Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

OP are you sure he is actually making the repayments now?

The fact you barely know how he got into so much debt is concerning. Could he have a gambling/drug problem?

Either way I suspect that if you stay with him your life will always be like this, worrying yourself sick about money and what new debts he is racking up at your expense.

OP, in my previous marriage all money went into the joint account. I earned significantly more then him. He spent significantly more then me. I wanted to save, he didn’t see the point. Our views on money were mis-matched.
When we separated, he went after every penny. He even tried to get a share of my pension as I earned more (no children involved).
The fact your DH just expects you to replace the money from the joint account, like it’s nothing to him, says it all.
My advice if you do not want to separate: Actions speak louder then words. Get him removed from the joint account. Stop funding his lifestyle. Keep as much of your salary and savings as protected from him as you can. Understand more about his debt. How much there is to be repaid and when it will be repaid.
And run a credit check against your name. I did after separation and found 2 accounts in my name that I knew nothing about.

Just read the whole thread and take back what i said. I would be annoyed. You anbu.

Check that he's not taken out cards or accounts in your name @Lemonbubbles it's very achievable for an arsehole.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house?

Are you married or cohabiting?

Run. He is treating you like a cash cow and has no respect.

Haven’t read all of it but why did you marry someone so much in debt if you have such a problem with it? What happened to “for richer, for poorer”? It sounds like you are barely keeping afloat even with your salary if you have to set strict limits on how much can be spent on spontaneous items like lunch with a friend. Have you looked into debt counseling and making agreements with the creditors for more manageable payments and feeezing interest?

You are punishing him for his poor choices in the past. Begrudging him every ice cream on holiday. Who does that? What if he lost his job tomorrow? What would you do? Ban him from eating the food on the cupboards and from using the water in the taps? I don’t get this “my money and your money” in a marriage. Where’s the trust? My husband doesn’t work at all. He’s a SAH husband and my salary is well into the 6 figures. He is also a man with “past baggage” (former drug addict) but I don’t judge him or punish him for the very bad choices he made before he met me. I don’t constantly remind him of how much more I contribute to the household financially. That’s just ridiculous. I’ve never heard of a married couple splitting the bill in a restaurant. What a miserable night out you must be, constantly reminding him of how much he “owes” you. Move on and marry a millionaire.

get another account, and have all your wages paid into that OP.

Begrudging him every ice cream on holiday.
Nope. He has a few hundred spare every month after 50% bills share & minimum loan repayment. He spends it all in the first few days. He is unable & unwilling to manage his cash.

It sounds like you are barely keeping afloat even with your salary if you have to set strict limits on how much can be spent on spontaneous items like lunch with a friend.
There was no limit set. He had his few hundred that month, spent it too soon, had nothing left to pay for lunch so diverted cash out of the bill=paying joint account to supplement his spending momey, When OP questioned this, he called her a fuckwit & told her to replace the bill account money out of her own earnings.

why did you marry someone so much in debt
Who says she did? From OP's posts, it looks like this huge debt accrued over a few years of overspending.

It sounds like you are barely keeping afloat even with your salary
If they weren't saddled with DH's huge, frivolously-incurred debt, they'd be managing just fine. As it is, they can no longer afford holidays etc. So his actions have curtailed OP's life chioces.

Have you looked into debt counseling and making agreements with the creditors for more manageable payments and feeezing interest?
He refuses to, & mocks the OP when she suggests it.

Worse - he wants her to re-mortgage the house & spend all her savings on paying down a debt only he has racked up.
Once she's done that, what next?
Given that he refuses to pay more than the minimum repayments, work harder to pay off more quickly, sell off unwanted goods, or reduce his overspending on luxuries, what does OP sacrifice when he continues his debt spiral? Sell off her pension to fund DP's irresponsibility?

Where's the trust
Tell you what - YOU trust him with your savings & equity. After all, he looks a good bet - "for richer for poorer", huh?

He called you a fuckwit. He’s a cocklodger with zero respect for you. I would leave him.

In the meantime, I would stop the joint account. Or only put in for 50% of bills.

BritWifeinUSA read the thread before you comment so that you don't look stupid or read messolini9 reply to you, it's right after yours.

Cheers @flirtygirl.

Am getting a tad fecked off with the amount of "oh but in MY marriage its OUR money" from smug commentators whose husbands aren't fucking them over financially.

Hope OP is ok & will update when she can.
This thread must be a lot for her to take in.

My DH and I have always had complete joint funds but we both have a similar attitude to finances and are careful.

I would tell anyone with a partner that is completely irresponsible with money to keep finances separate. Seen too many people with houses repossessed or having to downsize to only one of them spending money they don't have like water.

