Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

OP, you need to get his name removed from the joint account that the bills are paid from, so that he cannot touch that money. I think what he needs to do, is to pay you ALL of his money and you give him a certain amount to spend each week. If he is going to behave like a child then treat him like one! He should thank you for being prepared to help him sort it all out.

The cards should all be cut up if they haven't already. Also be prepared to find hidden cards etc, these people are very good at taking out credit and hiding it.

He does not need to be on an account to pay into it. and he clearly can't be trusted to not touch it. I

If he hasn't got any money, then he can't afford sport and lunch with his friends. It is clear to see how he got into debt if he is continuing to do things that he cannot afford! The sport, the lunches, all of it needs to stop if he has no money. It is the sheer sense of entitlement in certain people that causes them to get into debt in the first place.

He needs to contact a company like Stepchange, to see if he can do anything to reduce the debt and get the interest stopped or reduced.

If he has things to sell, then give him a deadline to do it, including some of his clothes if he has too many.

He needs to understand that we can't all have what we want in life if we can't afford it. and yes, whilst you are a team and a family etc etc, he needs to start pulling his weight and cutting out things that he can't afford. If he whines about not seeing his mates, you can invite them round for a beer at home.

I have lived with a man who couldn't control his spending and got into debt. I "controlled" the finances when we were together and he praised me for doing so and for helping him to get out of debt. After he left me he went back to his old ways and ended up going bankrupt for a second time.

This won't end well if you don't take control of the spending.

DH had a problem with money, I spoke to the bank they were very helpful; I suppose what you essentially need is to prevent any money either being transferred or withdrawn from your joint account unless it is to actually pay a bill from a proper company. It would prevent either of you being able to do this.

I would be very wary of transferring paying all bills to a sole account, because he might decide that he wasn't going to transfer money to you, and you would end up paying for them all anyway.

Please speak honestly to your bank.

Seriously I think I would end the marriage over this, he showing no signs of taking responsibility or changing.

Financially he is going to cripple you because he is not dealing with why he overspends/thinks he is entitled to not not be responsible etc.

I couldn't live with a man like that. I certainly wouldn't have a joint account with a man like that. My husband's ex wife ran £10k up on their joint credit card and left him to pay it all off when she left. Your husband is making no effort to repay or solve this problem. He's not selling things he could sell, he's dipping into your joint money to be able to live beyond his means - he's simply not bothered, is he?

Do you have children together? If not, I would end the marriage. You will spend your entire life funding this man and you will bear all the worry and hardship while he cocklodges in your house.

I would be very wary of transferring paying all bills to a sole account, because he might decide that he wasn't going to transfer money to you, and you would end up paying for them all anyway.

Whether DH is to pay into the existing account, or OP's sole account, makes zero difference to his decision to pay it.
If he decides he's not going to transfer, then OP has her answer - he's not married to her, he's married to her hard work & money.

So she would then presumably leave. But for crying our loud, whether it comes to that or not, she needs to ensure that he stops milking the account for playtime-money, & that he can't rack up an overdraft on it.

This person will never change. He feels entitled to 'large music and sports items' and expensive clothes and going out to spend money - lunches, cinema trips, holidays, etc.

I'd start by completely separating finances, no more joint account.

But tbh, I wouldn't have married a person who is this irresponsible with money and/or wouldn't stay with him because he will never change. It will bring you down because he truly believes he's entitled to a certain lifestyle.

Forget 'sitting him down' or 'working out budgets' because it sounds like you have already done this but, well, this type of thing doesn't apply to him because he is entitled to everything or you're a nag/pain/etc.

You dont have to live like that you know x

I did marry someone who had no interest in covering his own outgoings. Xh now of course, and paying no child maintenance.

Deeply disrespectful. It says all sorts of bad things about his character, so I'd get out now if I was you.

But for fucksake, get your finances SEPARATE from his pronto.

This. You need to not have a joint account with him. As I see it there are two options here:

1. You take control of all the money and dole him out a small allowance like a fucking child. Make sure he has been completely honest and train him to actually manage his money.

1. You let him go under.

Number 2 will hurt you because you live with him, but being financially linked by any accounts or mortgages will make it much worse.

I would do 1, or consider divorce. Letting this carry on in the hope he will grow up is a bad idea.

I couldn't live like this, if i were you, the joint account would be closed, he'd pay his share directly to me each month, and he'd not be coming to any meals, cinema trips, holidays etc, i'd go with friends or family members instead.
He needs to live the harsh reality of the situation he's created, no fun trips, no lunch with mates etc, let him see exactly how miserable his situation would be without you bailing him out and covering for him.

Either he would step up, find a second part time job, or look for a better paying full time one, sell some of his stuffetc, or i would honestly leave him.

Has he had any debt advice?

If not, I would insist that he gets it.

They will look at his options and can base things on just his income so if he got a debt management plan/Iva for example it would take into account that he needs to pay half the bills. They can sometimes freeze interest too.

Stepchange are good & also free.

m.stepchange.org

It’s worrying that he won’t be honest about the debt though. It makes it much more likely that he’ll rack more up (if he isn’t already behind your back) knowing you’re picking up the slack.

Do you know for sure that he’s actually paying the debts down? He doesn’t sound like an honest person so I’d insist on seeing proof.

