Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

Ask him to go to stepchange.
They are excellent with debt, they will sort out a repayment plan with all his creditors, where he makes just one payment to stepchange and they split it between each creditor.
They do it based on an income and expenditure, whereby he will pay them whatever he can afford.
They don't charge for their service. Although, it will impact his credit file you've just got to think of what's best in the long run

Joint accounts and family money doesn't mean 'spend what you want with complete abandon'.

And what would this have to do with anything even if they did have kids?
If you have children I'm sure when you were on maternity he would have been paying for the majority of bills.

That's not a favour. Paying bills while being on maternity is because that person is raising their baby for christ's sake, not because of reckless spending.

Op I'd see a solicitor and work out how to untangle myself financially from him and proceed to separate. Remove yourself from the joint account and stop giving him access to your money.

There's no way I'd carry on in this situation without 100% transparency. I'd want to see accounts showing how the debt was run up, how it's currently being paid off, where his money is all going, and an actual firm plan to pay it off.

Sorry but it is true about the money and divorce.

You will owe half his debt.
Debt 40k.
House equity 60k...
You would each get 10k. From the deal.
So he would be handed 50k. Of profits.
Could you take him off the Mortgage and he goes bankrupt?

It's not the money that's the real issue here, you just sound like you have totally different views on life.

What's good about your relationship?

Sorry but it is true about the money and divorce.

You will owe half his debt.
Debt 40k.
House equity 60k...
You would each get 10k. From the deal.
So he would be handed 50k. Of profits.
Could you take him off the Mortgage and he goes bankrupt?

It doesn't work like that unless your lawyer is completely pants.
Nobody gets "handed" anything.
& OP cannot take him off the mortgage without his written consent - can't see him giving that, 'cos he thinks his financial abuse is solely her problem.

To use my own as an example - ex retained his substantial debt. All in his name, not my responsibility.
I ringfenced a largeish sum representing the equity solely I had put into our house on purchase, the £12k I had spent on clearing one of his interminable debts (I know! - & eventually learned better ...), & 50% x X months mortgage that he had failed to pay. That sum was taken out of the equation, then the remaining equity split 50%.

In effect, ex got 25%, & I had 75%.
It was more than fair.
Ex wanted to fight it, using intemperate cliches like "I'll take you for everything you've got" & "I'll see us both in the gutter before I see you walk away with anything" & "I'd rather spunk the lot on lawyers that let you have any" ...
but his anger & emotional outbursts meant jack shit when faced with my Rottweiler lawyer & common sense, & he soon backed down rather than not receive his 'share'.

Guess what - my spendy, workshy, alcoholic ex spent the lot on extended holidays to the other side of the world, a sports car & booze. He's now in rented accommodation despite having had a lump sum large enough to start again with a new property. Nothing changes these men - they will spend & spend until it becomes somebody else's problem. Ex is waiting for his & his new bird's parents to die now, for his next handout.

please get a credit check on your own name, and go into the bank and make sure a loan, new credit cards or refinancing the house cant happen without you actually coming into the bank to sign the papers and show your passport as ID
if you decide to stick this out, no judgement, i would be canceling his joint account card and changing the online password, so he can not transfer any funds from it, those are for the bills and mortgage not coffee's and if he didnt put his share in or put less money in , i think i would kick his ass out... he wont change so you have to be the grown up

What messolini says about divorce, finances and an excellent solicitor is very important.

OP - there’s no way out of this without him either changing his ways and you working as a team to pay off the debt OR divorcing and making sure you are financially protected from his bad decisions.

If I were you I’d start with getting good records of exactly what you’ve been paying towards the house & bills, and for how long. Then I’d see a solicitor and explain you want an idea of the situation should you split, and what proof you’ll need to protect your position.

If the debt was mutual or he had no debt I'd say it's the marital pot and you should pay for him.
However this is his debt and I don't think he has the right to just help himself whenever he wants until the debt is paid off.
My exH just walked off when his debt got really bad leaving me to deal with the lot.

Yes, a good lawyer would examine the debt and split it accordingly. y friend had to take on 1/3 of the credit card debt that was deemed to be family spending and her XH had to take the rest that had been spent solely on himself, so it is not always split 50/50. Neither is the savings.

Everyone marries and its all rosy tinted glasses, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, blah blah blah. That's all great until one person gets into debt repeatedly or one walks out and leaves the other in the shit.

Everyone, male or female, needs to think about protecting themselves financially. It is a different world today.

Sorry but it is true about the money and divorce.

