Is this my fault?

[mmmcflurrys]

Today I was dropping my step children, both girls aged 6&7 back to their mums.

Their mum has a little boy who was in hospital for a few days with tonsillitis, so kids were staying with us and then both nan and great nan (her side). So on the way they said "Did you know me and sis got a taxi on our own when baby was poorly" I said "Ooh that's an exciting experience, how did you feel?" 6 year old said she was a bit scared whereas 7 year old didn't care. It was about a 10 minute journey from Nan's to great nans.

I gave DP a call after dropping them off just to let him know which has now escalated to him and his ex arguing and her saying the kids can't come away with us on Thursday. DP said this is my fault for telling him as I knew how he would react and nothing good would have came from it.

AIBU to have told him what his kids told me? I thought as he is their dad he should know but maybe I am wrong?

@Yabbers the reason the child was ill was because 7yr old had tonsillitis first but they had too many doctors notes from fake illnesses so their mom didn't take her to the doctors as SS have been on her back about the amount of "illness" . HTH

You were BU to tell him, unless it was conversational, in passing, which it wasn't, it was clearly communicated as a Big Deal. And he was BU to react as he did.

Well, your DP’s reaction was very odd. To then come up with this “hypothetical situation” where his ex has said the children can’t come is bizarre. What was he trying to prove or achieve?? He sounds unpleasant and if this his usual behaviour, I would be having a long conversation about the need for that to change or the relationship would be over.

You do sound like you are glad to have something to criticise your step daughter’s mother about though- the insinuations that she is a far inferior parent to you does sound quite like you were pleased to have something negative to report to him. I suspect that is why you called him so quickly to relay the information.

I do think it was fair enough to tell him, but I think it could have formed part of general conversation rather than an immediate update. All that said, your DP’s reaction is not your look out as he’s an adult who should be able to control himself- so that is not your fault.

I don’t know whether ex has a partner- but if not, she may not have had anyone to stay with DC in hospital. So, whilst she might not meet your standards, it may not be neglect. Presumably if she is an absolutely awful parent your DH would be fighting for full custody?

On a cautionary note, whilst it may well be true that you have every reason to dislike your partner’s ex-partner, she is still your DSD’s mother. Children pick up on criticism/contempt from your attitude- though many adults think they do a wonderful job of hiding it and “the children never know”. Mostly, they do. It often causes issues for those children and relationships with their parents and step-parents. I say this from close (but not personal) experience. Of course, that works both ways and applies to the children’s mother too. I mention it as the playing top trumps isn’t useful to this situation. Nor is the contempt for her inferior parenting, which is quite obvious, is quite blatant. The taxi thing is perhaps not what many would do, though around here many parents do use contracted taxi’s to get children to school (arrangement with local authority), and maybe not ideal. But it’s not THAT bad either.

Nope. Not a shit stirrer either, unlike some.

Every post you make is a chance to have a further dig at their Mum, and prove my point that the 2 girls are more mature than you.

Drip, drip, drip.

So now SS are involved????

Because apparently Drs give out notes for fake illnesses @Crunchymum.

All this tells me is why the girls told you and not their dad (or mom that youngest was scared) as they clearly mishandle and escalate things!
Glad they had you to tell.
Case of shooting the messenger @mmmcflurrys

'Please dont try and belittle me because i care about my childs welfare and have different preferences to you'

I care about my children’s welfare. Deeply. Unfortunately as a single mum, no living parents and no siblings, sometimes I have to make difficult choices. It doesn’t help when holier than thou step mum thinks she should report everything she has —incorrectly— heard to my ex. Indeed, my lovely children plotted together to never mention a couldn’t be avoided emergency a couple of years ago because they knew my ex would unnecessarily kick off. His behaviour - and that of their step mum - whereby they slag off my every move and analyse my life to the nth detail in front of my children - have caused massive mistrust. So they just don’t tell him anything. Not great, is it?

I think those hired for school contracts are at least DBS checked

Anyone driving a licensed taxi will have been DBS checked.

