Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

Reading with interest as DP has a lot of debt. We don’t live together yet, the thing that puts me off inviting him to live with me is his financial habits. He’s booked and paid for a 1.5k holiday with his daughter on another credit card so is about 7k in debt now. I paid for the holiday we went on together (DP and I) and a couple of weekends away because I didn’t want to go on my own. I also pay for cinema tickets and meals out. I was a bit shocked at the expensive holiday he has booked for himself and daughter, I understand that he wants to go on holiday with her but think he could have done something cheaper given his debt situation. He’s run out of money at the end of the month a couple of times, I’ve had to loan him the money for petrol etc.

There wouldn't be the concept of this being his debt, we would club together to pay it off

For me this would very much depend on how the debt accumulated.

If it was unfortunate circumstances e.g. large unexpected bills for a car, helping out his sick mother or whatever and/or inability to manage money properly as a young person but has now changed ways and taken responsibility then I'd undoubtedly help the person I loved.

Personal spending on luxuries/social life and no acknowledgement of responsibility and being a cheeky shite into the bargain - I'm afraid that's a no from me.

The mortgage and the joint account are two totally separate things, so he is the fuckwit. He can't spend money on the mortgage or change it without your approval! He is deliberately not understanding what you are saying, it is about stopping him spending, not getting rid of traces of him!!!

Talking of which, I would make sure that your mortgage bank have a note on file that you should be contacted if anyone tries to extend it or change it in any way, in case he forges your signature. (I have seen it happen).

DO NOT borrow against the house to clear the debt. He needs to learn how to control his spending or it will happen again and again.

I have told this tale many a time on here, but somebody I know, ran up £40K of debt. Family remortgaged their home to clear it, and the person did it AGAIN! They ran up another £40K and had to go bankrupt anyway, leaving family in the shit, as their loan had to be deemed written off in the bankruptcy! It took them 10 years to pay it off and sadly the bankrupt person died before that could happen and had no life insurance as it had to be cancelled after bankruptcy!

You have got a hard job in front of you if he won't accept responsibility for his own spending and if he is starting to call you names. I don't think he will be grateful for any help that you give to him.

Fuck that! It was bad enough before his latest responses, but wow.

I never leap to LTB etc, but in the particular case - divorce him. Quickly as possible. Save yourself because he's blatantly never going to get it.

His family and friends will already know he is bad with money. They might not know the extent of it but they will know.

We all know the people in our friends and family who you wouldn't lend a tenner too if you definitely needed it back. Also the ones who have lifestyles beyond what they can afford.

No one will be surprised if you leave him and cite that as the reason.

Thanks for all your advice.

I made it clear I wasn't going to pay off the debt with savings a long time ago, but he still keeps on bringing it up. That and reducing his payments by borrowing against the house.

He's really acting like it isn't affecting me and I should just be able to fix it for him. He really can't get past that I've got some money which can replace what he spent earlier, so what's the problem. And he thinks it dramatic that I'd mention separating over money.

He’s got his hand firmly in your pocket and kicks off of you object?

You have wildly different approach to finances and he needs to grow up and start being responsible.

Well, and I admit I don't know if it's on the thread and he lied about it, but I kind of wouldn't marry someone who had that baggage. I took on my partners warts and all. So even if it was from some drug addiction in their teens and twenties, it's likely that I know and have decided that it is still a viable person to have those sorts of shared responsibilities. I mean, I've decided that with my partner who I'm not officially married to because I want to merge our lives together in many ways. I see marriage as the ultimate way of saying "I'm happy to blend our lives completely".

Considering I'm "marriage-free", it always shocks me to hear when married people speak about "his debt" or "my debt".

Do you want to be tied to him? Definitely worth considering a fresh start.....

Wow that's some update OP.

Time for separate finances and for you to stop enabling his over spending. It's the only way your marriage can survive.

His attitude brings to mind men who have an affair then want their wife to “eat the shit sandwich. Doesn’t bode well.

Another issue is that his debts could affect your credit rating. Especially concerning if you do split and need a new mortgage.

How is he borrowing against the house without your permission?

Seriously this is financial abuse, he is forcing you to spend your money.

Get rid of the joint account and stop subsidising his lifestyle. He’s a cf.

