Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

Could he get a debt management plan through stepchange?
Or if you're married can you not just put all wages in one account and split whatever is left after bills and food. You're in this together. If you have children I'm sure when you were on maternity he would have been paying for the majority of bills. This is how my husband and I handle our money.

I’d leave him.

He’s not made any effort to make his debt less of a burden. He could have taken debt advice. He could have sold the items he has.

And as an absolute minimum, he should have the respect to discuss things like today’s little act of rebellion like an adult, BEFORE it happened.

Instead he has chosen the pathway of resentment and cheating. If this was the first act, there will be more on the way.

There can be no trust between you and that’s no way to live. Divorce him and find a partner who shares your values and hasn’t got a debt millstone to drown you with.

If you have children I'm sure when you were on maternity he would have been paying for the majority of bills.

Or like a PP said, he will fail her here too and she’ll be forced to return to work as soon as her maternity pay drops.

But if he’s only making minimum payments on his debts and 50% of bills and that’s his entire salary, then he’s never going to get out of the hole.

This notion has been mentioned, @NoSquirrels, but not by the OP - who would know! I think it's speculation that appeared on the thread & has been taken as gospel.
We don't actually know how much money he has left after paying 50% household & a loan repayment.

I think you need to get out before he drags you down with him!

Just to clarify, as some seem to realise, but others don't, I didn't say he has nothing to spare after bills and debt repayments - he just spends it within a few days. He always runs out and the majority of the month is spent saying he has nothing, even though he DID have a few hundred to himself to spend how he wished and look after himself with. I'm not upset there's nothing left after his necessary outgoings, but that there is and he burns through that too.

Oh, and it's my fault he can't pay it off faster because I won't let him borrow against the house.

Borrowing against the house could be a good idea (because the interest rate would be lower) if, and only if, at least the same amount went into paying back as currently goes into paying credit cards/loans whatever, AND no more was borrowed.

How likely is that to happen? Or is it more likely that he will spend the “extra” spare monthly cash he’s got on his hobbies, and rack up more debt as well.

In a few years you could be in the same place again, only with a bigger mortgage. You are jointly and severally liable for the mortgage which means that if he can’t (or won’t) pay his share, you have to pay it all, or have your house repossessed.

Stick to your guns, OP. No borrowing against the house, no using your savings. Maybe - only maybe - consider it after a period in which he has demonstrated a willingness to act responsibly. That would mean getting debt advice, agreeing a repayment schedule and sticking to it.

I do think it is important to have treats and trips out etc if they can be afforded. But he has to have a budget for it, and show that he can stick to it. Not go dipping in your pocket.

I've had a lot of debt in the past and I've often filled in affordability forms by a company. They do allow you an amount for entertainment so I don't think you can make him go without any kind of entertaining or eating out. Being bored is how I overspent, think about that.

It sounds like he needs debt advice. I recommend speaking to stepchange. Sometimes having someone else talk about it can really drive it home.

But he is also being a bit of a CF

Also, I haven't been on maternity leave ans he hasn't looked after me financially. The reason I want to keep my savings is that if I had an unforeseen expense/job loss, I'd be relying on those, as I can't rely on him.

Maybe you should take some legal.advoce on what he would be entitled to from your 'joint' assets should you decide he's not worth the bother. I definitely couldn't love like you do.

Could he get a debt management plan through stepchange?
He won't, @HomeEdRocks18. He doesnt want to, so he won't. What he wants is for OP to pay it for him.

Or if you're married can you not just put all wages in one account and split whatever is left after bills and food.
YOU WHAT!? - you want OP to hand over all her cash so he can run through that as well? You know he's already nicking the joint account money to spend on luxuries, then calling OP a fuckwit for being fed up about it, & demanding that she repays what he had just spent out of her own earnings? Now you want her to expose herself further?

You're in this together.
They're really not.

If you have children I'm sure when you were on maternity he would have been paying for the majority of bills.
Are you? On what evidence? What makes you pull this idea out of thin air?

This is how my husband and I handle our money.
That's great for you.
But presumably, your DH hasn't racked up a debt larger than his net annual salary by overspending on luxuries?
Or expected you to remortgage your home because he won't address his debt himself?
Or told you to use your savings to pay off his debt?
Or expect you to pay for every cinema ticket, meal out etc, because he was unable to control his spending?

The trouble is if you refinance he will still over spend.
Your need to tell him that until he realise he can't control his spending your going to argue about it.
Ask him if he will try doing cash....
He works out how much he can spend , takes that out and leaves his card at home.

He always runs out and the majority of the month is spent saying he has nothing, even though he DID have a few hundred to himself to spend how he wished and look after himself with. I'm not upset there's nothing left after his necessary outgoings, but that there is and he burns through that too.

Yes, bad behaviour, annoying, frustrating. And I hear you on the savings etc too.

But the fact remains that if you are not going to tackle the debt situation together as a partnership, then you might as well split up.

Because he’ll never get out of the hole of a debt larger than his pre-tax salary without something major happening, be that bankruptcy (affects you as you own the house together), a DRP or similar (affects you too), or an injection of cash from savings/equity to pay it off.

And if you don’t want any of the above, because you cannot trust him and his financially irresponsible attitude (and who can blame you?) then divorce.

