Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

I'm presuming he had the debt when you married? If not, and it was built up while you were in a financial partnership then I think that makes it a bit different.

I got into a lot of debt in my early 20s (£14.5k) just through living well above my means. Credit cards, overdraft, catalogue accounts. I phoned Step Change and have been paying it back since 2016, I’ll be debt free in another year.

DH and I keep our finances separate as I would never, ever expect him to be impacted by my poor choices. I pay my way equally and we still go on holiday, etc because he shouldn’t have to miss out.

Your DH needs to sort this properly. Get a real repayment plan in place and cut back on extras so you aren’t bankrolling him.

I'm sorry for your situation Lemon. I earn a lot more than DP and so carry most of the financial burden. We have a joint account for joint bills that we each pay into depending on our ability. That doesn't excuse him from being responsible with his own money and our joint monies.
I think your DH is being irresponsible with you, and unless you can have a serious discussion with him to resolve the problem, it sounds like a deal breaker.

It’ll cost you half as much if you go to the movies/out for dinner with a friend instead of him.

Maybe do that next time he runs out way before payday?

Does this mean the joint account will be short wrt bills that are set to come out of it?

He needs to replace that money if so, before the bills are due.

I'd personally get rid of the joint account, get all the bills transferred to your account and get him to set up a dd to you for his share on payday. Then whatever he has left is what he has left.

I would also think about LTB (and I don't say this lightly). He's relying on you to bail him out, and it won't change. Is this what you want from life?

But only paying the minimum repayments will take years, and cost loads more in interest.

Has he had advice on this? HE might be bette rbeing declared bankrupt.

He sounds like a bit of a knobhead to be honest, buying expensive clothes and items he can't afford to feel like a big man, whilst letting his wife pay for anything.

What does he bring to your life??

Tell him to transfer the money back into the joint account; it’s not ok.

Please do this. You’re not financially abusing him, he’s treating you like a total mug by keeping you afraid of calling him on it in case he bitches about you.

I feel sorry for you OP. It is hard to be the financially sensible one in a relationship.
However, I can't help but compare this to a woman who ran up a massive debt on clothes and beauty stuff. Posters were unanimous that she should tell her husband and, if he loved her, he would help shoulder the debt. There ere lots of comments about partnerships and joint responsibility for debt.
Place marking

@ElleDubloo married people shouldn’t have separate accounts. Why not exactly?!!

OP I think huge should be getting a second job or working more hours to try and pay this off. He should be selling everything he possibly can. He’s taking the piss and it doesn’t sound like he’s taking this seriously at all.

OP, is he paying off debt from before you met? In which case, he has less available funds than you even though you both get paid similar amounts. Putting aside the fact that he's used money from the joint account to pay for lunch, you both need to sit down together and write down all your outgoings, every last amount. If he pays half this amount, will he still have enough left to cover his debts? At the same time, does this mean you're able to save most of your left over money?
If so, then he may need to pay slightly less than you into the joint account. He needs to set up standing orders for his credit card debt, if it's just set up as a direct debit to cover minimum payment, it'll take him much longer to pay it off.
I would make the joint account into one where it needs both signatories for any transaction, so he won't be able to use that money.
Getting out of debt is incredibly hard, even more so if one person in the marriage has no debt and is constantly trying to control your spending. If you want this relationship to work, you'll have to help him out.

He is going to ruin you, op. Having children with him would be a disaster because you'll never be able to afford it. By only paying the minimum payments, that debt is going to become absolutely massive in just a few years time. It will bury you. I would be running for the hills if I were you, because if he hasn't grown up by now, he never will. He's just a useless cocklodger.

Chip how stupid are you. That's fine when ppl are sensible. This guy will eat her up. Seperate accounts and joint for household is fine but no od.
He needs to get the debt manageable, or you could extend mortgage but make sure your extra contribution is legally noted in case of split.
It doesn't look good op. Protect yourself. Read him the riot act and say it's the last time. Keep your cards with you, he may be a thief as well as a chancer. How long have you known him, has he done this before

He needs to get a second income, OP and you need to scrap the joint account entirely. Or rather, his access to it.

Help him out?! Help him out the door. He needs to face up. Get debt advice to reduce all these payments. I'm out

I really do feel like I haven't got an option but to do this this way.

I've been here @Lemonbubbles, & it doesn't end well.
He's hopeless with money, expects you to stump up when he can't borrow more, refuses to alter his lifestyle & feels entitled to blithely inform you that this is the way it is for the next 5 years - & any resistance from you is brushed off as "a nagging pain".