This

And I'd transfer everything to your name and kick him out

He's a real tosser

You deserve much better

I'd be making plans to split. He honestly thinks he's entitled to spend what he likes. This will never change. Borrow against the house? FUCK that! Ditto using your savings to pay off his debt because all he will do is run it back up again.

I'd start by no more joint account. Then no more lunches out. Then I'd see a solicitor.

He will just bring you down.

People who are genuinely considerate and regret running up the debt would try to pay it back by taking on extra work or trying to make lifestyle changes that don't impact their partner. Your DH sounds very entitled and really doesn't seem to care about clearing his debt. Even if you pay off this debt, the fact that he doesn't want to take share the burden of being responsible with money doesn't bode very well. The fact that you don't know everything also suggests that he likes to keep things hidden.

You can't fix him or change him OP. I'm gobsmacked at his complete lack of accountability. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

How old are you, op? If you want any chance of having a happy family, you need to leave him. Now.

I have a different view on this. It a ridiculous situation. Somehow, between OP and her DH (and it seems driven by OP?) they have made an arrangement whereby every penny DH has is either paid into the joint account for basic bills, or paid to his creditors. That is ridiculous. How was he ever supposed to do anything?

It’s not a partnership is it? What did you think that you would go off on holiday and he’d Stay at home doing nothing?

He should be able to have the occasional ice cream on holiday, or lunch with friends.

He is paying out too much money. That’s either because he can no longer afford 50% of your joint lifestyle OR he’s paying back too much on the debt.

I know he’s not on this thread but he needs to contact his creditors and arrange a reasonable repayment plan with interest frozen. At a rate he can AFFORD which means he’s allowed the occasional meal out/ leisure activity.

OP it’s not a partnership at all, and if you want to end it I wouldn’t blame you. It means you could both start living the lives you can separately afford

He is not taking any responsibility for his debt and he doesn’t really seem to think it is a problem.
I am guessing he won’t see an advisor about the best way to deal with the debt.

I worked in debt advise for years. Unless he gets advise, and follows it then I think you should consider separating. It will only get worse.

Debts can be dealt with but lies cannot.

OP - I hate to unduly concern you however do you know the extent of his debts and the potential impact and liability on you and your credit rating? Is the debt solely in his name or is there any joint loans?

I'm afraid I would seriously consider walking away from this marriage unless your DH was willing to take the following steps:

1. Disclose all debts, so you can understand the total amount and the monthly interest rates.
2. Outlay his monthly incomings and outgoings, openly and honestly
3. Seek specialist debt and money guidance advice.

If he is unwilling to be transparent, then I'm afraid he is still in denial and unlikely to be dealing with the problem. I urge you to find out the true picture of his debts before he drags you under too.

Somehow, between OP and her DH (and it seems driven by OP?) they have made an arrangement whereby every penny DH has is either paid into the joint account for basic bills, or paid to his creditors. That is ridiculous. How was he ever supposed to do anything?

For fuck's sake. OF COURSE all of his money should be going to bills and HIS debt. He is the one responsible for it. As for doing things, he should have thought about that before he got himself into such huge debt like a total fucking idiot.

Well it’s a good thing you aren’t advising people in debt @Aquamarine1029 because within their budget they WILL be given money for basic entertainments etc. It’s not realistic for people to live long term without anything and all debt advice companies acknowledge that. Without it, you’re setting yourself up to fail getting out of debt.

If he has bills and debt then of course he doesn't have money for anything else and that is what he needs to realise! When I bought my first house and money was tight, I got a bar job so that I could still have a social life. Otherwise I would have sat in my house every night doing nothing as I had to money to go out.

People are so bloody entitled nowadays, expecting to have the best of everything and do everything they want without the means to afford it. Getting into debt buying music equipment and clothes is completely immature and why on earth should OP bail him out?

The price he has to pay for getting into debt is realising that he CANT afford a life now!

Entitled prick. He’s been making minimal payments, not selling his shit and not getting a second job because he’s still banking on you cleaning up his mess.

I really hope that you see him for what he is and that by paying his way you’ve enabled his entitlement.

This is who he was and still is, it’s up to you if you want to continue enabling him.