Why would he stop paying into the account just because his name isn't on it? His name would still be on the bills and he would still be jointly liable for them. if he chose to stop paying anything, then the marriage would be over anyway wouldn't it?

OP, your priority has to be ensuring that mortgage/rent and all utility bills are paid, along with essential food and clothing. Anything he needs beyond that must be paid for from his weekly allowance, so he needs to budget carefully. Does he buy lunches/coffees? If so, then they need to stop.

Like a child, he needs to learn that he can only spend the money once in life. My 11yo is currently learning that. If she spends it on books, then she can't spend it again on sweets. Your DH needs to learn that lesson. He needs to decide what to spend his money on. If he wants to do sport, then save the money to do so. If he wants to have lunch, then save the money to do so.

I think you have three issues, one how your hubby accrued the debt and making sure he now has the skills to avoid getting into this situation again, two - trust issues around money as a couple and three - this bizarre thing you have that you are a married partnership but he can't take money from a joint account for lunch with a friend. I have not earned any money for 15 years I'd be totally screwed if my hubby thought the same way as you.

Just take the stuff that he wanted to sell and sell it yourself. Put half of the proceeds in an envelope and tell him that this is his spending money for lunch etc. Keep the other half. Cancel joint account. Take the bills and divide them up between the two of you and set up automatic withdrawals from your separate bank accounts. Make sure that his bills are in his name and yours in yours, because you do not want to f**k up your credit rating due to bills in arrears. You could take on some of the more volatile bills and he gets the predictable ones which will make planning easier for him and eliminate any excuses that he could not pay the bills because they were higher than expected.

Please do the work to look into Ebay his money situation is doing to your credit score too.

Grr autocorrect. What, not ebay!

I have not earned any money for 15 years I'd be totally screwed if my hubby thought the same way asyou

But did you build up a toxic amount of debt on luxuries? Are you not earning because you are raising children, or disabled, for example? Not really comparable.

Just take the stuff that he wanted to sell and sell it yourself. Put half of the proceeds in an envelope and tell him that this is his spending money for lunch etc. Keep the other half. Cancel joint account. Take the bills and divide them up between the two of you and set up automatic withdrawals from your separate bank accounts. Make sure that his bills are in his name and yours in yours, because you do not want to fk up your credit rating due to bills in arrears. You could take on some of the more volatile bills and he gets the predictable ones which will make planning easier for him and eliminate any excuses that he could not pay the bills because they were higher than expected.

Yes, you could do all this, or you could accept you don't want to live like that and leave him.

has he had any debt advice op?

if its going to take another 5 years it might be worth considering either a debt management plan or even an IVA.

with an IVA all interest is stopped on hte debt, and creditors agree to take back only a percentage of what is owed - however its a big step because he will be credit blacklisted for the duration of the IVA.
it is a step away from bankruptcy but can work for some people to get a final solution to the debt and get rid once and for all.

if you own a property then in the final year you are asked to try and remortgage to rid the debt but 100% of the time this is refused because he is credit black listed so you pay a further year of the IVA and then the debt is written off.
he needs some financial advice from a debt management company - many offer this free of charge if you have a google.

No joint account. Seperate finances NOW.

Just take the stuff that he wanted to sell and sell it yourself. Put half of the proceeds in an envelope and tell him that this is his spending money for lunch etc. Keep the other half. Cancel joint account. Take the bills and divide them up between the two of you and set up automatic withdrawals from your separate bank accounts. Make sure that his bills are in his name and yours in yours, because you do not want to fk up your credit rating due to bills in arrears. You could take on some of the more volatile bills and he gets the predictable ones which will make planning easier for him and eliminate any excuses that he could not pay the bills because they were higher than expected.

So basically, op can be his mummy. Cleaning up all his mess and bearing the burden of his immaturity and selfishness. FUCK THAT. Perhaps she should start wiping his arse for him as well.

I would be furious he took your money out of the joint account. Tell him no it is not ok. I could t be with someone like this tbh it is not attractive

You are the Mummy and he is the dependent teenage son.
He buys himself expensive trainers, because he knows Mummy will give him the lunch money.
She gets cross with him a little, and makes a few noises under her breath, but he knows she won't throw him out.
Because she doesn't want to make him cross in case he leaves or get angry with her.
At the moment he has no real need to repay his debts because you are covering everything for him. He is hugely in denial and you are assisting him in keeping the ugly truth away from him.

He wont change until you make life a lot less comfortable for him. DH has a lot of debt and that means that my lifestyle has taken a hit and I've had to pay for what should have been large joint items. I realised that I was actually minimising the situation, decreasing my own financial capability and not really giving DH an incentive to change. No more holidays or treats for him. I now subsidise nothing apart from the odd £10 for extra petrol. I also really cut down on our lifestyle at home so yes that affects me to but it hammers it home that I cant afford to keep both of us. Think making cheaper meals, cutting some of the treats he likes from the weekly shop, no alcohol etc. Also, start getting angry and stop worrying about nagging because I'm sure as fuck that he's never helped you out financially. I finally lost my shit when I was still bailing DH out whilst on mat leave and was the first of my nct group to return to work with no appreciation for the financial strain I was under.