I can’t believe after having read this whole thread, not one PP has brought up the fact that a six year old told the OP she was scared in the taxi!!
That’s all that needs to be said @mmmcflurrys - you passed on that vital information as you’d have no place to be reporting it to the mom, so you reported it to the dad.
End of!

@VenusTiger thanks for seeing my point. I have a good relationship with the girls and it was the 6 year old who mentioned it so I figured she wanted to let me know how she felt

@Sotiredofthislife just because someone has a clear DBS doesn't mean they won't do any harm? She didn't feel comfortable which Is presumably why she told me about it.

I think it says a lot about your partner to think that his ex-p could not bring herself in an emergency situation to call him and ask him to help with their daughters

It’s not as if she was off for a night out.

@mmmcflurrys that’s okay - sometimes when I read these threads I get so frustrated by all the bitchiness, or people completely misreading things!
A little girl told you she was scared and you rightly told her dad - doesn’t matter what it was she was scared of - you had to tell him. Just a bloody shame the dad has now probably made her feel like she can’t open up to anyone!
He needs to hear this btw - those kids are not pawns - if they’ve chosen to tell you, or the postman their troubles, then both parents need to listen and chill the F out!

@CilantroChili sorry, don't mean to be rude, but can you not read?

She didn't speak to the kids for a whole week, we had the kids our usual days and her mom and nan had them the other days. We're not allowed any extra days as she wants her child maintenance! So no, she won't ask for help as she is money orientated.

@VenusTiger luckily the kids aren't really dazed by it and usually use me as the messenger! She's quite shy and she feels she can open up to me about how she feels and I like that. She knows I'm gonna tell her dad and she doesn't care, she likes it to come from me if that makes any sense?

@mmmcflurrys it totally makes sense - you’re obviously calmer and more approachable as the parents have other stuff going on.... good for you. Make sure to explain to DP that you care for them and don’t ever want to keep things from him. His outburst was misfired and not intended to be aimed at you, but still, once he’s calmed down, ask if he wants you to keep further stuff from him.

@mmmcflurrys before your updates I was going by your op with the "just to let him know" and was going to say you were def not in the wrong and that your dp sounds awful. After reading your updates I'd say you both sound awful

You really are a peach OP and you're doing yourself no favours with your updates.
Quizzing your DPs children like that just to get some more ammo is really shit. I see where you've said they 'opened' up to you but, really, you're not going to say anything else, are you.
And the "and how did that make you feel" from you. Classic.

I think it is a pretty common scenario really. Partner of dad/mum who has no real power but wants to or who feel anger towards the ex with no way to manage it other than through their partner.

Real concern doesn't read the way YOU carry on OP. I see you.

Read OP, thought YWNBU. Read your updates, think YABU and completely false. As a previous poster said, real concern does not read the way your posts do.

'Sometimes when I read these threads I get so frustrated by all the bitchiness'.

I would say that the OP has definitely demonstrated some bitchiness in her posts.

atlasta that's harsh. The taxi was from the nans to the great nans so wasn't so the mum could rush off to hospital at that moment so the dad or OP aren't responsible for that.
I'd be concerned if it was my dds being sent in a taxi alone. A regular taxi don't have the clearance to be with youug children alone and I'd have got the taxi with them personally especially if one of the dds was scared.

OP isn't responsible for her dh mouthing off and was in an impossible situation as if dh found out she knew and didn't tell she would be in the firing line.

Also the mum is out of order for using her children as a prize to be taken at her will. He is there dad and no doubt they have bee looking forward to their holiday as well.

Op you are not responsible for 2 grown adults acting like children. It's obvious to see why these 2 are divorced if this is how they deal with issues.

Why ring him straight away to tell him?
You were knowingly causing trouble here.
Yabu

'Also the mum is out of order for using her children as a prize to be taken at her will. He is there dad and no doubt they have bee looking forward to their holiday as well.'

Read the updates. Mum has not said that the children cannot go on holiday.