approved taxi drivers.

Taxi drivers, from the UK go through more checks than Nursery Workers and TAs do.

If your taxi firm is a local one, then you get to know the drivers.

There's more sexual offences by education staff than properly licensed taxi drivers. I don't count taxi drivers from Africa etc because there's no such thing as a DBS and a background check from thise Countries that don't investigate sexual crimes.

OP you all need to stop the dramatic over response. The girls will clam up if you all don't. You have real issues with your DP that need addressing. You aren't responsible for his reactions and his lying to you to make a point. Him not caring how much he upsets you. Does he do that to the children?

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2019 08:40

"And that your partner is a mean gaslighting twat"

That's put it more simply than I did. Did his ex live with the emotional abuse as well?

Yabbers · 19/08/2019 08:46

the reason the child was ill was because 7yr old had tonsillitis first but they had too many doctors notes from fake illnesses so their mom didn't take her to the doctors as SS have been on her back about the amount of "illness"

Uhuh. You really don’t like her, do you. Yes, your husbands reaction was your fault. You knew it, you shit stirred. HTH

Yabbers · 19/08/2019 08:48

And that your partner is a mean gaslighting twat

She tells him something that really isn’t a problem, really isn’t her business, because she wanted to cause more problems for the ex, and because she knew he would kick off, and you you accuse him of gaslighting?

Those kids deserve better than this family.

KUGA · 19/08/2019 08:49

No not your fault.
Tell him that you wont be telling him anything again what his children say.
And leave it at that.
I`m also pretty sure if they told him and he told you he would be miffed knowing you knew all along.

Sometimes you just can`t win.

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 09:07

She tells him something that really isn’t a problem

She passed on something that is a problem potentially, because (a) one of the children told her she was scared and (b) no-one knows what, if any, precautions the ex took to ensure the children were safe.

But really this is missing the point. The point is that OP's partner viewed it as a problem which he chose to raise with his ex, and he's now choosing to blame OP for his reactions. And that is clearly not acceptable behaviour on his part.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2019 09:28

Yabbers Yes because no matter what her motives were he has to own his reaction. Then lying to her about what the ex said to see her reaction (both presumably to fuel her hatred of the ex more and apologise) is awful awful behaviour that isn’t her fault

The problem is the OP has created all this drama and deflection about the kids and the ex because really her own relationship is a mess and has noth8ng to do with the ex

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:40

sotired well that is shit, but with respect isn't comparable with this situation.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:42

yabbers

what has her dislike got to do with it?

I dislike dps ex, I also think shes a shit parent. I don't think shes a shit parent because I dislike her though. I think she's a shit parent because like op I think she has made questionable choices which I would not have done.

You can be concerned with someones parenting for other reasons than because you think they are a twat.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:44

and yabbers a lot of parents actually would consider this a problem. It also is her business because she's clearly involved. After all it was HER picking them up, wasn't it. If its none of her business then she shouldn't be involved AT ALL.

Funny how she is allowed to be involved when the parents need a favour, isn't it.

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