Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

DirtyToiletBrush, you’re an enabler and he’ll never take responsibility while you make it easy for him to avoid the consequences.

And he thinks it dramatic that I'd mention separating over money.

Well, he wants you to continue bankrolling him and tolerating his shitty behaviour so it's in his interests to try and convince you of this and make you doubt yourself.

It's more manipulation.

Is this the first time he's called you a fuckwit? You don't seem that shocked. I flinched when I read it.

Oh, and it's my fault he can't pay it off faster because I won't let him borrow against the house.

@Lemonbubbles - he's shown you who he is.
He's also shown you his main interest in you - as a cheap source of finance.
I should have just handed over a few grand to help pay off the debt.
Charming.

I'm also a 'fuckwit' for mentioning getting rid of the joint account, as we're tied together through the mortgage.
Funnily enough, there IS a fuckwit in your marriage. It's the one who thinks a mortgage can only be paid via a joint account.

You KNOW why he wants to keep that joint account. So he can dip into it - forcing you to replace his treat money with your own, so that bills & mortgage obligations continue to be met.

Lemon, it's not quite financial abuse yet, but it's extreme disrespect & Cheeky Fuckery masked by his rejection of any input from you, while he conditions you for the actual financial abuse that is coming your way.

A sensible alternative would be to protect your accounts & assets now, & spiltting up before he racks up any more impossible debts. If there's any equity in the house, he can use some of his share to pay off his debt - he won't, he'll fritter it all away & end up falling off the housing ladder, but then 1) it won't be your problem any more, & 2) he won't be able to bring you down with him.

Hurtful & daunting as it is, I hope you can see how his behaviours are telling you loud & clear how little he loves you.

Think of the worry-free & happy life you could have without him dragging you backwards, then berating you for objecting to it ...

Has he been to a debt service, step change or money advice to deal with his debt properly. A DRO perhaps?

Stop supporting him, make him take responsibility you can not live like this for another five years.

I would not give him access to my money.

OP, I can see - as PP as said - that you're concerned what his friends would think of you. How do you know that he's not telling them any lie anyway? He could be saying that you're the one overspending, blah blah. You'd never know.

Get rid. That's my advice. He's disrespectful and this is going to eat you up and destroy the relationship anyway.

In my family,we would put our money together each month and pay what needs to be paid. Any excess would then be split for leisure. We would sell what we can to pay off lump sums of the debt. There wouldn't be the concept of this being his debt, we would club together to pay it off. It would mean we both have less leisure money until it is paid off but hopefully by putting our money together, every single penny, we would pay it off more quickly.

And what is evident from every one of OP's posts is that her DH will not agree to this, will never agree to it, & expects OP to roll over when he helps himself to money for treats from the account reserved solely for paying bills. So @Kewlwifee's method will not work here.

This would puss me off so
Much of have to leave him. The thing is he will NEVER get any better and will always be like this.

The financial situation is bad enough, but I bet his entitled attitude is affecting other areas of the relationship, or if not now then it will at some point.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a terrible partner, you can most definitely do better!

As far as I am concerned he’d be black listed from fun until he paid off his debt and could contribute as an equal partner! I wouldn’t find a sandwich for him!

fund*

Sorry Lemon - this has just tipped over into actual financial abuse.
He's really acting like it isn't affecting me and I should just be able to fix it for him. He really can't get past that I've got some money which can replace what he spent earlier, so what's the problem.

He knows there is a problem.
He knows the problem is caused by him.
He tells you there is no problem to shut you down.
He has positioned you to be the only one who deals with the problem.

I made it clear I wasn't going to pay off the debt with savings a long time ago, but he still keeps on bringing it up.
And he will continue to bring it up - because he reckons he is entitled to use you to cover his arse.

That and reducing his payments by borrowing against the house.
& here is the direct threat against your own financial wellbeing.
All the time you are forced to cover for his overspending, that is money you could have been setting aside on overpaying the mortgage, accruing savings, increasing your pension - or just having the kind of nice time that you can no longer enjoy due to his debt, continued overspending, & refusal to find an extra job/better job in order to discharge HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY with this debt.

He is making light of that, because he doesn't care about your financial wellbeing.
Ergo he does not care about you, your ambitions, financial goals, dreams, or even your own ability to have holidays, trips out, nice lunches etc.

Are you seeing this yet?
How do you envisgae the future if you knuckle under & accept this?
Because he's not gonna change.
Only you can change. How does your future look, without him in it?

What the actual fuck have I just read?

Your useless cunt of a husband just called you a fuckwit and you STILL haven't resolved to LTB???