Sorry, but that is ignorant bollocks.

See a solicitor, OP, see several.

Mon 19-Aug-19 08:11:19
@DonnaDarko - can't remember what I said, (for the love of dog, it was over 12 hours ago & I am aged), & can't find it in a quick scroll -
So if I interpreted your post incorrectly - apologies.
Wotcher anyhoo, & back to catch up with divorce advice here now -

Am really hoping OP is hanging in there & well supported in real life.

Mummy 2017 Sorry but it is true about the money and divorce.

You will owe half his debt.

No!

Cancel the joint account and just pay bills seperately. No point having a joint account with someone who spends so irresponsibly.

Surely he doesn’t need to shell so much out each month if it’s leaving him in dire straits. Debt companies have to accept whatever you can afford, even if it’s a pound a week. Maybe look at reducing his repayments so he has surplus cash left each month to help out.

I couldn’t live like this. I had a boyfriend when I was much younger who frittered his cash away and I always had to pay for both of us else we couldn’t go out. It was miserable.

I wouldn't stay with someone like him. You'd always be bailing him out. He sees no real reason to change, as you are his safety net.

Based on your updates, I would seek legal advice immediately and get yourself out of the marriage.

He doesn't give a shit about you, only your bank account. He thinks you should be paying for a lifestyle he wants and can't afford. He blows through his spending money every single month within days ... even knowing he is up to his eyeballs in debt ... he does this in days ... and then moans that he needs more essentially.

Get out!

You probably need to run a credit report for you both - free on moneysuoermarket.

Is it your house or shared? Personally I would have all the bills in my name so I know they will be paid.

I woud expect he transferred half of the bills plus money for Christmas and holidays saving. He doesn't have to do that but that means no Christmas presents or holidays. He doesn't get a big lovely present.

Whatever money he has left is his. He can go for lunch or get a hair cut or pay off debt with it. IMO he is taking the piss and if he says you're controlling just laugh and say omg I tell everyone you piss my money away and say I'm controlling and they think you should be kicked out! Who thinks I'm controlling you? Who is the mate he is having lunch with - and why transfer the money? Doesn't he want them to see your name on the card? Is he pretending he is single?

Of course he doesn't want to lose the joint account. He will say anything to keep that open. Quickly transfer amy money out before he does.

Call step change yourself or pretend you have and say you've taken advice to protect your home and marriage, own life. And they said no joint accounts and he ought to call them as it's his debt.

Dont remortgage. Insane. If you do, he gets a cash prize and you don't - and then when if you divorce this is not taken into account.

Have read some of your updates OP

I'm so sorry, it sounds like it's over to me. I cant believe even though you pay for everything, and he calls you a fuckwit for talking about separating because of issues hes called. That's horrible and disrespectful.

It made me really sad to read you keep your savings because for an unexpected expense or job loss you couldn't rely on him. That's not a partnership. Most people would have no hesitation in taking on more financial responsibility if their partner genuinely couldn't for a while. If he wouldn't do this for you, why are you doing it for him?

I’ve never actually heard the word “fuckwit” spoken out loud by anyone I know. Not sure what kind of person would use that about someone they loved.

People like him just spend, spend, spend and take everyone else down with them! My neighbour's husband left her a few years ago, having run up lots of debt in her name living a champagne lifestyle. He then moved onto another woman and spent her money. And now he's married a fairly wealthy divorcee and is driving round in a very expensive car and no doubt taking her for everything she's worth too, before leaving her.

Sadly, people like him always come up smelling of roses too!

I can't believe he called you a fuckwit He should be doing everything he can to fix the situation, doesn't sound like he's trying at all tbh.

How are you OP?

The one thing that jumps out of this thread is not the debt, but the complete lack of consideration for you OP.
There you are, worried sick about this debt and what your lives are going to look like for god knows how many years, he knows how worried you are, how stressful you are finding the situation and how hard you are finding it and he has chosen not to do a thing to alleviate your concerns! He hears what you say and still chooses not to do a DAMN THING to help!
Does he actually hate you?
Would you stand by and watch him suffer for the sake of a lunch date with a friend?
OP, This has very little to do with the actual debt and so much more to do with how he dismisses your fears and worries to the point that you doubt yourself now, you have come on here to ask if you ABU to not want to fund his lifestyle.
YADNBU!!!! His lack of basic concern for you will not improve. Ever!
If you choose to stay with him, that's your call, but know that this will never improve because he sees nothing wrong in hurting you, even if it is to take someone for lunch.