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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to fund DH?

284 replies

Lemonbubbles · 18/08/2019 13:38

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 18/08/2019 19:21

His comments about you replacing the money he shouldn’t have taken is beyond a joke. I’d separate your accounts and just ask him to give you his share and then any extras he has to find for himself. Or leave.

timshelthechoice · 18/08/2019 19:28

He won't sell the large items, he won't get another job to increase his income he can pay towards debt, he won't take debt advice. No, instead he wants to spend as he likes and have teh OP pay his debts from her savings OR against the house. WTAF? He's a loser who will bleed you dry, OP. You don't know where it's all gone, that's a huge red flag. It's very likely you don't even know the extent of how much debt he is in.

His response to you is childish and entitled. Just no more joint account, cancel the overdraft at the least. Tell him it's time to split and see a solicitor.

bobsyourauntie · 18/08/2019 19:28

green tulips Credit cards are never joint, there is always a primary card holder and a secondary cardholder, but the primary cardholder is responsible for the debt? So if FIL was the primary cardholder then I think that debt should also die with him? (UK law).

Mix56 · 18/08/2019 19:32

So, he could repay more, work harder/more, sell his stuff, stop spending on his sport... but would rather you just paid it off for him;
I would tell him he can pay it off with half the equity from the sale of your house, & boot to touch.
This is never going to end

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/08/2019 19:35

If DH called me a fuckwit, he'd be leaving. Either temporarily until we'd completed some counselling and I decided I wanted to stay with him, or permanently. I would not want to be disrespected like that.

If you have no kids, I'd see a solicitor and get out of the marriage. Having children does put a pressure on things financially and I would think very hard before committing to children if you don't have them already.

NewNewNewNew · 18/08/2019 19:41

This guy is a pathetic loser.
If you stay with him you deserve everything that happens to you.
I really hope you listen to the other posters and take on their advice.
He will bring you down and into debt and poverty.
Think about your kid and the life you'll have with this loser around.

theWarOnPeace · 18/08/2019 19:42

He’s taking you for such a fool! Unbelievable.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/08/2019 19:49

He has no respect for you OP.

The fact that he has enough money for his own enjoyment to last a month but goes through it and then expects you to sub him for the rest of the month is appalling.

Please leave him for your and your DC’s sanity

nettie434 · 18/08/2019 19:55

He's not making any extra money, just ensuring he makes the minimum repayments.

Agree with other posters that this will not work for him because it takes years and years and also presumes nothing is being done to increase the debt by buying more on credit. Consolidation loans, especially secured loans based on housing equity rarely work either.

Lots of relationships can survive one partner being more financially prudent than the other but what is a real warning sign here is that he won’t go to Stepchange or another debt charity and that he was so awful to you when you raised the situation with him.

LakieLady · 18/08/2019 20:00

I didn't say he has nothing to spare after bills and debt repayments - he just spends it within a few days. He always runs out and the majority of the month is spent saying he has nothing, even though he DID have a few hundred to himself to spend how he wished and look after himself with. I'm not upset there's nothing left after his necessary outgoings, but that there is and he burns through that too.

This is worrying imo. What is he spending his "spare" money on? Is it such a small amount that it can be spent in a few days on coffee and a newspaper, or is it a buying clothes/meals out sort of amount?

If the latter, imo he should be paying down his debt with it, not frittering it away. If he's getting through a significant amount in the first few days of the month, with nothing to show for it, I'd be wanting to know what he was spending it on, when it should be going on his debts. Could he be gambling, or taking drugs or something? (I ask this because I've had friends find out that partners/husbands have has issues with both of these)

If ever DP asked me what I spent my personal spending money on, I'd be able to tell him (books, clothes/shoes, skin care and having my hair done, mostly). Not that he'd ask, because I'm not an arsehole with money. And neither is he.

PuzzledObserver · 18/08/2019 20:22

What is he spending his "spare" money on? Is it such a small amount that it can be spent in a few days on coffee and a newspaper, or is it a buying clothes/meals out sort of amount?

OP said it was a few hundred and he goes through it in a few days. That’s not just coffees and newspapers.