There’s no pain-free way out, unfortunately.

so I don't think you can make him go without any kind of entertaining or eating out.

She doesn't, @DonnaDarko - he has a few hundred every month, after bills & minimum loan repayment. He spends it all in the first few days of each month.

Being bored is how I overspent, think about that.
Why should she? She isn't the one in debt, & still overspending.
I don't imagine you made your debt anyone's else's responsibility - you made it your own, & you dealt with it. Unlike DH here.

He always runs out and the majority of the month is spent saying he has nothing, even though he DID have a few hundred to himself to spend how he wished and look after himself with.

So he has a few hundred each month to spend on himself but doesn’t pay half the bills? Or even buy himself an ice cream?

He’s feckless and will bring you down financially too, OP.

so as per your post at 18:29, he DOES have money after paying the minimum repayment, he just burns through it quickly.

Thereby showing that he has no inclination whatsoever to change his ways. If he wanted to pay the debt off quicker, he would be paying more than the minimum repayment and keeping the absolute minimum for himself for bare essentials.

He needs to accept for himself that he has a problem, and stop spending, or he will never ever get himself out of debt. People keep banging on about being a partnership, but he has to want to help himself!

Oh poor diddums can't have his treats...... there are people out there using foodbanks, so who gives a shit if he's sad because he can't have lunch with his friends!

There are budgeting spreadsheets out there on moneysavingexpert, you could download one and do one for the whole family budget and one just for him, so he can see where every penny of his goes to.

DO NOT give him your savings. I lost all of my savings, and XH had thousands out of me, I paid for everything for the new house when we moved out of the sale of my house. I paid for our honeymoon, our car, everything, because I had some money and he didn't. I paid off his loan , because we were married and I wanted to help him. No way would I ever put myself in that position again.

If you haven't told anyone in real life about this, please start. Not just the "he owes over £30k" part (or whatever the number is), but also the fact that he isn't really bothered about the debt, that he's in debt because he likes to live above his means, and that he doesn't see why it should affect him now. If you're not ready to talk to friends and family, maybe find someone else, maybe a debt charity has support for partners?
I think he's done a bit of a number on you, and has deliberately damaged your self - esteem. It doesn't sound like he wants to change. If this isn't what you want for your life, don't be concerned about what others may think. Imagine yourself in the future - in 5 or 10 years this could all be a memory, but only if he chooses to change, or you leave.

A worrying situation OP. Defo worth seeing if he could get a payment plan advice with citizens advice or some other professional help ASAP. This may ultimately break you up.

If you want to help him you could sit down together and see what can be reduced, sky sports full package, broadband, gas leccy, gym, (all depending on contract length). Is it all hp agreements for a new phone, a new games console or some such crap that you think you can afford but actually a tenner here and there is suddenly hundreds!

Do you benefit from any of his hp? Like a new sofa or tv, or is it just stuff he enjoys?

Get his joint account bank card from him so he doesn’t have access and allocate him £20 (or similar basic amount) pocket money into his own bank once a week by standing order, meanwhile the money for bills and food remains on the joint account and spent as required by you. He has no access. Check all statements to ensure he’s not ordered a new card or some such and is secretly blowing that too.
If he can’t get into the joint account he can’t help himself to your cash. He will have to stop buying rounds at the pub, he will get a reality check.

It’s too cushy for him just now. He’s taking the piss. He spends it all as he knows he can help himself to more. He hasn’t sold stuff, why should he bother, you shell out cash when he needs it....
He’d budget better with a weekly allowance. Obv consider other costs like train or whatever and pay those.
Coffees and shit, you’ve had it mate. Lunch, nope, make sandwiches mate. Don’t like it mate, shoulda thought about that when you were flashing the cash. You’re lucky I’m still with you mate..

The thing is though ime people don't change, especially if they don't want to.

OP could help him out but there's no indication he wouldn't just do it again

Alarm bells are ringing if he's only paying off the minimum payment on what I'm assuming are probably credit cards?

It can literally take decades to repay debt that way.

It sounds as though you both would benefit from an appointment with a decent financial advisor to help get finances in order.

I’d be absolutely livid at that response, I’m actually fuming for you.
OP. This can’t carry on

Jesus Christ why do women put up with so much shit?! He’s treating you like a fool, wake up and smell the roses! You’re worth so much more than to just be a cash machine for some looser like this.

OP, kindly,

He couldn't care less about you.

You are there to bankroll him.

That's what you will only ever be to him.

You will never know peace with him.

He is utterly selfish and will drag out down.

Get out of this relationship s quickly as you can. Seperate your finances immediately.

He thinks you the fuckwit of the house, he couldn't be any plainer.

Surely you realise how little he thinks of you.

This is not love.
You are serving a purpose.
That's all.

Do not waste anymore of your life on him.

Friend of mines FIL died recently

They discovered a joint credit card his wife had no knowledge of £15K a personal card £34k he’s borrow £13k cash from a relative she knew nothing about.

The £34k will die with him, but the others need paying. She’s now facing selling their home or renting it out.

Your DH is hiding his financial affairs and you will sink too.

Either you accept that you will bankroll his lifestyle forever, lose your savings, your house and end up in debt with him or walk away now.

He treats you with no respect and actually with contempt - fuckwit??? Why on earth would you accept this OP? Did you have an abusive childhood which has normalised this kind of behaviour?