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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to fund DH?

284 replies

Lemonbubbles · 18/08/2019 13:38

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 18/08/2019 15:52

Minimum repayments are 25y to pay back not 5.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 18/08/2019 15:56

Tell him to transfer the money back into the joint account; it’s not ok.

This!

I think the fact he transferred it out is pretty uncool! He knows that's the money for bills. What does he propose, bills go unpaid so he has lunch? ... More debts!

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 18/08/2019 15:57

I feel like he should reduce his repayment level so he has a small amount to use week to week, which would also take the pressure off you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/08/2019 15:58

Married people shouldn’t have separate accounts ideally

Says who? There is no rule. It’s a personal choice.

GreenTulips · 18/08/2019 16:05

We are married 16 years

Don’t have a joint account, not sure why we would need one? I don’t have to monitor his spending and he doesn’t monitor mine.

We pay the bills and have a savings account each.

Don’t see why I would give that up!

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/08/2019 16:09

He needs to look at some sort of debt management plan. Has he spoken to CAB etc? In reality, what's happening now is that you are actually repaying some of his debts as you are subsidising him.

Original poster
Lemonbubbles · 18/08/2019 16:11

I've just tried to speak with him and he's said it's just a few quid, and I (as in me, not him) can easily replace it.

Apparently I shouldn't be giving him money to do the things we do, I should have just handed over a few grand to help pay off the debt.

Oh, and it's my fault he can't pay it off faster because I won't let him borrow against the house. I'm also a 'fuckwit' for mentioning getting rid of the joint account, as we're tied together through the mortgage.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 18/08/2019 16:14

That just gave me chills. What an entitled prick

AiryFairyMum · 18/08/2019 16:15

Time to think seriously about selling up and splitting up. You can't live like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2019 16:15

Oh, and it's my fault he can't pay it off faster because I won't let him borrow against the house. I'm also a 'fuckwit' for mentioning getting rid of the joint account, as we're tied together through the mortgage.

He calls you a fuckwit? YOU? If you aren't making plans to leave him RIGHT THIS MINUTE you are a fool. What a bastard.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/08/2019 16:16

You can sell the house and end your relationship. There are so many issues here. He’s not even willing to have a proper conversation with you without throwing out insults Sad

You don’t have to stay in the marriage OP and the house can be sold. He’s restricting your whole life and he’s very much the fuckwit. You deserve better.

pinkpinkblue · 18/08/2019 16:17

I wouldn't be staying with someone who treated me like this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/08/2019 16:17

Divorce the fucker, that’ll release equity from the house.

GinNotGym19 · 18/08/2019 16:19

I think he needs to speak to cab, pay plan or step change for debt advice. If he does a debt management plan it will register defaults for 6 years. Although it would effect his credit file it doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to clear these debts. Also it would prevent him getting credit for 6 years as it’d be declined so he could clear what he owes without it going up

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2019 16:20

Op did you marry him, move in with him, knowing about this debt, or did he get the debt when you were together and uou didn't know?

Rafflesway · 18/08/2019 16:20

OMG, OP!

You can't carry on living like this!

I would be planning a separate life, let alone separate accounts.

He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You deserve so much better. ☹️

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/08/2019 16:21

Well, from what I am reading, I don't think he is a keeper, if you disagree, then a potential solution is to remortgage to an affordable amount that can either pay off or significantly reduce his debt. In exchange, you get 60% of the house or whatever works out fair. If he pays of the debt and is paying is fair share into the house (i.e. he keeps his mortgage payment at 50%) then you could look at equalising it again (or not) in the future when you think he has made up what he should.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:23

In my family,we would put our money together each month and pay what needs to be paid. Any excess would then be split for leisure. We would sell what we can to pay off lump sums of the debt. There wouldn't be the concept of this being his debt, we would club together to pay it off. It would mean we both have less leisure money until it is paid off but hopefully by putting our money together, every single penny, we would pay it off more quickly.

BuckingFrolics · 18/08/2019 16:23

If he was regretting his debt and had seen how his poor financial management and sense of entitlement had landed him in a mess, and if he was doing all he could to pay it off, and if he was a changed man as a result of self reflection, then ok

But he's none of those things. He wants you to pay his debt off so he can carry on spending money in himself.

He called you a fuckwit?! He's cast you as the wealthy woman who won't help him ...

He's not a keeper. He's down he won't change his spending habits except resentfully and bitterly.

BuckingFrolics · 18/08/2019 16:24

Borrow against the house? Is he crazy? No no no.

ELM8 · 18/08/2019 16:26

I think the bigger issue is getting to the bottom of how he got himself in this financial situation. It sounds like he's hiding the real cause of the debt and the danger is even when that is finally paid off he could do it again.

Are you absolutely sure the total amount of debt is going down? Do a credit check to make sure you know every credit account there is and the amount owing.

Sorry but it really sounds like he's hiding something and you are just finding his lifestyle with no idea why or realistically how long for?

scoobydoo1971 · 18/08/2019 16:26

If you continue to sponsor his lifestyle, he has no incentive to address his debt. He doesn't have much respect for you, as a person or a spouse. If he did then he wouldn't think it was acceptable to be financially dependent on you, nor worry you about money. Knowing that, you should stop being embarrassed about addressing his money issues with him. It doesn't make you look like a bad, mean person...rather an astute, perceptive one who can see what is going on and challenges the disrespectful behaviour off him.

Stop paying for him for nights out, and stop lending him any money at all. You have a cocklodger on your hands, albeit one you are married to. You need to insist he sees a debt advisor to identify if there are any ways to reduce what he owes, and go to those meetings with him to enforce the effort.

I could not remain married to a man who wasn't on the same page in terms of financial planning and behaviour. It would be a deal breaker for me. I appreciate you may feel different, but your post sounds exhausted and downtrodden. Imagine a future where you have no savings, no pension pot and you have debt yourself as a result of years of sponsoring your DH. It may be the starting point of considering separation/ divorce from him because he is using you for funds, and will continue to do so without any appreciation of your kindness as long as you permit it.

Loopytiles · 18/08/2019 16:28

Don’t be a mug anymore OP.

MsDogLady · 18/08/2019 16:30

How much longer are you going to tolerate being emotionally and financially abused by this man?

MadameJosephine · 18/08/2019 16:30

He called YOU a fuckwit? fuck that, chuck the cheeky prick out on his arse, sounds like you’d be better if without him