Can I take back what I wrote above about cancelling the overdraft?
Instead I strongly recommend that you cancel the joint account, & just get him to pay his agreed monthly amount into your personal account.
It is imperative that you separate your finances from his immediately.
If you do not, he will take you with him.
He will accrue debt wherever a loan source is available to him - as a small example, he's just done it to you over this lunch. He expects you to just keep sucking that up. For five fucking years.

This is so massively disrespectful, immature & selfish that I have to wonder what you are getting out of the relationship.
There IS an entirely valid alternative option.
You know what it is don't you ..?
But for fucksake, get your finances SEPARATE from his pronto.
You are not his banker, his parent ... please don't become his enabler.

My concern is that you will tolerate his financial fuckwittery for 5 years, hoping that "all will be different" once the debt is paid down.
Nothing will be different.
He'll be the same selfish prick who happily ran through his wife's money, & set back his wife's financial goals while money was diverted from savings, holidays, whatever - to pay off a debt larger than his current net annual income.

Conversely, OP - you could quit while you're ahead, & spend the next 5 years saving the cash you are currently using to shore up a damaged relationship, & come out with a lump sum to suit your own ambitions & life goals.

The fact that he already has you believing you are being "spiteful" for not wishing to subsidise his in-hock lifestyle tells me you are already being controlled. Ask yourself this - if you put your foot down, insisted on strictly 50% contribution, & refused to pay for him again - how would he react?

I think he's a user & a flake. You may disagree but please let me say one last time - get your finances legally separate from his, & do not allow him any access to your accounts, or the account used to pay bills.

How confident are you that he won't run up more debt if you stop bankrolling him?

Or that he isn't already running up more debts you don't know about?

And that he is actually paying this one down rather than just making minuscule minimum payments to keep debt collection at bay? And frittering away the rest of the money you're subsidising him by?

As it happens, I agree a marriage should be a partnership, which is why it is all the more appalling he is not acting like a partner.

You need to sit him down and say that he's being unfair to you.

He needs to sell the stuff he said he would asap and possibly find a part time second job for the short term to start seriously paying off his debt. Because his failure to do so means he is expecting you to foot his lifestyle now that his credit cards and lines of credit aren't doing it for him. He wants the lifestyle, but he doesn't want to fund it ... how he got into this level of debt in the first place.

And don't let him shift the conversation to you about 'nagging' or 'controlling' ... this is about him and his expectations that you cover him and his lifestyle while he does fuck all.

Don't have children with ...

Today he's transferred it out into his personal account, and just sent me a message saying he hopes that's ok.

Thin end of the wedge, OP.
Plus - he knows it ISN'T ok. The text is to make you shut up about it not being ok.
You know - on case you get accuesd of being a nagging pain, or selfish, or spiteful, or financially abusive ffs ...

He is setting you up.

Say it's not okay, as that money is for bills. Cancel his card to that account. If you say nothing he 'll end up spending the joint money and pushing you both further in debt.

Having read some of your updates, I would actually be resentful

By making minimum repayments, not trying to make any more money and not selling stuff like he promised, doesnt sound like he is taking the debt or the sacrifices you are making, very seriously

Would he be able to afford to live if he was single?

If you divorced though would you be liable for half his debt and would he manage to get half of assets even though hes not been paying the mortgage?

Is there any way you can make a one year plan, you know one of those pay off your mortgage in a year things with no extras like holidays, hobbies, meals out etc and just cut the debt down to a manageable size? I know it would be a shit year but I think it will be a different life without this hanging over you

We only have the joint account so that we could both transfer IN, and then bills automatically come out. The idea was to keep our personal accounts separate. Today he's transferred it out into his personal account, and just sent me a message saying he hopes that's ok.

No it's not really okay. That money was to pay our monthly bills - where do you expect the money to pay for that to come from now?

If he's only paying the minimum repayments it is going to be considerably more than 5 years. At one point I had £7k on a credit card and if I had paid the minimum it would have taken me 19 YEARS to pay it off.

I got an evening job in a pub 3 nights a week and my wages went direct to the card. Paid it off in 3 years in total, I also managed a 0% balance transfer after 18 months once my credit score had marginally improved.

Minimum payments is bullshit.

If his meeting his minimum payments each month his minimum payment should drop even by a couple of pound each month, so where is the extra few pounds each month going? Or is he topping up on the cards as soon as a spare £5 pops onto it?

Why on earth would he change? He knows you will enable his overspending by bankrolling him. He's a cocklodger and won't stop until he's brought you down. You've had some excellent advice so next move is yours.

Got to agree with HeyMonkey. Cut off his access to the joint account but he keeps paying a proportion of his money so that he contributes towards the bills. Leave him then to decide how he lives within his means.