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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

244 replies

hettypop · 18/08/2019 11:45

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

OP posts:

Damsel · 20/08/2019 00:14

OP, I can see this situation is causing you some frustration but I am wondering what does your partner think. You say “we” don’t do any of the activities suggested by his ex. I’m not clear what he thinks.

I was also wondering, as others have asked, if your partner spends much one on one time with his child. Who organises what happens when the child visits?

(I’m sure your partner will be delighted to have the benefit of 10 pages of views from the MN community on how he should handle his ex.!)

JassyRadlett · 20/08/2019 07:06

not on my mobile they aren’t.

Very easy to set up. Perhaps look to your settings rather than expecting others to do your reading and comprehension for you.

stucknoue · 20/08/2019 07:37

Depends what it is, if it's a one off event that dss wants to go to then her alerting you is a good thing, perhaps he complains how boring it is at yours because all you do is see family and she's subtly trying to encourage different activities. Why not tell ex you need an extra day a month, use that to do fun things

Cloudly · 20/08/2019 07:42

You are doing the right thing teaching your step son spending family time together and he’s seeing his nana and the rest of his family. These times are precious and fun which you won’t get back. Many children don’t have grandparents or relatives to visit. He has Saturdays with his dad you to do whatever they want. You to have your own children and life you cannot cave into your husband’s ex every time.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/08/2019 08:35

It sounds like your DSS has lovely weekends with you.
Ignore here and get proper contact set up via court order.
She is a controlling bitch.
She seriously needs to wind her neck in.
It's entirely up to you how you spend your weekends with DSS.
Some of these responses are baffling.
People clearly aren't reading all of the OP's posts.

Yorkshiretolondon · 20/08/2019 08:41

Ok you are frustrated I completely get it.. it is a terribly hard position to be in for DH AND you. I have been in your situation...& worse.... I honestly believe my partners ex pulled out all the stops to break us up by trying to destroy the relationship between us and t he child- child now 19 and finally it has stopped! The ex is trying it - she wants to control you all still and it’s simply isn’t up to her what you all do when it is DH contact time! I think taking son to see DH family is lovely and very necessary! Contact time shouldn’t always be ‘doing’ something it should be as ordinary as you’d like- that’s life and I expect son doesn’t care what he does as long as he’s with dad- I’m sure he enjoys visiting family too! And it sounds like you do quite a lot so stop worrying about that - you are doing ok by son - even if ex doesn’t like it (that will NEVER change!) 😀
Ignore ex requests and if she persists write her a very polite email or letter explaining that it is not her decision what you do and that it’s important to see family- I would keep a list of all activities you do with son - but that’s just me I love a list 😂 - as for cutting down on DH contact time to ‘get to know’ new partner wtaf... is there a formal agreement in place? If not I would highly recommend sorting this now! It will only continue and prob get worse... I speak from experience! Stand firm with ex- the son is happy- you’re all doing ok and it’s the ex that has the issue. Sort out contact time legally now and keep records of everything including maintenance/ child support paid-the ‘list’ will be useful for this ‘battle’ good luck

Elle1234 · 20/08/2019 08:42

Is it possible DSS has complained to his mum that he doesn't like going to his nanas and shes trying to politely ask you to do other things with him?
Or can she not afford to take him so shes hoping you guys will foot the bill so he doesnt miss out?
I think a grown up conversation is needed between your DH and his ex, if there is an reason she is asking you to take him to these places then she needs to explain what that is, and DH needs to make it clear that his time is his time and not hers to dictate, if there is a genuine reason for the request then maybe a compromise can be found?

Adversecamber22 · 20/08/2019 08:56

I think the big family Sunday sounds lovely, spoilt by Nana and all those friends to play with.

There are many women on these boards who have been treated very badly and cannot see past their own pain because their ex partners are absolutely dire with contact and maintenance. So I think it’s an immediate assumption on many levels that your partner must be getting it wrong.

To the one to one time, I had my Mother to myself one day as a child as I was one of six so I’m a great supporter of one to one time but this Dad does have this with his little lad.

You are going to need to go down the formal route unfortunately. As for her introducing all those boyfriends in to her child’s life, very dangerous indeed and massively selfish of her if he gets attached.

