Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

OP although I’m aware there are always two sides, and she may have her reasons,
from what you’ve said this sounds very much like our situation. DP only has his two kids every other Sunday for the day. I’ve suggested numerous times he get legal advice on more contact but he hasn’t so far and that’s his choice. But his ex constantly ‘suggests’ what they should do on those days. Because she hates his family, and me. And can’t bear us spending time with the kids. It’s as simple as that. His daughter now realises this and just laughs after he picks them up and says that’s what Mum says. But we can do what we can can’t we Dad. Keep doing what is right for your family, if DSS is happy that’s all that matter

Have you considered he’s going home to his mum and complaining about how boring it is visiting his disabled nana and that he never gets to do anything fun? I certainly wouldn’t want to waste every Sunday doing that.

Have you considered he’s going home to his mum and complaining about how boring it is visiting his disabled nana and that he never gets to do anything fun? I certainly wouldn’t want to waste every Sunday doing that.

Oh FFS @niugboo
RTFT before you post.

@niugboo really? Sorry Disabled Nan, we cant come this Sunday as it’s boring and we don’t want to waste a Sunday sitting with you when we could be going far more exiting things. I despair of the human race sometimes

Apologies for typos, one should take deep breaths before posting sometimes. I mean DOING more EXCITING things.... not that Disabled Nan will care about the SPAG of the lame excuse for no more lovely Sunday’s together

I think every family has different traditions, and it’s nice that your dss is included in yours. It’s not up to his mum to “suggest” what you do on your days. (And I say that as a first wife.) Perhaps it would be a good idea for your DH to see a solicitor and get contact formalised. It doesn’t have to mean court, we just did a few solicitors letters back and forth, and ended up with a written agreement. (We do make exceptions on both sides for one off events such as weddings or birthday parties.)

All the people whinging about how the poor kid is bored and mum has the best intentions and gently suggesting and 1to1 time with his dad and other made up BS...

THE EX WANTS HER DAD TO TAKE DSS TO EVENTS IF OP'S HUSBAND WON'T!!!

How the hell does that resonate with that scenario?

@hettypop your OH needs to go to court and get it all written down. No ifs or buts, the time for mediations and reasonable discussion has passed. That way you all know where you stand.

It’s ten pages. No time for that.

The Sundays sound amazing. Honestly, you cannot put a price on the value this time with family and cousins will have on him.
It sounds like so much fun.

Some people don't appreciate the value of tradition, family time and just relaxing together. For some it is all about the big days out and the Instagram worthy moments.

His Mum sounds controlling. I would try and ignore this type of contact with her as much as possible.

I don't think every other weekend is a bad arrangement, it's only fair he gets that time with both parents. But in the weeks where you don't have weekend contact it would be good to have some midweek contact.

Good luck

@Gohardorgohome yes really. If the only quality time you spend with your child is dragging them off to see their disabled nan expect push back. There needs to be balance.

@niugboo Then perhaps don’t take the time to post ableist comments either?

@niugboo it's been established that on Saturday the child has a day out with his dad, and on Sunday they go to see Grandma and he has a wonderful time playing with his six cousins, who also, with his aunts and uncles, spend Sunday having a big roast dinner and family time together.
The kid loves it. He's not moaning about it, because he has a high old time with his cousins, and being spoiled by grandma.

@niugboo balance ...like spending one day doing fun stuff and activities and they have just been away for a bit and one day with extended family playing with cousins?

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer it’s not ableist. The original poster made the point that she was disabled. Not me. And it is relevant. Because for a 5 year old doing that every single weekend. No quality time with his dad alone. Sorry that’s sucks.

@saraclara original posts seem to suggest that the mother had reduced contact since she got a new boy friend.

@StockTakeFucks if that’s happening. Post suggested that contact had been reduced.

Yes to every other weekend, where the child gets Saturday and Sunday with his dad.

If you can't be arsed to RTFT at least read OP's replies(correctly and accurately). They're even highlighted in a different colour. MN are helpful like that.

@StockTakeFucks not on my mobile they aren’t.

@StockTakeFucks and to point out the obvious even if he is doing something on the Saturday that doesn’t mean he’s not complaining about the Sunday’s being boring.

Yes, because every 5 year old I've ever known would find running around playing with six of their cousins, being given treats by granny and having a lovely dinner with their family boring.

Some of the replies on this thread are baffling. I feel quite sad for some, if these are their genuine opinions.

I think it is ableist when it implies that time with a disabled grandparent is less fun than with an able bodied one. The relevance to the OP is (presumably) that since nan’s health has declined family time has become more precious. Also that nan may host as her home has any necessary adaptations.

OP; the Sundays at your nanna's sound amazing! My DD (second marriage) went off with late DH to visit family and getting together with her cousins/half siblings etc was the best fun and what she really treasures. Those saying that it must be dull have never had a family that let children just get together and run riot. It is a total joy! Contact time is such a wierd concept for children. The expectation that within those hours there is some kind of intense parenting and entertainment? Surely the relationship should be the same and the children be comfortable and just feel at home and do whay they want?

that doesn’t mean he’s not complaining about the Sunday’s being boring

How many times, @niugbu ! It's been said over and over again, that he loves his Sundays with his cousins and grandma. He has loads of fun.

I honestly don't know why people post on long threads they can't be bothered to read. There's no quicker way to look really foolish.

I’m a resident parent and don’t see any issue with the arrangements for how the OP and her dh spend their weekends. I agree the ex sounds controlling. I’ve been single 5 years and for 2 of them their spent their time with just their dad for his days but then his gf moved in and they had a baby so the last 3 years they’ve spent their time with him, his gf and their half sibling. Never 1:1 (well there’s 2’of them anyway so how would that work). Since the sibling arrived on the scene they spend it as their other family. Some weeks they go out and have fun and other weeks they potter round the house and visit his family (3 hours away) or her family (close by) and enjoy spending time with those other family members. Occasionally I tag him into events on FB advertised that I think they may enjoy but never expect him to take them to those. Sometimes he does and sometimes they have plans. That’s life. Some weeks they come home saying it’s been boring and some weeks has been full of activity. Same with me. I can’t physically take them out all of the time. We spend a lot of time at my mum’s. Often on the way back from places they ask to call in and see her. The most difficult thing has been extra curricular activities. I avoided weekend ones for a while as we used to do eow (and also every other week days the other week) and he didn’t like being tied down to activities. They do things now though as they kept asking.

I think the OP’s ex sounds selfish for reducing contact and using that time for them all to spend with her new partner. That’s just not on and I think the OP needs legal advice on the contact arrangements.