BritWifeinUSA read the thread before you comment so that you don't look stupid or read messolini9 reply to you, it's right after yours

But this advice is what's trotted out on the seperate finances threads though is isn't it? Joint accounts is the holy grail in a marriage apparently. If you dont have them then apparently your marriage has no trust.

OP Sack off the joint account. Don't tell him of you want, just transfer all the bills to yours and transfer his money to you when he pays it in. Nothing will change while you're holding the fort and being the responsible one.

I had a lot of debt when I met my dp thanks to my ex h. When do moved in we sat down and talked money and decided it best that I continue to pay bills from my account because I didn’t want to ruin his credit rating. There’s no way I’ll ever consider getting anything joint (except our mortgage ), not because I think he’s daft enough but just in case.

Does this fit?

This is just awful, it gets worse and worse. He obviously has a major problem burning through hundreds in a few days rather than making it last and no commitment to sorting himself out.

The debt is neither here nor there, it's happened now. But the current pattern of behaviour is so dysfunctional and how he's talking to you is actually quite abusive. He should be apologising and paying it back to you. He should be selling those things he said he'd sell. He should be getting a second job or finding other ways to make extra money. Instead, he's continuing the pattern of living beyond his means, and he's sponging off you -- and being verbally abusive when you bring it up with him.

Just be aware that if you do leave, in a divorce it starts at 50-50. So you would have 50% of all debt and he has 50% of all (your)savings. It doesn't necessarily end up ad 50-50 , but leaving doesn't mean you leave his debts. It could be so much worse if there are other things you don't know about and it could be affecting your credit rating. Its not a reason to not leave, just be aware

Do your families know about the debt, op? Don't keep any secrets for him. Bring it out into the open. He might start to see things a bit differently then. He is a dick, I hope he sees the error of his ways sharpish, otherwise just LTB. Not for the debt, but for being a dick.

I think you should have separate accounts . If he runs out of money , and you want to, just transfer him a small amount to tide him over. He needs to take responsibility.

I had an ex like this. We weren’t married, fortunately. He kept banging on about how if he moved in with me he could spend what he was paying on rent to pay off his debt. I let him, and told him he had a year to pay it off. At the end of the year he’d barely made a dent in it. I told him his time was up and made him move out. He came out with all sorts of guilt-tripping shite, but I held firm.

The relationship limped on for another six months before I ended it - I just couldn’t see a future with someone so shite with money and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life bailing out someone else’s spendthrift ways.

This was someone who was, on the whole, a nice bloke who treated me with respect. If he had called me a fuckwit or started with an attitude like the op’s dh for even a nanosecond, he would have found himself out on his ear and single with immediate effect.

So you would have 50% of all debt and he has 50% of all (your)savings.

I don't think so. The debt was racked up in DH's name only - he can't transfer it to another party, whether that party is divorcing him or not.

As to the savings - separate finances asap.
A good lawyer would protect OP's interests here, given that she can document who the debts & savings belong to.

Personal debt is personal debt, ops not liable because he’s a fuckwit with money.

The debt will not transfer, no, but on totalling up the joint debts and savings and net position OP might have to give him a lot of money to equalise the financial split. In declaring finances in divorce you have to list all assets and debts whether joint or individual- it all is counted to work out joint net position and then its split up , whether 50-50 60-40 etc and you look at how/ who that division takes place.

How much is the debt?
How long is the current repayment plan?
Did he have it before you met or run it up since?
Has he checked alternative ways of managing or getting rid of the debt?

He definitely needs to take more responsibility
Sell the stuff. Stop frittering hundreds away each month and pay more off the debt

If he doesn't get it then you have to leave.

Explain to him this is not purely about money.
It's about you not wanting to be with someone who is not mature enough to sort his own mess out and who doesn't care enough about you to stop behaviour that is ruining your lives

Get that joint account closed and separate everything - he can't be trusted at the moment

@messolini9 my comment was directed to all the people saying he should spend all his money on debts and bills, not the OP.

I feel for you OP, this would be really upsetting.

I had an ex that was similar. We earned the same but he spent so much that, not even including the repayments on his debt, and with me paying for everything, he spent all his money in days. He would then make snide comments about how I was "so lucky" to have money. As if my money just came down from the sky! He had exactly the same amount but he chose to spend it on himself.

He also said I shouldn't worry that he was in debt, as "the way [he] saw it, [he] would never have to pay it off". I came to see that in fact that was true - I was paying it off for him.

Im not sure what to advise because we ended up splitting, but we weren't married so it was much easier.