Sunflowers211 · 20/08/2019 09:03

Perhaps DSC wanted to go but did not want to ask, my youngest sometimes does this when he is supposed to be with his dad, I have to politely ask if he would mind taking him because he really wants to go. The majority of the time my Ex takes him but sometimes if prior arrangements have been made then the answer is no.

Whatever happens you all have to do what's in the best interest of the Child.

Idontwanttotalk · 20/08/2019 09:44

I'm surprised at the responses on this thread. It suggests a heck of a lot of posters can't read.

Do some of you really think that EOW the DC should just spend the whole of it as one-to-one time with his dad?

If the OP's DH hadn't split with his ex then the child would probably still be spending EOW at his Nana's and enjoying the time spent with her, his cousins, aunts and uncles and parents. This is fabulous bonding time for the whole family. Much better than spending the whole day just with his dad. His dad is there too.

He spends every other Saturday either out doing fun stuff or on trips with either just his dad, sometimes stepmum and baby halfsibling accompany them or sometimes they stay in at home and chill. When they stay in he is still bonding with his dad.

As a PP said, posters would complain if he was a Disney dad. Sounds like a really good balance of stuff he does when at his dad's.

Perhaps OP should go back to court and try and get his time with his son extended so that he has his son Saturday a.m. to Friday night EOW. That way he gets him for 50% of the time and will be involved in the day to day routine of getting him to and from school etc. Just doing normal everyday things together is really important.

StockTakeFucks · 20/08/2019 09:58

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him.

For the ones that can't be arsed to read.

MangoMummy19 · 20/08/2019 18:04

It's down to your DH to sort it out. Not really your place OP. I suspect you are annoyed that she still feels like she has a say in your DH's life and unfortunately as long as her son is there, she does. Sending links might be ott if it's expected and not just a suggestion of a nice thing to do.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 20/08/2019 18:12

I started reading this yesterday so apologies if I get anything muddled!

It sounds like she is being controlling but I'm aware there are two sides to everything. I think an open conversation would help if that's doable, as we are just guessing at the thinking behind the event requests. Maybe she feels he's missing out on things he's like to do, without that being any slight on spending time with family. It does sound a bit FOMO.

It doesn't have to be a debate about the quality of the family day or doing anything else. Maybe she is imagining it's boring for him when it simply isn't.

My only personal thought (based on experience) is that doing something with such fixed regularity can sometime cause issues on the occasion you do want to do something else.

Also think that formalised arrangement would help, removing time is unfair.

Starlight456 · 20/08/2019 18:33

I am Lp with a very small family ( doesn’t see dad ) He would absolutely love the Sunday you talk about . Teaching family values is important .

Reading last post I think your dh needs to tell her it’s time to formalise contact . She can’t drop and increase contact on her whims . I don’t see her acting in the best interests of the child.

I do understand if she wanted one weekend with her Ds now at school . However her desire for Ds to go to car show, she isn’t bothered about taking him her dad is.

What other activities has she sent links for ? Is dss car mad ?

Cailleach1 · 20/08/2019 22:49

Maybe the fact it is a pleasant family get together at the Grandmother's house which is the problem. Could she possibly want to avoid DSS bonding with the other side of his family? I think it sounds very nurturing.

Your OH should send a list of activities she should bring her son along to when he is in her care.

JassyRadlett · 21/08/2019 05:19

I suspect you are annoyed that she still feels like she has a say in your DH's life and unfortunately as long as her son is there, she does.

Does OP’s husband also get a say in the ex-wife’s life and how she spends her time with her son?

RhiWrites · 21/08/2019 07:31

Lots of speculation on this thread. I suggest DH asks his ex wife why.
“Susan, you’ve been suggesting a lot of activities for my contact time. Is there a reason why?”

moreginrequired · 21/08/2019 11:27

@niugboo sign in to Mumsnet and this will highlight OPs posts to prevent you wasting your time ,and more importantly, ours

cardamoncoffee · 21/08/2019 11:45

We have other children to think about also

I assume your other children have daily contact with you and your partner? Your DH sees his soon EOW, I do think he should make an effort to do activities that are centred around him. Like another poster when I went to my dad's I just had to fit in with his family life. He would often be doing errands for my stepmum's family and it very much gave me the impression that the limited time i had with him wasn't very important to him.

The ex does sound controlling, it is up to your DH to sort that out.

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