If there’s nothing to show for it in terms of physical objects brought home, then who knows what it could be..... booze, drugs, gambling.... OP said she doesn’t really know how he has got into this amount of debt.

Anyway, the what is not really relevant. What’s relevant is that he will keep on doing it with OP’s money as long as he has access to the joint account.

PuzzledObserver · 18/08/2019 20:24

OP, how long have you been married? Was he already in debt when you got married, or is it more recent? How did you find out about his debts?

The more you say, the worse it sounds. Sorry. Flowers

sunnybeachtime · 18/08/2019 20:26

I'd bet he has a gambling/alochol/drug problem OP

Me and DH have £300 each of 'personal spending'. I buy clothes, books, coffees, luxury items out of it, and it lasts me all month. I also often buy my lunch at work etc.

If he's spending hundreds of pounds in a few days on nothing, something is very wrong.

sunnybeachtime · 18/08/2019 20:27

Sorry, £300 a MONTH

Cryalot2 · 18/08/2019 20:39

Flowers op. Get this right, none of it is your fault and he should never make you feel it is.
His behaviour is appalling. You need to leave him .
You could suggest that he bees totally honest about his money issues and what he spends all on and to go to professionals or cab or similar and apologise big time to you if he wants things to work out.
Good wishes.

simplekindoflife · 18/08/2019 20:45

Where is all his money going?? I think the debt you know about is just the tip of the iceberg.

DC3dilemma · 18/08/2019 20:50

Some people just charge through money (and credit) like water and think it’s no big deal.

You might not think it a deal breaker now @Lemmonbubbles but when he’s playing fast and loose with you and your children’s security it most definitely will be. You sound pretty sensible -being on such different pages financially is often fatal for a relationship. Lots of people get in debt young and learn a few lessons -it really doesn’t sound like he has learned from it. If he really wanted to move on and improve his financial circumstances, he’d be selling everything he could and living a frugal lifestyle. It doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all and I’ll bet that when time is up on the current debts you’ll find he’s secretly created more.

Beaverdam · 18/08/2019 20:54

You are married and its no linger your money. Its our money. I really do not understand this attitude that some couples have about money.

FilthyforFirth · 18/08/2019 20:57

Have my second ever ltb. I would not remotely condone this behaviour. His response to effectively stealing from you is appalling.

GreenTulips · 18/08/2019 20:59

Beaverdam

So you’d be happy for your other half to spend spend spend because it’s joint money?

What about responsibly?

messolini9 · 18/08/2019 21:00

You are married and its no linger your money. Its our money. I really do not understand this attitude that some couples have about money.

Then, if you are in a reationship, it is clearly not one in which your partner has racked up debt through overspending on fripperies to the tune of more than his net annual salary, @Beaverdam, or that he is expecting ing you to pay the debt for him, or re-mortgage your house, & stealing the monthly bill money, & calling you a fuckwit when you ask him not to.

Seeingadistance · 18/08/2019 21:06

MN is the only place I’ve seen this concept of “family money” or “our money”, and I find it really bizarre.

Two individuals do not become one person on marriage. They remain two distinct and autonomous individuals who can earn, save, spend, inherit, donate etc money as they individually choose. Married couples can and often do combine their finances in whole or in part, but it is not compulsory.

It would be epically foolish for the OP to fund her husband’s reckless spending just because he’s her husband. Why on earth would she do that?

Seeingadistance · 18/08/2019 21:08

And it’s not his net annual income that he’s squandered, but the gross, which is even worse!

Upanddownandroundagain · 18/08/2019 21:21

As a couple, it makes zero sense to have both expensive debt and savings. The fact you won’t handle this as a couple says that you 1) don’t trust him and 2) aren’t committed as a couple. It’s bizarre. I can understand you wanting separate finances, but this is something else.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/08/2019 21:25

I think the fact that the OP’s DH can’t account for the money he has spent, has not paid it back in the timeframe for the 0% interest and whistles through hundreds of pounds in a few days when he gets paid and then asks the OP to sub him explains quite a lot why the OP is reluctant to get any further into a financial quagmire that her H is leading her into withought any thought to he or his child.