Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

Carry on as you are. She can't decide for your DH what he should be doing with his son on his weekend.

Does the mum do these events Everytime the child is with her? It's really hard, my kids have missed out on so many things I would have loved to have taken the to but I would never have suggested to their to take them (even though I knew they don't do very much there) it's his time with his son she can't control it.

Suggested their dad to take them

Of course she's unreasonable. It's not her time so it's got fuck all to do with her.

Definitely go to court.

Email again to suggest mediation as he'd like to restore the original contact.

Don't get into arguments keep facts.

Then apply to court.

It's not on she cuts contact and then dictates what dh should be doing with his ds.

Nothing wrong with suggestions but the whole "my dad will take him then" shows she wants to control dh.

It's really sad to hear people say 'He'll be really bored at his Nanas, he's missing out having to go' Time with loving family members is hardly missing out.

Sounds like there’s a possibility he is telling his mum he’s not enjoying nanas as much as you don’t think that’s the case. If he’s kicking off at home maybe she’s trying for a solution so he comes home happier. Doesn’t really explain offering grandpa instead tho 🤔. I do think there’s a real possibility dss isn’t enjoying contact for some reason

Don’t go to court as a first option. Talk to your DSS first. It’s very possible the reduced contact is his idea his mum is trying to help. If it goes to court and DSS says he wants less time with his dad the court will listen. It’s very, very common for kids to be less forthcoming with the non-resident parent - your DH needs to spend 1-2-1 time with him and talk to him. Days out that include you / ‘family days out’ etc every contact weekend means the boy’s losing out on precious bonding time with his dad.

As for the ex reducing contact - did she really do this or did she ask for more weekends so she and her partner could do fun stuff with the boy too? If that’s the case your DH could ask for more ‘parenting’ time during mid-week!

Maybe she needs to be made aware that you are both on to her trying to control his time. How dare she gets angry, it's not her contact time! Maybe get something legal in place so she backs off.

It’s up to your husband to stand firm and negotiate with his ex.

Why did he agree to reduced contact time?

Actually the fact she isn’t telling him about the trip ideas would suggest to me that it may be coming from a place other than trying to cause trouble because otherwise surely she would be telling him about them?

I wonder if it’s a case of, as often happens, the child is giving different versions of feelings to both parents.

It's one thing to suggest that it would nice id DH took him to a or b. But to demand it with the alternative that he doesn't get time with his son is out of order.

If the ex thinks it would nice if he went to a or b, then she should arrange it in her time.

@Cannotresist - it's amazing how you know all this without ever clapping eyes on the boy. Incredible.

Do you have DSS every weekend? The mom cannot do any of these weekend events if she never has him at the weekends. As it is currently summer, perhaps you could swap some weekends for weekdays and she can do these events herself? x

@stormwhale

Wow unpleasant

I don’t know anything I’m giving a possible opinion from a career spent hearing 2 adamant sides to different stories.

it really sounds like your DSS is giving the impression to his mum that he doesn't enjoy the weekends. Sending lots of "take him to this" messages without involving the child doesn't sound like manipulation, it sounds like a slightly cack-handed way to help her son not be bored.

It may be that he claims it's dull because he doesn't want to hurt her feelig talking about how much fun he has the the 'other' side, it may be that he is actually a bit bored of visits. But it would definitely make me think he's said something to her to lead her to believe he's fed up.

I do this with my ExH because my DS always complain they do nothing. Seeing family is a load of rubbish, it's childcare for ExH because he can't be bothered to do something which entitles doing something which he doesn't want to do. I know yesterday I go a text from my DS stating everyone was at an event and he wasn't there because his dad couldn't be bothered to take him. I am picking up my DS in 10 minutes to take him to day 2 of the event because he wants to go. (We have DS 50/50 so maintenance is paid - so it isn't about the money)

I would question why the ex feels the need to do this... are they spending quality time together? Are they always doing something what the DD doesn't want to do? Clearly something has been said to the Ex to make her act this way.

How old is DSS?

Maybe he’s telling his mum ‘nothing’ when she asks what he did when he was at yours, or he’s saying ‘it’s boring’ kids often do that to ‘protect’ the parent from feeling upset that they enjoyed themselves at the other parents.or maybe it’s jut the ‘kid thing’ so they don’t have to give you lots of details.

Your DH needs to talk to her and see why she’s making all these suggestions/demands for when DSS is with you.

I think occasionally it’s fine if its an event you know your child’s would love and you’d take them if it was your day with them. We have a few events each year that we don’t miss and I wouldn’t want the kids to miss out on.

Until you absolutely know her motivation (you’re assuming it’s her trying to be controlling and it may well be, but there’s a chance it’s not) then you can’t really move forward.

But you can tell your DH to stop being a walk over re contact time. If HE wants DSS more he needs to tell her & if she won’t agree then he needs to take her back to court. DSS won’t be a small child forever, you can’t mess around not seeing them enough, hoping it’ll get better.

Could your DH have him one evening in the week? That way he could see DGM and then he could chose whether to go out, see family and friends or just hang out at yours at the weekend.

If she's just started this it is quite possible that she is reacting to complaints from her son. Have you tried asking her? It doesn't seem shit stirring on the face of it as she's not telling her son about the events in advance.

How much has contact reduced? Does your DH/DP do much with his son during the week?

All that said your DH can of course just stonewall and say nope, ask her to stop with the suggestions and crack on as you are. Might be good to find out if the boy is complaining however - not to necessarily change your approach but so you are aware if he is unhappy with things.

She's reduced contact so he can get to know her new partner??

Nah. He needs to haul her sorry arse back to court because I can see exactly how this is going. He can represent himself if he needs to. No judge in the land will think that's OK.

Certainly worth checking to be sure that this isn't a hint that dss wants to do other things with his dad or is unhappy about contact.

But this isn't refusing dss access to clubs/hobbies he wants to belong to that contact is getting in the way of, or refusing access to things like birthday parties and his usual social life because of contact which are things courts can be concerned with- although even then they tend to respect the other parent's right to contact and to decide for themselves what happens during that time. I'd think a court would be likely to say that ex cannot prescribe what happens during contact, and can't remove/reduce contact if those activities are not complied with.

Dh needs to speak up and tell ex she doesn't get to dictate what he does with his son. Yes it is nice to do something fun over the weekend but tbh we are a two parent family and do not spend every weekend out somewhere with the kids. Sometimes we just visit family or stay at home. If she wants her son to do more interesting activities then she should be arranging them on her time or getting her partner to take him so that they can 'bond' if that is such a concern. It sounds like dss just slots in to your family life at the weekend which surely as a separated parent is what you want? Some weeks no doubt you will do activities but other weekends will be more chilled out? I really don't understand people who need to timetable every day of the week for their children to do an activity? What is wrong with giving a kid some downtime?

I can appreciate it is annoying for you but this has to come from your dh.

I also think DS has told his mum he doesn’t enjoy the imposed family get together every Sunday. It’s hardly quality time with his dad.

The suggestions likely come from a good place as mum is trying to change things for her son.

At some point DSS will be able to choose to go to contact or not, his relationship with his dad will have a huge bearing on that.

How much quality time is your dss actually getting with his dad if he is playing with cousins and there is a houseful at his nanas.