Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

The debt exists and you are both entitled to a life together. I totally get your frustration but I think I would probably try and create a plan that would get rid of their debt together as quickly as possible. Surely he must find it hard you paying for everything too! Can you help to make bigger payments off the debt and get rid to resume a normal life? Could he take on some extra work?

@Jelly79 he called her a fuckwit. Fuck paying his debts.

He says it's just a few pounds but want to pay it off against the house?
How much is it OP?Do you know?
You really need to do a credit check,I suspect that might make your mind up,it will be bigger than you think.

He's stopped spending and can't borrow more

Well, last we heard he was buying himself lunch out from the joint account

How can you be sure that he hasn't or won't take out more credit cards. Telling himself that your having his existing cards is controlling.

Five years? If he is only making the minimum payments, won't that be much longer really?

I'd sack him off. You have such different attitudes to finance and he isn't adopting your approach.

Is this how you want your life to be ?

@Cassilis apologies I must of missed this!

Although I think OP if you want a life together than he needs support in turning this around if his attitude is right (if it's not and doesn't sound like it is I'd leave him!)

You sound like you're married to my xbf! He was dreadful with money. He worked FT, lived with his parents, didn't pay any rent to them yet had absolutely no money by the end of the month. I have no idea what he was doing with it. We were supposed to be buying a house together and agreed we would save 10% deposit each. When I had mine I told him and started looking at houses. I found the perfect house but then he said he hadn't managed to save anything. He still wanted to go ahead and buy the house with my 10% deposit instead of us having 20%. Me being the idiot I am agreed and we set the ball rolling with putting in an offer.

Not long after this he bought a new car on finance and when my mum commented it was a nice car, his response was "well, I've got to spend my money on something!" I couldn't believe my ears! It all came together then. I had so many alarm bells going off in my head that I had been ignoring up to then.

A few examples: in the past he would only go out if I paid. It didn't matter if I suggested something or he did I would get the same "are you paying?" If I said no we will split it then he wouldn't go out or do anything. He would also frequently 'forget' his wallet when out for a meal.

When we went shopping we would take it in turns to pay. When it was my turn to pay he would throw all sorts of stuff in the trolley that he would never buy himself. His turn was only ever a basket and only very cheap things. He would tell me to put items back too.

He would insist that I buy us a lottery ticket (always £10 worth) and he always said he would pay me half of the cost which he never did.

He persuaded me to take out a 0% balance transfer credit card in my name to move one of his debts to an interest free card. He promised to pay me monthly but never did. (I know! I'm a naive mug!)

He would take loads of unpaid days off even though he had no plans and no need to be off work. He just wanted to sleep in and bum around all day. He didn't care that he had debt and we were supposed to be saving.

When it came to the house I started to have doubts about buying it and he started to emotionally blackmail me saying I would go through with buy it if I loved him, complained that everyone else had everything handed to them on a plate and he didn't and tried to make me feel sorry for him. I was a massive mug and he was a parasitic leech. I ended it before we got tied into a mortgage together. I didn't want this man in my life anymore. He was a drain on me financially and emotionally. I hadn't felt relief like it when I was finally free of him. Sorry that was a long post of just my experience. No other advice apart from thing about breaking free from this guy!

If you're married, money goes into the joint lifetime pot.

I think how much you earn, how much he earns, how much the debt is and how much you personally have in savings and whether you have any DC questions - can you say?

• are important questions, that should say.

Also I am really concerned by what you said in your original post and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out. Surely this is dreadful gaslighting and must cause you serious upset?

I am also worried on your behalf about whose name the loans were taken out in. My dil discovered her ex boyfriend had taken out a 10k loan on her computer in her name, which he only admitted to as he walked out the door. She decided to suck it up as she felt she could not prove it was he that did it and she couldn’t face telling her parents.