What did you think that you would go off on holiday and he’d Stay at home doing nothing?
No she doesn't, @Passthecherrycoke, this is one of the issues which is making the her miserable.

He is paying out too much money.
He is making minimum monthly payments on a debt (accrued solely by overspending on luxuries) larger than his net annual salary. It won't get repaid within his lifetime at that rate. He needs to be paying more.

He should be able to have the occasional ice cream on holiday, or lunch with friends.
Oh, don't worry - he does. He nicks it out of the joint account which is only meant for bill-paying, then calls his wife a fuckwit & tells her she has to replace the money out of her own earnings.

Sadly, he won't contact his creditors, contemplate working more hours, sell off his unwanted goods, or reduce spending on his leisure activities.
Instead, he wants OP to lose her savings paying his debt off for him, & remortgage the house so that he doesn't have to make any personal changes.
He is going to continue overspending & he is not going to address his debt. He doesn't care what this means to OP's financial or emotional wellbeing.

You're right - it really isn't a partnership. DH isn't behaving as a partner.
That's not OP's fault, & I sincerely hope she stops taking responsibility for it right away.

It's been a bit of a drip feed here.

About how much debt is it?

I'd demand to see his credit report now so he can't hide any cards or accounts and you know the true amount of debt he has to clear.

I would remove access to the joint account, and have separate accounts for own salaries etc. He can pay his bit into the joint account to cover his share of bills, with no other access such as atm card etc. Then what he has left over in his own account after his repayments is his. If you choose to spend your money on him that comes from your account

He overspent his money and is overspending yours.

@messolini9 he can’t pay back anymore. He doesn’t have any more to pay back. You can’t get blood out of a stone.

@messolini9 he can’t pay back anymore. He doesn’t have any more to pay back.

You don't know that. @Passthecherrycoke - you're only basing that on your own assumption in a previous post that 50% of monthly bills plus loan repayment leaves him with no spending money.
I don't recall any post OP has made stating that this is the case.

@Lemonbubbles

I've just tried to speak with him and he's said it's just a few quid, and I (as in me, not him) can easily replace it.

Apparently I shouldn't be giving him money to do the things we do, I should have just handed over a few grand to help pay off the debt.

Oh, and it's my fault he can't pay it off faster because I won't let him borrow against the house. I'm also a 'fuckwit' for mentioning getting rid of the joint account, as we're tied together through the mortgage

Please sit down and think over what you'd say if a friend's told you her DH was heavily in debt, took money that was for bills and said this to her. What advice would you give her?

OP, you need to sit down and think long and hard about how you see your future with this man.

What's the term on his debt? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? More? Because this is how you'll be living for that long, at least.

What happens if you have children? And you're on maternity leave - who will bail him out then? What happens if you lose your job? Will you lose your house because he can't make the mortgage payments?

But, more worryingly, is that he has absolutely no respect for you and sees you as a walking cash machine.

He should be grateful and doing everything he can to pay off this debt, including taking a second job. But he has no pride in himself to do this and no shame in taking money from you constantly. And even making you feel guilty when he wants more?!

Run for the hills, OP. He'll run you into the ground financially - and he won't even be sorry about it.

Did you know about his debt when you got together?

I agree with @Passthecherrycoke

Doesn't seem like a partnership at all.

100% he should not have taken cash from the bills account and his attitude to that stinks.

But.

The thing is, you want fundamentally incompatible things, OP.

You don’t want to use savings or equity to pay off the debt.

That’s fair enough. No arguments from me.

But simultaneously you also don’t want to have to pay for everything, or subsidise your DH.

But if he’s only making minimum payments on his debts and 50% of bills and that’s his entire salary, then he’s never going to get out of the hole.

So you either decide as a partnership to pay off the debt, take all his access to credit away and budget together, or you split up and leave him to sort out the mess with his half of the equity from the house.

I personally don’t think he sounds as if he would honour his side of the bargain if you paid off the debts with savings, so i would probably split up over this. It’s quite fundamental and a trust issue.

You can’t say no to helping him get out of debt and then be pissed off he’s got no money.

Has he sought professional debt advice or is this his idea that he'll clear it within five years?

There's no sense of remorse. He's blaming you. The first step of getting out of debt is realising you've got yourself into this situation. Then it's wanting to get out of debt. I don't get either of those from your dh.

What's more worrying is that you still don't know how he got into debt. Does he know? Will he not tell you? Or has he no idea either?

His debt is MORE THAN HE EARNS A YEAR PRE TAX. That is to put it bluntly. A lot.

You need answers. The truth. And if he isn't able to discuss this without resorting to insults and accusations I would be seriously reconsidering what relationship I could have with him.