Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

You need to put your foot down and tell him that nothing is withdrawn from the joint account. It's for bills only! Take his card from him.
He acting like a child so you'll have to treat him like one.

We talked about this a length a few months ago and I have the card, plus his credit cards. I almost felt like I was the one being abusive financially.

We only have the joint account so that we could both transfer IN, and then bills automatically come out. The idea was to keep our personal accounts separate. Today he's transferred it out into his personal account, and just sent me a message saying he hopes that's ok.

If you don’t have kids; I would be thinking long and hard about if I wanted to stay with him.

Get rid of the joint account and stop subsidising his lifestyle. He’s a cf.

Tell him to transfer the money back into the joint account; it’s not ok.

My advice is to close the joint account and get him to pay his share of the bills in to your own personal account so he can't touch the buffer for frivolous spending again. That way he also can't try and put it on you with comments such as 'hope it's ok' when he knows fine well himself it isn't. Don't let him accuse you of being a nag or controlling, this is his mess and he has to accept living a very restricted lifestyle for the foreseeable future.

He can't be trusted with money and doesn't show you much respect or gratitude by the sounds of it.

He'll never clear his debt if he's just making minimum payments, that will presumably be covering the interest only. What's his plan for increasing his earning potential to get rid of the balance itself.

How much is the debt and how did he run up so much of it?

you're a bigger person than me.
I don't think I could take on a man so shit with money.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me personally

We only have the joint account so that we could both transfer IN, and then bills automatically come out. The idea was to keep our personal accounts separate. Today he's transferred it out into his personal account, and just sent me a message saying he hopes that's ok.

It really shouldn't be OK. It's not, and he's taking the piss. When you pay off debt, you miss out on other things. That's life.

Five more years would drive me nuts.

What a nightmare! Married people shouldn’t have separate accounts ideally, but I think in your situation it’s very difficult. He needs to earn more money so that he can contribute equally and not feel bad about spending your money. Can he increase his hours?

He's a selfish Prick OP.

Was his debt from before you were a couple? What on Earth was he spending money on to end up in a situation where it’s going to take him 5+ years to pay it off?

Do you have kids? What would happen if you needed to stop working for whatever reason?

He needs to make more of an effort to pay his debt off faster otherwise your relationship isn’t going to last until he’s debt free.

You need to sit down and see exactly what he owes, what the interest rates are and how as a team you can sort this out.

First, no joint account, you don’t need him ruining your credit score.

Have a bills account he pays his share and you keep track.

He has two accounts, one he puts in money to cover his debts. The other is spending for daily or weekly expense. Petrol, nights out etc.

You have a savings account, a spending account and I would also have a fun account.

Yes to going out with friends more, take your mum to the pictures.

At the moment he really ain’t getting any consequence for his over spending as you pick up the slack.

Would it be easier to live separately?

I guess the biggest question is whether you see yourself having a future together.

If the answer is yes, then I think you need to completely reappraise the situation. If he is paying the minimum then it's going to take forever, he is really only covering a little more than the interest.

The options are:

that he finds away to consolidate the debt and reduce the interest and you carry on this way but for slightly less time.

that you pay in even more to allow the debt to be written off faster - maybe you could link this in with him signing over an increased share in any joint assets?

Or something else.

In all cases he needs to be looking to maximise whatever income he can.

Or, you decide that it's over or at least split up until he sorts himself out.

Cancel the ovedraft asap. You have enough to worry about without DH runnung up ANOTHER insurmountable debt.

How did he incur the debt in the first place?
Has he ever spoken to you about how sorry he is that he can't pay half of your costs? That you are curtailing activities, or forced to pay for him?

Given the fact that he feels entitled to help himself from the joint account he hasn;t fully paid into, so is spending YOUR money entertaining himself with HIS friends, I would hazard ... no.

And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.
Hmmm.
If it were a one-off, fair enoug.
But it isn't - it's constant, & with no clear end in sight.
Putting all the financial onus of HIS debts onto YOU.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?
Nope. He's in debt because he overspent.
Now he wants YOU to overspend. On him.
Don't do it OP.

Get rid of the joint account.
Whose name is the mortgage on?
Tell him to go to his morhers and he can move back in when he has cleared his debt.
You two can continue to date during this time with him paying half.
Move a lodger into help with your bills etc.
Use this time to see if you actually want to be with him.
He's using you.
Of he really wants to be with you he'll have no problem with doing the above.
The fact he has taken money to have lunch with his friend but can't do the same for you, suggests he thinks he has a dumb cash cow.

To those asking about how the debt came about and what he's doing about it, I feel ashamed to say I still feel like I don't really know.

He began getting large music and sports items on finance and paying back monthly. Then interest free credit cards. Then the deals ran out before he had paid everything off. There's some stuff to sell, which he hasn't. And there are expensive clothes, which he actually needs now he chucked all the old/cheaper ones. But nothing I can see which is adding up to the total.

He's not making any extra money, just ensuring he makes the minimum repayments.

I hope he's doing more housework etc. Was the debt essential or just poor planning, gambling, drinking??
I funded my oh when unemployed but kept a note of it. He's paying it back. Has to be clear rules and no taking the piss
I think he should make more effort, weekend job or extra hours. You should factor in small pocket money or it's soul destroying but lots of ppl can't afford lunch out.
Hope he is getting no interest on debts, see Martin Lewis money site.
Cut his access to joint account if he can't behave and consider your future. Would he do same for you, is he going to learn?

Did he run up the debt while with you?

He's stopped spending and can't borrow more, so at the rate he's going it'll be like this for a about five more years he thinks.

So his plan to clear his debt is that you bankroll him FOR FIVE YEARS? Half a decade? No. He needs to find other ways to make money and take responsibility. Five years of this will ruin any love that you have left with resentment.

He's going to be entirely reliant on you for five years to pay off his debt, never pays his own way or for you, but has gone for a presumably not cheap lunch with a friend on you. What a charmer.

I got rid of someone not long ago because of this, still looking for a replacement! but I'm pretty sure it was the right decision.

To those asking about how the debt came about and what he's doing about it, I feel ashamed to say I still feel like I don't really know.

That'd be an even bigger no from me. He's got himself into enough debt that it'll take him five years to pay it off even if he relies on you to pay almost everything, but he's spent it all on expensive clothes and subscriptions?

I'd want to see the statements, and I'd want some kind of proof that he was not going to repeatedly spunk away money and get into debt whenever he wanted something new.

He needs to sell the stuff earmarked and get a second job to pay off the debt. I couldn't live like this for another five years. He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously, I suppose he doesn't have to as you are there as his safety net. I also couldn't stay with someone who was so rubbish with money.

I'm afraid I think if he's your husband, then you've committed to a partnership. I think all money earned should go into a pot, repayments made, bills paid, and decisions about holidays made together and paid for out of your combined pot of money. Having his and hers accounts just leads to resentment. It should be a combined effort to become debt free ASAP also.

Nobody knows the future, there could be a time where you rely upon his salary and the joint account.

If this isn't the life you want, you can get out.
He may always be in debt - some people are just awful at dealing with their finances. He may see it as being normal to be in debt, but as you get older, you may find that this lifestyle is just more and more annoying.

No. This is stupid. He needs urgent debt advice. Interest can be stopped and make a repayment plan. Will affect credit rating. Good. See stepwise or step change website.
He needs to take responsibility or he will drag you down too.

I'd go to a money adviser/debt counsellor together. They will make a plan looking at essential spending. If your partner cannot stick to the agreed plan, then I think you'll need to look at whether you have a future together.